Currently Thinking Which Part I Should Cxt Of Myself

God complex

Longtemps j'ai été jaloux

Et j'ai motivé mon action par envie

Envie d'avoir du style, du raffinement

Envie d'être autant exceptionnel Aujourd'hui, de mes 24 ans

J'ai comblé les besoins de ma convoitise

Sans m'apercevoir que je n'avais de réel besoin Me vient alors le doute, de la raison de mon existence

Sur cette Terre, si je n'ai de désir pur, ou de besoin à combler Et je ralentis La rue est lente

Et les feuilles semblent vivre

Et cet ivrogne en face

Je fais erreur, il habite ici

Et la lumière

Et la nature

Tout ça je le comprends

Je sens que le monde est à ma portée

Que je peux m'y glisser en assemblant mes notes

Que je saurais tout écrire, et trouver des vérités

Convaincu de mon unicité

Convaincu qu'un être unique n'existe que pour apprendre aux autres

Convaincu que je suis un être en devoir

Convaincu qu'on m'a mis ici pour devoir

Convaincu que je ne suis pas

Mais qu'on est bien ici Alors je marche vite

Je marche vite comme une proie qui s'exerce

La proie d'une force divine

Mais combien de temps peut on marcher vite ?

Combien de temps dure la volonté ?

Combien de temps dure la peur de marcher sur une feuille vivante ?

Combien de temps dure le désir, et enfin, son absence ? Je sens en moi l'appel au secours d'une personne saine

Dans un corps sain, un environnement sain

Qui a pourtant la force d'appeler un être qui saurait lui faire voir

Combien sa force la rend faible

Combien la lumière la rend aveugle

La force d'appeler un être qui pourra la briser

Slowly coming to the conclusion that no amount of love or reassurance can heal what has already been done to me. I seriously think I have met too many people in my life that fucked me up so bad, I simply will never be able to trust anyone anymore.

I've seen so many times things like:

Think about the people that you'll hurt.

Why tho?

Why do I have to think of someone else?

What about me?

I may not be the prettiest or the smartest girl in the room, but I’m definitely the most mentally ill.

Do you ever feel like everyone around you is annoyed by you, they want you around cause they'll feel bad if you're gone. But they don't need you and you feel toxic, you're just HERE. Hahaha cause yea I want to die

I’ve never understood how people throw around the word love so easily. They’ll claim to love their whole family, all of their friends, and their significant other. How can you love that many people at once? If push comes to shove, who would you really choose? Who does it come down to?

They’ll claim to love someone after 3 weeks of knowing them, and then fall out of love with someone in an equally short span of time, or be drawn to another just as quickly. How are you even remotely interested in anyone else?

Maybe you have affection for them, and thats what they mean, but love? That binding to the soul? That choiceless, powerful bond where you’d do anything and everything for them? Where you hold them above the lives of everyone else and even your own morality, your own soul? Would you legitimately go through the Gates of Hell for them? Follow them to the ends of the earth? Do “normal” people not feel that way? Thats rare, once or twice in a lifetime.

People must have a much weaker, watered down definition of love than I do. Have most people felt actual love at all? Same with hatred, with despair, with rage. Sometimes I wonder if most modern, non traumatized people have truly felt those things at all. Is modern life too safe for legitimate emotion? Are they lying? Exaggerating? Simply ignorant to the shallow depth of their emotions, inexperienced?

I am chronically emotionally vacant, I am fake, yet sometimes I think I’m the only real person in the world. On the very rare occassion that I do care for someone, I care for them with my entire being. Maybe I am just obsessive. Maybe its not normal to be unable to love more than one person at a time, or to find it so difficult and rare to attach to others.

god complex? what's so complex about it. i'm a god, simple.

Roleplay: Rambling #20

21st April 2022, 21:46

I think I know why I like roleplaying so much. It’s like I can escape into a different reality and become somebody entirely else. I can make friends and lovers. I can be in a fantasy world with powers and dragons. I can be the centre of attention. When I roleplay, I can switch of this prison of a world and forget all the horrible things that are happening to me. When I roleplay, I don’t feel so alone. I love the people I roleplay with, the ones that are genuinely good at writing, because they create these wonderful worlds and situations for me to be in. They give me an escape, and I’m forever grateful. I have roleplayed for many years and it has never gotten boring to me. I enjoy being loved. I enjoy being beautiful. I simply enjoy being.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Psalm 58:6

Showering with open cuts hurt like hell