Ok So Now That I Have Had Time To Process The Insane Episode Which Was 52, I Have Some More Thoughts

Adding something that bothers me:

IT'S NOT "COULD OF", IT'S "COULD'VE", A CONTRACTION OF "COULD HAVE". "COULD OF" DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. SAME GOES FOR "WOULD OF"

IT’S NOT ‘PEEKED’ MY INTEREST

OR ‘PEAKED’

BUT PIQUED

‘PIQUED MY INTEREST’

THIS HAS BEEN A CAPSLOCK PSA

You should sleep

TW! self-hatred, grief, apathy, dehumanization, more tw's to be added

Note: this is a diary page written about my own emotions/struggles/views. it's written in second POV

Date: 8/24/24 -- 2:45AM

            You should really be sleeping now, not reading. Or writing, in this case, but it’s hard to sleep when you feel like you’re wasting your life! The voices of your loved ones ring in your head. ‘’you should make the most of it now’’ or ‘’you should go out more’’.

             You know that already, but you have no desire to see the sun or touch the grass—not when that specific presence isn’t with you. Something inside you has died, and all the joy has simply faded away. It’s hard. It’s hard to enjoy, to laugh, to feel. The emptiness within you is the worst thing in the world. You wish you could fill it, but nothing is ever enough for you.

Nothing satisfies the hunger of the monster you’ve become. Yes, you call yourself a monster. Because it’s true—you are a monster. You don’t heal, you don’t grow, you don’t change, you don’t believe or live; you only deceive. It’s a trait you inherited (you won’t say from whom), and it’s a burden. The destruction you bring is absurd. How can one person bring so much destruction? Why are you like this? You’ve destroyed so many things in your life. It’s depressing—so, so depressing.

            Sometimes I wish I could restart or pause, take a breath of fresh air, or have someone hold my hand and say, "Okay, slow down, breathe. Now, tell me." I’ve said those words to others many times, but why don’t I deserve to hear them? Why am I so different? Not in a cheesy way. Hell, I’m not even going to try to explain what I mean. If someone reads this someday, they’ll either understand or say I’m dramatic and stupid.

And to those who understand—I’m sorry.

I know how much you want to be held but can’t stand being touched. I know how you long for someone to pet you on the head, but you hiss and growl like a wild animal. I know how you yearn for warmth, yet still prefer the cold. I know how you read just to escape into those stories, to live vicariously through those characters, to imagine that your life could be like theirs, with those specific experiences. I know how much you want to live, to feel, how you start to absorb the emotions from the stories you read, just to feel something. But it’s not yours. That story isn’t yours, that emotion isn’t yours, that life isn’t yours—and it never will be. You’ll rot forever, alone, because nothing is good enough, and if it is, you can’t trust it, so you destroy it.

            That’s how you monsters operate. You seek comfort, you seek emotion, you seek getleness and when it’s given, you refuse it, you damage it, you destroy it. I’ll give you my gentle hands, and you’ll return them scratched and calloused. It’s your nature—to manipulate, deceive, destroy—over and over. No one knows what it’s like to be destructive, how dehumanizing it is. No one can come close because they’ll break or rather—you’ll break them . They’ll lose a piece of themselves, leaving empty and incomplete, because you just take and take and never give; you take away from others to fill your own void in your chest, to fit in whatever you can because it hurts. You once believed you had a heart, that you were good, but there’s no good, and there’s no heart and it is your own fault. You are what you hate the most. That’s a bit pathetic, isn’t it?

            You should really stop, but all these emotions and thoughts that aren’t even yours are swirling in your head. You wish so much to be loved like the characters in the books. You wish you could be in their shoes, even with all their suffering, just to finally feel something other than the ache of the void in your chest. You swear, no one knows emptiness and loneliness like you do. You know you’re isolating yourself, but you don’t know why (maybe to protect those around you, maybe because deep down you care, but then you remember that there’s no deep down and that you are what you do). Your chest burns unpleasantly when people talk to you, and it feels gross, it feels wrong, foreign, unnatural. Sometimes you don’t even feel human, you feel like you lack the humanity necessarry to call yourself that. You’re confused, scared and uneasy, you aren’t sure what you are anymore. Are these your thoughts? Are these your feelings? Did you become someone else again?

You should really sleep

I'm like if omota uramichi were unemployed and insane and a failure woman and not a gymnast

Just watched Mononoke the Movie: Phantom in the Rain

*Crawls in your bed*

*Creeps up behind you*

*Whispers in your ear*

The Magnus Archives is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

Me when Kusuriuri:

Just watched Mononoke the Movie: Phantom in the Rain

🧐

Murder for Dummies

So me being a Luke Booys enthusiast, decided to look for his works besides The Magnus Archives and found out he's part of the Casual Violence team. He's in a lot of their videos but recently they did this show on YouTube where he plays a character and it was great so I thought I'd share it here. Also just a general recommendation <3

YouTube

Murder for Dummies

A six episode horror-comedy whodunnit, made entirely independently by Casual Violence. Who killed the world's best loved ventriloquist?

So.

It seems to be a rite of passage for all tma enjoyers to obnoxiously assign entities to every piece of media they consume, which is why I present to you another exhibit of this totally normal behaviour, this time for The Spiral.

I am rewatching this little kdrama called 'Bad and Crazy' and for the first half, it doesn't seem like much, although the themes surrounding mental disorder are very much present. The second half however, has a huge focus on subjects like gaslighting, loss of memory, therapeutic malpractice and doors. Lots of doors. I'm not doing it justice, I know, but it has the perfect culmination of doors and mental health issues. You've seen the Distortion make doors appear out of nowhere and you've seen them lie and manipulate and whatnot but have you seen doors INSIDE someone's head? You'll find them here!

It's starting to sound like I'm selling this drama but like, if you love the Spiral, you NEED to watch it. Also it's hilarious and has probably the best characters in kdrama that I have seen. Even if you don't watch kdramas, you'll like this one, it's built different.

Watch it.

You want to.

These have no business being this accurate