Daddy Issues: Rambling #10
Daddy Issues: Rambling #10
18th April 2022, 00:46
Rambling 10. How coincidental that I write about my father on the same number that is my birthday. Anyway, I have a problem that is very taboo. It concerns incest. I believe my father may have molested me as a child, but I cannot remember. My father did a lot of sketchy, sexual things when I was younger, but I can never remember them directly. My sister believes the same. It can’t just be my imagination. He did something, I just wish I could uncover what. I know it is my brain protecting me, but I just crave to know. I hate being none the wiser to things. I digress, that’s not the fucked up part. The fucked up part is now, whenever I’m masturbating, I picture my father raping me when I’m a child of maybe 6 or 7 years old. I like to pretend he’s touching me and comforting me that it’s “okay” and that “what I’m feeling is normal”. I pretend that he gets hard at the thought of me. I know what his penis looks like, I remember it hanging out his boxers when he was sleeping. I also remember momentarily touching myself to the sight of it, but stopping from the taboo. I don’t know what it is about my father that turns me on. I know it’s definitely a stockholm type of symptom, a consequence of sexual abuse, but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’m not attracted to my father. He’s fat and ugly. Nothing, not a single thing, about him is attractive to me. Still, I can’t stop thinking about him overpowering me, or putting his penis in me while I’m sleeping. Whenever I have these thoughts, and especially if I cum to them, I have to wash myself afterwards. Sometimes I wash myself so many times that my skin turns red and blotchy. I feel disgusting. I feel like he has taken my virginity and yet, to my knowledge, I’m a virgin. Why is my mind corrupted by him like this? I haven’t seen him in years. The power he has over me is astounding. I wish he would just die both physically and inside my head. Leave me alone. Leave my body alone. I was just a child. I didn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve this.
~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)
More Posts from Tokidokioki and Others
Depersonalisation: Rambling #18
21st April 2022, 21:29
I woke up this morning feeling incredibly weird. When I climbed out of bed, my feet were not my own. They seemed so far away from me. When I looked at my hands, they looked like hands I had never seen before. I tried to use the bathroom, but I felt like I was driving a car. I was inside my skull and watching the world around me on a movie screen. Everything was out of place and foreign. I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing. Strangely, I felt like I was floating. People call this depersonalisation. I guess that is what I was feeling, but it’s the strongest I’ve ever felt it. I truly didn’t feel like I was attached to my body. I felt robotic, like a sim being controlled in-game. It was nauseating. My problem is, though, is why does this happen? It has to happen for a reason. Am I having a moment of clarity? A blip in the system? Am I experiencing who I truly am? Was this body ever really mine? Or was this body given to me? I don’t remember becoming who I am today. I just arrived. Who am I?
~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)
I already said too much. I already shared too much, and I want all my secrets back. I hate getting close to people these days. I always regret sharing too much, caring too much, doing too much, feeling too much.
RP FINDER
Would anybody fancy doing a mxm Genshin apocalypse AU? The ships I enjoy are pinned on my page (but you’re welcome to propose ships as well). I’d really like to get into the nitty gritty parts of an apocalypse, like hurt/comfort, near death experiences, trying to be silent during NSFW, huddling for warmth, fighting other survivors, rainstorms, getting sick, etc. I’d like this plot to contain gore, so please be comfortable with that! And, I would also like both characters to be versatile/switches as I find this adds more depth to the plot. Let’s make headcanons, send fanart, become friends OOC, and geek out over our boys together. Please be 18+, and I only RP on Discord. Like this post or send me a message!
History Essay: Rambling #8
18th April 2022, 00:21
I’m proud of myself for once. I’ve written 1,000 words of my essay and I still have a week before it needs to be submitted. I’m never like this. I usually take two extensions on my essays so that I get two extra weeks to write (and then leave it until the day before it’s due still). My psychologist says it is ADHD. I think it’s just laziness, no motivation, and exhaustion. I don’t find things fun anymore. I have such a short attention span. I can’t even watch a 10 minute YouTube video without growing bored. It’s like growing up has sucked the colour from my life. Everything is grey. Food tastes like cardboard. The sun never shines. It is a permanent winter. I know the only reason I am doing my essay early is because I have so many other assignments I have to submit, but I am still proud of myself for actually doing it. The essay is about hierarchy and stratification in pre-modern Korea. It’s actually quite interesting. I’ve learned about the kolp’um system (bone ranks) and the yangban system (basically scholars). It was an amalgamation of aristocracy and bureaucracy. The funny thing is, I love to learn. I’m an intelligent person and doing nothing all day is boring and draining for me. Yet, I can never find the energy to actually study. Once again, I am a walking contradiction, and I just want to smash my head through a glass window.
~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)
my healing cuts are so fucking itchy AAAAAAAAA
god complex? what's so complex about it. i'm a god, simple.
you are not a bad person because of your memory loss. you are not less intelligent because of your memory loss. you are not less caring because of your memory loss.
memory loss isn’t your fault and you don’t deserve to feel ashamed.
