Counting Cars

POCKET DIARY 2012

An entry

It can only take a second      for lingering feelings      to slip into      your heart again

Just like how a flower      can bloom again      in a garden      you left to wither

— "14", y.g.

(eusie.)

Old ones

Four years, and (almost probably) four months           — later,          used to be clear, now just more than a blur;          twitching every time these eyes are caught,          too many stories etched, and not even told;          hushed pleas are not pleas at all, so why?;          loading bullets to a gun, waiting for the blow,          of a mention of a name, of anything at all…;

Muffled screams inside these (five) throats          — saying,          old ones sure are gold, but old ones rust;          bombs threatening to fall, each close distance,          when will they decide to bury these bones?;

But, so far (it’s alright), it’s alright

(eusie.)

a feeling: “nothing lost but something missing”

my throat tastes of rust and i'm drunk on my tears

my cries dance on the rooftop and i'm a high tide on this silent night

there is a rustling inside of me that doesn't stop

and sometimes it ends up as an aching a yearning for an unknown

this skin keeps on burning and i’m still hurting

but i don’t why

(eusie.)

A poem written by Beau Taplin entitled, “Vacation”

a.k.a. That’s literally the title, and the poem is in italic by the way

I need to move around a bit. To shuffle my surroundings.

The day it all sank in, I didn’t find myself on the kitchen floor. But I sat on a chair, crying my heart out to the extent that I wanted it to disappear; I didn’t want a broken heart. The sobs that came from my sour lips bounced to the walls and then to oblivion, as if they knew that they were useless anyway.

To wake up in cities I don’t know my way around and have conversations in languages I cannot entirely comprehend.

I didn’t know what to read from these unknown yearnings at around two in the morning, of sad movies or sad songs, or probably just sad love. Or at mid-afternoon, when I wake up wanting something I don’t even know. Or when it rains, trying to reach out my hands and feel the drops and feel, just feel.

There is always this tremendous longing in my heart to be lost,

But after then, I know. I want to be lost in a place unknown, but then find myself in the same location where I think I forgot my soul. I want to wake up and walk to a balcony to see a different set of lights and colors waving at me from the day before. I want my heart to ache with the sight of people falling in love and knowing that I wouldn’t encounter the same love story the next city I’m in. I want to feel the lack of a familiar emotion when I come home, but know someday, I’ll be able to really forget the emptiness in my chest and really come home.

to be someplace else, to be far far away from this.

But I know that with these obligations wrapping me on my neck and disabling me to breathe properly, I have no choice of running away to find out the bliss of going to different places and being held captive by their beauty. I know that being lost in a place where no one knows my name and how my heartstrings tangle each other up to form my lonely soul is better than being found in a place where everyone drags me around and force me to suppress my dreams to want myself and feel myself and love myself after I lose myself.

(eusie.)

Hello, it isn’t me.

I don’t know when I started to feel the coldness of my bed. But these sheets beat me when it comes to the realization of the absence of your warmth. It took me days to understand that you won’t march back in with all the stars in your eyes. I never tried to open the lights after the day you stormed out, for I don’t know if I can stand to not see your shadows moving in to hug me from behind. Or to sneak downstairs at dawn just to let me wake up to the smell of pancakes or macaroons. I left the kitchen sink on, just so I’m not the only one who continuously fill one’s self with wasted tears. The house is a mess just as I am. Everything is flooded with our memories, and I feel like I was blinded by the smell of your breath every time you mention my name.

I guess, I just really miss you. But I won’t admit it yet.

(eusie.)

Chasing Stars

Synopsis

I learned that sometimes, when soulmates meet, they’re just destined that way.

He said he’d always choose you. That he had always chose you. In every lifetime. And that you always chose him too. But this time... this time... you think you won’t because you want to fall in love with someone else.

Look and you'll see

a.k.a. I’ll try to write about you one more time ft. Love is…

Your eyes speak of daydreams turned into wishful thoughts that keep me awake at night; like perfectly made snowflakes that’ll tickle my nose as they fall, only they slip away from my skin. The way you breathe is like a memory I cannot remember to forget. And sometimes, I can’t believe myself, that I feel every move of the air surrounding you like how I feel your every existence — your presence within my radius. But know this: I’ll never get to see if your heart rages out of your ribcage as our eyes meet, or get to know if you deny the urge to create chaos inside your lungs once you realize I’m standing near you. Because I don’t know if I’m the only one who doesn’t try to ignore the cry of our souls, or maybe it’s really just me who feels like crying. You look like a falling star, only I’m the one who’s falling and I’m full of wishes about you. And know this: sometimes love is never having what you want like how I can’t have you. In the end, time is the only one I trust to blow me away from the havoc inside my head created by you.

(eusie.)

Midnight thoughts sometimes are murderous

Then suddenly, you find comfort from the aching inside your heart,

and that’s when you start questioning yourself.

You realize You’re —

Like a ghost, lost in transition, dizzy from all the city lights, and hurting because soulless;

who are you really?

What do you want to happen?

What do you want to do?

Electric, and pounding like a patriot’s howl against the moonlight, then you lose yourself again.

(eusie.)

I don’t know what to do anymore

1. It's 3:29 AM; please let me sleep. My eyes are your prisoners, even my mind is still hanging at the tip of your tongue. I am out of tears, and my throat is dry that I stopped calling your name since midnight, because I know you wouldn't hear me. You painted me transparent. Please, I want to stay alive. Can you share with me the air you have in your lungs once again? Please take back what you said on leaving me. Look at me again. Look back. Undo everything.

2. Why did you give me up?

3. The phone rang a few times this morning. But I couldn't have the courage to pick it up, because I'm afraid that when I find out it's not you who's calling, I might collapse. I'm afraid that when it's someone we know who goes asking about what happened, I will be speechless. I'm afraid that when they ask about you, when they mention your name, I could yell at them. How can they say your name so easily? Because when it comes to me, I cry at once at the sound of the first letter.

4. I tried to kill myself last night. But when I got hold of the gun, I started crying for hours.

5. People kept telling that I shouldn't be like this. They say they understand me. But I know they don't. They wouldn't even try to, because they don't know how it felt to be thrown away.

6. I miss you. I miss you to the point that I hear your voice coming out of my mouth whenever I speak like it's my own. Sometimes I sing to myself with my hands clinging to the air because I imagine you dancing with me. But that makes me yearn more of you. I want you here now beside me. I want you to be here staring into my eyes while I stare at yours. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

7. Mom said she threw your favorite book. She didn't know later when evening came, even when it was raining, I swam across our garden and crawled all the way to where we keep the garbage. I tried to find it hoping that when I do, in the morning, you'll find me. I failed.

8. I remember when my friends said to me, "What's the worst thing that could happen?" And that time, I wanted to believe that there will be none. But now, a few days later, I realized, the answer to it was me.

9. A friend asked about you. I answered that you were dead. Maybe because I thought it would hurt less but instead, it hurt more. Maybe because you weren’t, you’re still alive but you’re gone and out of my life. And I’m the one who’s dying. I’m the one who’s dead. I’m a living corpse.

10. Where are you? I want to come to you.

11. The radio is playing ‘Chasing Cars’ again. Every now and then it makes me think of you. After each song, I cry until the night dies. You’re stuck inside my head again. It’s painful thinking that my thoughts are full of you and yours aren’t full of me. Do you know that the part where it says, ‘Those three words are sad too much. They’re not enough,’ is the one that affects me the most? Not because it’s exactly what you said to me but because I realized it was true. And I realized that ‘I love you’ doesn’t always mean ‘I’ll love you forever.’ You’re the one who taught me that. But I keep on asking myself, why did I do to make you stop on loving me?

12. I am corrupted by you.

13. Every day of my whole life since you were gone has been dark. Every day seemed to be always night. Perhaps because of the black hole inside my chest that you left.

14. I saw the letters that you’ve written months ago. I tried to kiss them one by one but they all turned to ashes. And they got inside my eyes. I cried again.

15. I am scared to look at the mirror. I am frightened to look at myself, and get a sight of myself but see a whole lot of you. I am terrified to see the remains of you that you left in me because it only means you’re totally gone and you took my soul with you. I fear that I’ll finally admit to myself that when I lost you, I also lost myself.

(eusie.)

i'm scared to be scarred again. give me a little bit more time