Here’s To Someone

IG : amamiya_shion9

I thought of you again

I. I don’t know is not the same as Maybe. I know that you already know this. When you want collide them both just to see their differences, there will be an infinite of numbers — close to millions. But would you really waste your time in doing so? When you can’t even measure out our distance and cut them off just to let me caress your face?

II. I am lost, in which everyone seems to agree but no one dares to give me a map just to find myself, just to help me out of your forest. No one did but still, they search for me, yearn for me, and beg me to come out and save myself from you. Why? Tell me, do you breathe fire? Tell me, will you suffocate me with the words coming out of your mouth? Oh, but it seems to me that I am dizzied with them — every day you feed me with your words, right? You whisper them right through my ear, and sometimes just above my naked skin, you linger your breathing. But no, you do not breathe fire; you breathe dandelions and lilies, and tulips and roses. I am the one who breathes fire. Maybe that’s why you won’t let me get to you; you’re the only who touches me and you won’t let me do it to you. Maybe that’s the reason.

III. There are questions in my head, and they steal all the air in my lungs. Do they seek for answers? Do I seek for answers? Quite, but I yearn for them in you. They are heavy; they make me lifeless and if you weren't around to kiss me, giving me a little life, they’d kill me in a split second. Should I come to you to free them? Or should I just freeze myself, and lock myself away? Since I am scared, I am afraid, I am frightened… of what you’ll say, of what’ll happen because these questions, they might become bullets moving in a flash; they’ll pass through my head in a wink of an eye once you answer something I don’t want to hear.

IV. I am a child; you are my playmate. Picture this: we've been playing happily around for quite some time now, but in times that you leave… I am left behind, waiting for you to come back. Sometimes, you’ll be here after a day, an a hour, a month, a week, two days or five, three weeks, six hours… yes, you come back and you come back with a warm smile, then I welcome you just as equally, forgetting the times I was doubting you wouldn't.

V. It’s because I love you that I always wait for your return, even if sometimes keeping pace with time is tiring that I hope that I’ll stop looking out of my windows for you. And before I know it, my palms are cold and I’ll die of just sweating. Then I’ll remember you again, and I’ll hate you for a while. At some time later, I’ll be back to normal. Yes, I am crazy. I’m sorry. But what I really want to know is when I ask you “Will you ever come back and just stay with me for good?” I hope you won’t give me the words I don’t know or maybe. You should already know why I won’t swallow them. And if everything screws up and you’ll end up in my place, I really want to know… how long will you wait for me to come back? How long will you sing a thousand of melodies just to never bore yourself while you stitch in your crowded mind that you love me; because whenever I wait for you, that’s all I think about but sometimes, I really hope I don’t.

( ayen. & eusie. )

tell me if it doesn't suffocate you when you see his lips dance with someone else's

i’m telling you, i know the feeling (eusie.)

i think the reason why we we're still with each other is that we're afraid of being alone again. and we know that finding love again would take time

N.J.R.

please don't be another mistake. or another regret. or another memory i would want to erase.

(eusie.)

Do you think the universe fights for souls to be together? Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences.

Emery Allen

dear winter

dear winter,

just this time, will you please stop making snowflakes? i sneeze a little too often than before. do not attempt to dance outside my windows, i will never come out and watch you. please be gone as soon as possible, i can never get pass through your time.

just this time, i want you to not kill me again because every year when you are here, you kiss me with your snowflakes and i feel bliss even if i know you’re also kissing someone else. you whisper sweet nothings against my windows and every morning i wake up and see them as lyrics of a daylight lullaby; i smile even if i know in the evening, you’ll still give me nightmares. you control me and poison me to just give my every minute to you when you are here.

just this time, please stop… because just when everything comes to the most freezing moments of mine, you leave and i die; i don’t want that to happen again.

so please, just this time…

just this time… i want you to go away.

i am restraining myself on missing you as i run out of breathe each day. come back when i am when i want to feel frozen.

(eusie.)

The deafening silence of winter melodies

Sometimes, the smell of the morning just pushes me to wonder, like how I need to think about everything — all at once — in a moment, and sometimes, the afternoon symphonies tend to capture every little thing inside my head, and eat them all up, until the thoughts of how alone I am in my life are left inside. Then it just starts to get worse because they howl and cry like they’re lost, or like they want to get out, and that’s why I’m wide awake every night. It’s just... so deafening to listen to this silence; it’s so tiring and I can’t help but to silently scream at the top of my lungs — to scream silently inside my heart. I’m exhausted and maybe, I won’t survive this winter and its melody that kills me and haunts me to think of everything I ever loved:

Like how I used to love every detail of the night, how the pale glow of the moon and stars reflect in your eyes; how the wind slowly brush against my cheeks while we lie side by side on my bed; how we serenade by the sounds made by the crickets and other insects outside while we whisper I love you to each other. Like how I loved you, and how I can still remember the every detail of your face, how the mole in your left eyelid look when your eyes are closed in your sleep; how the fringes of your hair fall on your face after you slide your fingers through your head while thinking; how your nose turns to pink when you’re about to sneeze; how the corners of your lips move when you smile; how your breathe reach me every time you talk; and how your cheeks look like they’re burning after I kiss you.

Now, the only thing I love about the night is the darkness in it, and how stars to me, are just shattered promises. When they die they become black holes they consume everything within their reach and I seemed to have become consumed with one.

I can’t stop thinking if everything you said to me was just a lie and if the sparkle in your eyes every time I look at them is just an imagination of mine. I can’t stop thinking of what you really feel about me, of what do you think about when we were together, and of the possibility that when I was in your care, it killed you. I can’t stop thinking if my words ever reached you, and if our words wished upon a shooting star, one night, were just my own wishes.

My once filled dream of our future together had died along with that shooting star. They died right before my very eyes, and all I could do is watch. My forever turned into ashes of piled burnt promises, they stayed under my bed and sprawl into my feet at night; they haunt and broke me over and over. Our laughter and melodies had become a deafening silence that only I could hear. Words left unsaid and rotting inside my head, thoughts about our love lost had caused turmoil of dilemma in my head for those cold winter nights, and the last time that I have seen your face, was the time I know, I had lost you because you had chosen her instead of me. Betrayals and regrets are eating me alive—they cut through my skin and sting into my flesh. I need a way out, I need to escape and stop this excruciating pain.

So on the night of your wedding day, I went outside. On the cold icy night, I wandered and tried to lose you in my head once more. I went to the park, where we used to sit for hours every Friday afternoon. I brought out the blade that I had bought on the day you left without bidding a proper goodbye. I have been thinking about this since day one, and now I know, I have found my way out of this misery you have caused. The pale white snow, soon become stained with a red pigment coming from my wrist and then I knew, this will end soon.

( ayen. & eusie. )

Could it be / that besides the moon, / there’s one planet / who also fell for the sun? / Could it be / that she was broken, / and because she cannot bleed, / she cried until she died / while her tears scattered across the Milky Way / and they’re the stars / we see in the evening sky?

April 21, 2014 (eusie.)

Probably not a poem

Saying what I feel isn’t easy as breathing but every day, I would want to express it to you as I need to breathe. The first gasp of air I make every morning when I wake up is like a whisper of your name that reminds me that my heart is alive to love you again. Then, the whole day just smells like you, like your scent lingers on the walls of our house and everything that surrounds me wherever I go. This just makes me miss you. While a few minutes later, I'll miss you more than how I missed you moments ago until I just start to yearn for you… until I just yearn for your eyes to look into mine again; for your voice to show off its magic as all of me feels tingly; for your lips to say my name or to make me feel loved; for your hands to touch me and make me shiver… or for you to just hug me so I can feel your warmth that assures me that you won’t leave me. Please, please don’t leave me even if there’s a thousand reasons why you should. I know sometimes (or more often) my words are daggers — my actions too, or even just my silence — and that I probably make you bleed every day. I know that I can never be enough (and I’m sorry for this), and that I can never love you the way you love me (but please know that I love you very much). But keep on loving me because I would want to soak under the rain of your love forever. I love you. I love you so much that sometimes it hurts deep inside that my tears don’t come out of my eyes but they pop out of my blood veins and contaminate me like they’re toxic. But I’m okay, I can still breathe. And you probably feel the same way, hiding all pieces of you that I have shattered every now and then  — hiding them instead of throwing them at me to wound me. But you always say that you’re okay, that you can still breathe. Our love for each other (or our relationship) may not be perfect, maybe all just wounds that turned into scars, or maybe just all bruises that cannot disappear, but I hope… I really hope we can survive it like a ship that succeeded to pass through a lightning storm in the ocean. Let’s remind the world that people can live because of love. So let’s make it through everything with our hands entangled and our hearts connected to every heartstrings of the other. Let’s keep on loving each other... loving all the flaws and pieces of the other all the same.

(eusie.)