Tokidokioki - 🦈

I'm tired of hearing it's gonna be okay.

I just want it to be okay.

Depersonalisation: Rambling #18

21st April 2022, 21:29

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly weird. When I climbed out of bed, my feet were not my own. They seemed so far away from me. When I looked at my hands, they looked like hands I had never seen before. I tried to use the bathroom, but I felt like I was driving a car. I was inside my skull and watching the world around me on a movie screen. Everything was out of place and foreign. I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing. Strangely, I felt like I was floating. People call this depersonalisation. I guess that is what I was feeling, but it’s the strongest I’ve ever felt it. I truly didn’t feel like I was attached to my body. I felt robotic, like a sim being controlled in-game. It was nauseating. My problem is, though, is why does this happen? It has to happen for a reason. Am I having a moment of clarity? A blip in the system? Am I experiencing who I truly am? Was this body ever really mine? Or was this body given to me? I don’t remember becoming who I am today. I just arrived. Who am I?

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

"be like a star,

distant and dying"

The only thing I'm good at is destroying myself

the impulsive urge to hurt myself

Annoying: Rambling #13

19th April 2022, 00:23

Do you know what is super annoying? The fact that I cannot feel joy for another person. It is so irritating to me. All these people keep telling me about their wonderful days, that they’re excited for something, or that they have accomplished something. Of course, I’m good at feigning interest and happiness, I’ve done that my entire life, but I couldn’t care less about what they’re going through. Don’t get me wrong, I prefer it when they’re happy than sad because when they’re sad they’re more difficult to manipulate, but, god, they are so annoying. I don’t understand how somebody can be happy when their superior feels nothing at all. Like, I’m here, as cold as a damn ice cube (metaphorically, although my feet are pretty cold right now), and they have the audacity to shit out sunshine and rainbows. Screw the ‘but the warmth will melt your ice’ bullshit. No it doesn’t. All the warmth ever does is give me sunburn. I’m repulsed by these middle class snobs. They haven’t worked or suffered a day in their life and it shows. One girl I’m friends with likes to say that she was raised in poverty like me, but she moved away from her poverty house when she was three. We don’t have memories from before we’re five. She just wants to relate to me. Nobody can stand being perfect nowadays. The internet has convinced us that we gain validity through oppression. Be gay. Be trans. Be black. Be a woman. Be disabled. If you’re anything else, you’re a foul, disgusting human being. It’s cool and quirky to be different nowadays, but it undermines everything that the people in the aforementioned categories actually go through. Like, take being transgender for instance. Anybody who says you don’t need gender dysphoria to be transgender should quite literally be castrated and thrown down a well to rot. Yes, I’m saying this on Tumblr, the birthplace of a thousand genders. I’m not a snowflake, and I’m not scared of some retarded social justice warrior (yes, I can use the word retarded, I’m autistic). I was diagnosed with transgenderism about five years ago. Let me say that again. DIAGNOSED. Not identifying with your birth gender is a mental illness. It is debilitating. Don’t get me wrong, I have no idea if I still want to transition, I don’t know if I can deal with the stigma of being transgender because imbeciles like those snowflakes have made my disorder into a laughingstock. Anyway, I digress. It would be nice if I was able to feel somebody else’s happiness. Maybe it would give me happiness for once. I’m tired of feeling only negative emotions. Some days I don’t feel an emotion at all. The numbness overwhelms me sometimes. I worry that those days I might snap and do something I could regret, something that could ruin my life, my future, my prospects. I’ve fantasied about a lot of controversial things: raping somebody, killing somebody, torturing children, setting buildings on fire, kidnapping multiple people, etc. It gives me a rush of adrenaline when I think of these things. I won’t do them, I’m too stubborn and I want to finish my University degree without becoming a serial killer, but if everything goes tits up, they’ll always be something out there for me to do. If only I had a lover who was as fucked up as me to do it with.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

I want to destroy everything. I want to ruin my life, smash glass bottles agaisnt walls, run away into the night and get in trouble, scream and yell at the top of my lungs, get into fist fights, and stand up for myself. I want to be so so angry and loud about how awful I feel that everyone realizes that I was never okay, and I was never going to be okay, and that they left me behind to suffer. But I'm too tired. I'm too tired to move, to think. I just want to lay in bed all day and ignore the world. I just slap on a neutral face and do as I'm told. I wish I could be so angry about how sick I've become, but instead I keep quietly to myself, and live another miserable tired day.

maybe all the signs were there-

maybe i just refused to see them.

after all, red flags just look like flags when you see them through rose colored glasses.

-why did i believe you when you said you'd never hurt me? c.r.

                                                                                            Yet                        I still want some kind of contact. Yet I am the one who can’t let go                                             —into complete silence,                        which seems so unthinkable. What keeps me?                        Is it devotion or addiction? Is it the need for                        intimacy, or the proof that I can survive                        some kind of violence?

— Yanyi, from “Affirmation,” Dream of the Divided Field