RP FINDER

I low-key wanna attempt suicide just so i can get admitted to a hospital and people can actually know that im not okay and care for me a bit, im just tired of pretending to be okay all the time.

“I’m attracted to the extreme light and the extreme dark. I’m interested in the human condition and what makes people tick. I’m interested in the things people try to hide.”

— Johnny Depp

My favorite game is Am I Being Severely Haunted or Am I Hallucinating Again

I don’t know how much i can resist anymore,i can feel my life it’s coming to an end.

no matter what I'm doing it's wrong

no matter what I'm saying it's wrong

like what the fuck I just wanna die

ARCANE RP FINDER

I just watched Arcane for the fourth time, and I’m looking for somebody to play Vi against my Caitlyn or Jayce against my Viktor.

I roleplay on Discord, am a literate writer, and use third person. NSFW is welcome, and I prefer to write as switches.

I love all kinds of themes including dead dove. We can discuss triggers and plot something together.

Please contact me or like this post if you’re interested! Thanks :)

Love: Rambling #9

18th April 2022, 00:35

There is this girl that I love. She knows that I love her. I met her last summer, and I have loved her since the day we met. She is kind, funny, and she genuinely cares about me. The problem is, this girl lives in Ukraine. She lives in Kharkiv and is directly impacted by the war. I am so terrified something is going to happen to her. For your information, I live in Scotland. However, there are a lot of controversial thoughts I have about this girl. I’ll list them:

1. She’s 17. I don’t really care. 16 is the legal age in the UK. I am 20. The problem is, I like people who are older than me (preferably 25+). I can tell that she is still immature. I can see my 17 year old self in her mannerisms. It’s weird, though, because I’m jealous of her age. I feel like I’m mentally stuck at 17 and I haven’t grown up since. I think this is because I was isolated since I was 14, so I never got the opportunity to socialise and grow up. I know I will forever be 17. I suppose a good thing is that she is taller than me. I like that in a partner, too.

2. She’s very talented. She is brilliant at music and can draw wonderfully, too. Of course, I’m impressed by this and I like to see her work, but at the same time, I am jealous and it makes me feel insecure. I started guitar when I was 4. I was called a prodigy by my guitar instructor, but I never progressed. I was forced to work at the level of my peers. Now, I am only average at guitar. This girl, she attended a musicians school. It’s the same for her art. I bet her parents paid for her to be tutored. Either that, or she had so little worries that she had time to practice properly by herself. I had to work for a living, I didn’t get time to work on the things that I loved. Plus, I’ve never had a damn art lesson in my life. I have so many things that I want to draw, but I can’t draw for the life of me. I know it is just practice, but I don’t have the energy or the time to practice. I keep saying I’ll practice in summer, but we all know how that ends up.

3. She’s not serious. I want to flirt with her. Whenever I do, it’s always brushed off with a joke. It’s frustrating. I want her to smirk at my words. I want her to feel flustered. I want her to make me feel the same. I want to feel that ache in my chest when she says something hot. Not even sexual, just romantic or flirtatious. Though, I really do like making out. I want to make out with her, but that’s something I cannot suggest because it will scare her away.

4. She is asexual. Don’t get me wrong, I support people who are asexual, but fucking hell. What am I supposed to do? I’m not asexual. I want to touch her. I want to trace her body. I want to kiss the back of her neck. I want to make her stare at me while I walk. I want her to feel me. I want her to love every aspect of me. And, again, not even sexually. I want to skim her body like ripples on the ocean. I want to count the freckles on her skin. I want to see her nude to appreciate the beauty of her body. I can’t ever ask for something like this because she in asexual, and I cannot stand rejection. I still have hope that she will change, or that I can turn her sexual, or that she just hasn’t tried being sexual with a ‘female’ before. When I was 17, I thought I was asexual, too. I hope this is just a phase. I want her to love me. Love me hard.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Annoying: Rambling #13

19th April 2022, 00:23

Do you know what is super annoying? The fact that I cannot feel joy for another person. It is so irritating to me. All these people keep telling me about their wonderful days, that they’re excited for something, or that they have accomplished something. Of course, I’m good at feigning interest and happiness, I’ve done that my entire life, but I couldn’t care less about what they’re going through. Don’t get me wrong, I prefer it when they’re happy than sad because when they’re sad they’re more difficult to manipulate, but, god, they are so annoying. I don’t understand how somebody can be happy when their superior feels nothing at all. Like, I’m here, as cold as a damn ice cube (metaphorically, although my feet are pretty cold right now), and they have the audacity to shit out sunshine and rainbows. Screw the ‘but the warmth will melt your ice’ bullshit. No it doesn’t. All the warmth ever does is give me sunburn. I’m repulsed by these middle class snobs. They haven’t worked or suffered a day in their life and it shows. One girl I’m friends with likes to say that she was raised in poverty like me, but she moved away from her poverty house when she was three. We don’t have memories from before we’re five. She just wants to relate to me. Nobody can stand being perfect nowadays. The internet has convinced us that we gain validity through oppression. Be gay. Be trans. Be black. Be a woman. Be disabled. If you’re anything else, you’re a foul, disgusting human being. It’s cool and quirky to be different nowadays, but it undermines everything that the people in the aforementioned categories actually go through. Like, take being transgender for instance. Anybody who says you don’t need gender dysphoria to be transgender should quite literally be castrated and thrown down a well to rot. Yes, I’m saying this on Tumblr, the birthplace of a thousand genders. I’m not a snowflake, and I’m not scared of some retarded social justice warrior (yes, I can use the word retarded, I’m autistic). I was diagnosed with transgenderism about five years ago. Let me say that again. DIAGNOSED. Not identifying with your birth gender is a mental illness. It is debilitating. Don’t get me wrong, I have no idea if I still want to transition, I don’t know if I can deal with the stigma of being transgender because imbeciles like those snowflakes have made my disorder into a laughingstock. Anyway, I digress. It would be nice if I was able to feel somebody else’s happiness. Maybe it would give me happiness for once. I’m tired of feeling only negative emotions. Some days I don’t feel an emotion at all. The numbness overwhelms me sometimes. I worry that those days I might snap and do something I could regret, something that could ruin my life, my future, my prospects. I’ve fantasied about a lot of controversial things: raping somebody, killing somebody, torturing children, setting buildings on fire, kidnapping multiple people, etc. It gives me a rush of adrenaline when I think of these things. I won’t do them, I’m too stubborn and I want to finish my University degree without becoming a serial killer, but if everything goes tits up, they’ll always be something out there for me to do. If only I had a lover who was as fucked up as me to do it with.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

paramore - caught in the middle