I Hate How The Antisocial Dial Being Cranked Up To Full Volume Makes Me Have The Urge To Claw My Way

no matter what I'm doing it's wrong

no matter what I'm saying it's wrong

like what the fuck I just wanna die

Purple: Rambling #2

16th April 2022, 23:42

Well, I suppose I should start with one of my bad thoughts. There is this girl in my class who is the embodiment of a queen bee. I absolutely loathe her. Not only is she self-centred, she is patronising and slanderous. I am sick and tired of being slandered. I know I think of bad things, but I never enact them. She is a vile human being. Her personality makes me want to shoot staples through my eyeballs. Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. She is so unbelievably narcissistic. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly narcissistic myself, but I deserve to be. The way I see things is that because I have had so much wrongdoing to me, I am allowed to be egotistical. I tried to be a good person, I tried to be nice, and what did I get in return? I got kicked to the dirt. I am not dirt. I am better than every other human being. I will do anything to achieve my full potential even if it is to the detriment of others. This girl, however, is nothing but bacteria. In fact, that’s offensive to bacteria. This girl is a waste of space and that’s saying something because the universe is humongous. This girl wastes human resources. She wastes food, she wastes energy, she wastes water, she wastes the air that we breathe. There is nothing magnificent about her. She would be doing the world a favour if she died. I hope she does. I would love to watch it myself. I would love to wrap both my hands around her neck and watch the flame slowly burn out behind her eyes. I want to see the fear in those eyes with my reflection prominent across. I want her to gag, to choke, for her tears to congeal with the snot from her nose. I would sit on top of her and use the sole of my boots to keep her wrists pinned down. I would strangle her until her face turned purple. God, isn’t purple such a lovely colour? She should have known better than to mess with me. Too many people have messed with me. There is only so much more I can handle before I finally snap. It would be so wonderful to watch her die, to watch her feel the pain that she inflicted onto me. How dare she pain me? The audacity she has to even look in my direction! I am above her. She is nothing but a worm. Karma is coming.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Daddy Issues: Rambling #10

18th April 2022, 00:46

Rambling 10. How coincidental that I write about my father on the same number that is my birthday. Anyway, I have a problem that is very taboo. It concerns incest. I believe my father may have molested me as a child, but I cannot remember. My father did a lot of sketchy, sexual things when I was younger, but I can never remember them directly. My sister believes the same. It can’t just be my imagination. He did something, I just wish I could uncover what. I know it is my brain protecting me, but I just crave to know. I hate being none the wiser to things. I digress, that’s not the fucked up part. The fucked up part is now, whenever I’m masturbating, I picture my father raping me when I’m a child of maybe 6 or 7 years old. I like to pretend he’s touching me and comforting me that it’s “okay” and that “what I’m feeling is normal”. I pretend that he gets hard at the thought of me. I know what his penis looks like, I remember it hanging out his boxers when he was sleeping. I also remember momentarily touching myself to the sight of it, but stopping from the taboo. I don’t know what it is about my father that turns me on. I know it’s definitely a stockholm type of symptom, a consequence of sexual abuse, but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’m not attracted to my father. He’s fat and ugly. Nothing, not a single thing, about him is attractive to me. Still, I can’t stop thinking about him overpowering me, or putting his penis in me while I’m sleeping. Whenever I have these thoughts, and especially if I cum to them, I have to wash myself afterwards. Sometimes I wash myself so many times that my skin turns red and blotchy. I feel disgusting. I feel like he has taken my virginity and yet, to my knowledge, I’m a virgin. Why is my mind corrupted by him like this? I haven’t seen him in years. The power he has over me is astounding. I wish he would just die both physically and inside my head. Leave me alone. Leave my body alone. I was just a child. I didn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve this.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

I don’t know if this is relatable or not, but do you ever watch a tv show or read a book or engage with some type of media, then have a very very difficult time determining what is from the media and what is actually real. I’ll think I’m a character from the media, that my loved ones are characters from the media, that I’m in the place where the media takes place. I’ll have a difficult time telling if my dog just died or if that happened in the media, if I just won a competition or if that was the media. Anyone else? Just me?

It shouldn't be humanly possible to feel this low and alone.

"be like a star,

distant and dying"

Roleplay: Rambling #20

21st April 2022, 21:46

I think I know why I like roleplaying so much. It’s like I can escape into a different reality and become somebody entirely else. I can make friends and lovers. I can be in a fantasy world with powers and dragons. I can be the centre of attention. When I roleplay, I can switch of this prison of a world and forget all the horrible things that are happening to me. When I roleplay, I don’t feel so alone. I love the people I roleplay with, the ones that are genuinely good at writing, because they create these wonderful worlds and situations for me to be in. They give me an escape, and I’m forever grateful. I have roleplayed for many years and it has never gotten boring to me. I enjoy being loved. I enjoy being beautiful. I simply enjoy being.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Margaret Atwood, from “Europe on $5 a Day”, The Door

god complex? what's so complex about it. i'm a god, simple.

Snatch: Rambling #19

21st of April 2022, 21:41

I had a strange experience last night. I was at my friend’s flat. There was the four of us. I had my friend’s phone and he said that I could go on it. I asked if I could look through his notes. He said no and that there was something he didn’t like in there. He told me it was about another friend of ours (who wasn’t in the apartment) that he was talking cruelly about as the other friend had been immature and recalcitrant. I have OCD, so if I find out about something, I need to know what it is. It will continue to annoy me for the rest of my life. I could be on my death bed, ninety years of age, and still wonder what the secret was. I tried to convince him to show me, but he found this annoying and snatched the phone away from me. It was a rough snatch. I immediately shut up. I feel like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Tears pricked my eyes. I was annoying. This was proof that I was annoying. And the way he had snatched the phone, it reminded me of my father and older sister’s abuse towards me. I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to be sick. I was quiet for the rest of the night. They played a film and it was really dark. I had tears streaming down my face and I refused to sit with them. Nobody cared. Nobody truly tried to make sure I was okay. During that moment, I messaged the girl I loved. I said a tonne of stupid things, things that will inevitably push her away. She probably thinks I am so pathetic and annoying. God, I hate expressing weakness. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I should just not care about things. Curiosity killed the Bakeneko, after all. It is so frustrating. I seem to ruin all my relationships and I push people away with my awful idiosyncrasies. Why do I do this? Why can I not just have stable relationships? The worst part, though, was when the lights turned back on and I had to pretend I was okay. I am never okay. I feel like my head is being held underwater, or like there is a boulder resting on my chest. I am stuck in this eternal purgatory of making relationships and ruining relationships. I am so weak. Weaker than I want to be. I wish I didn’t feel anything at all. I wish I was cold.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)