«I Am Alone, In The Cold And Aseptic Rooms Of Heaven And All My Thoughts Are Far From Holiness... Was

«I am alone, in the cold and aseptic rooms of Heaven and all my thoughts are far from holiness... was it the ultimate temptation? Or will it be the cause of my fall? Because, oh Lord, I shouldn’t… but I can't help but remember. I can’t stop myself from putting my hand to my lips to relive the memory.

Will you notice my thoughts, God, and make me fall? I think I would be strong enough to bear it. Long ago I feared that I had become a demon for defying Your will. But now I know. I’ve seen so much and I’ve understood it can be goodness and kindness in demons as well as wickedness in angels. I might challenge Your judgment now, for something I feel right.

But him? Would he still want me if I wasn’t the way I am? He calls me “Angel”... but what if I wasn’t? Would he love my demonic features like I love his yellow eyes? Would he keep coming back for me? I think I could bear everyone's judgement, including Yours, but if he looked at me differently... this would be too much and then, only then, I would really fall.»

- from A.Z. Fell’s journal in Heaven.

(A gift for @prettyineffable who asked me to write something like this)