I Already Said Too Much. I Already Shared Too Much, And I Want All My Secrets Back. I Hate Getting Close

on art and suffering

Edvard Munch, Jen Mazza, Yun Hyong-keun, Richard Siken, Anaïs Nin, Lisa Wright, Vincent van Gogh, Edvard Munch, Aldous Huxley

buy me a coffee

the impulsive urge to hurt myself

I do not wish to be known.

I want to move far away, to be a stranger in a new place. To experience life without anyone knowing me.

I want to be myself, and I can't do that with people. I feel much more alive when I'm alone.

Appetite: Rambling #17

19th April 2022, 14:52

My mum said that I’m getting my appetite back because I ate chocolate after dinner. It was Easter chocolate. Easter chocolate that she had bought for me. What do you want me to do? Just leave it until the due by date has gone by? Chocolate lasts for ages. Plus, what’s wrong with me wanting a little chocolate? I’m definitely more of a savoury person, but it’s nice to have chocolate every now and then. Especially during the Easter season. Also, the thing people forget is that I never lost my appetite. I was always hungry. I just never ate. Food is amazing, but it’s also the bane of my existence. I feel as though my entire life is based around my food. Counting calories. Starving myself. Throwing up. Eating too much. Checking my weight. Reading mean-spo. I just want to be able to eat food without feeling like it is going to ruin my appearance.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

I hate how the antisocial dial being cranked up to full volume makes me have the urge to claw my way out of my own skin. Everything is unbearably boring, annoying, or just not enough for me when I'm like this. Something I don't like happens? Rage. I manage to actually enjoy something? I have to bleed it dry in an attempt to feel satisfied. I won't be.

It's extremely hard to care about anything I say or do, and my ability to mask drops to just about nothing.

- Rift

“The sun watches what I do. But the moon knows all my secrets.”

— Unknown

Clarice Lispector, from Selected Crônicas; “Excess and Privation “

The tention between the desire of being invisible and being seen by everyone.

I low-key wanna attempt suicide just so i can get admitted to a hospital and people can actually know that im not okay and care for me a bit, im just tired of pretending to be okay all the time.