You Cannot Make Everyone Think And Feel As Deeply As You Do. This Is Your Tragedy … Because You Understand

                                                                                            Yet                        I still want some kind of contact. Yet I am the one who can’t let go                                             —into complete silence,                        which seems so unthinkable. What keeps me?                        Is it devotion or addiction? Is it the need for                        intimacy, or the proof that I can survive                        some kind of violence?

— Yanyi, from “Affirmation,” Dream of the Divided Field

my healing cuts are so fucking itchy AAAAAAAAA

Minor inconvenience:

Me: how about i end up in the fucking hospital how about that

when is someone going to confess that they’re obsessed with me

paramore - caught in the middle

The Truth: Rambling #22

17th May 2022, 01:17

(The following is a message I wrote to my friendship group in my notes at the beginning of May. For context, I read through a groupchat that they had made without me. I had a mental breakdown and told the truth, but people don’t wish to hear the truth. I revealed that I was counting my pills and was going to kill myself. I explained that I had blocked my door so no paramedics could enter. How did they react? They ignored me and went to comfort X because she was ‘upset’ about the messages I had sent you. The truth. How come somebody with a paper cut gets all the attention and love while somebody split in half is completely isolated and alone? The only reason I didn’t kill myself that evening was because I fell asleep before I could try from absolute exhaustion from freaking out, but my body definitely suffered the consequences. I had a black eye and my knuckles were very fucked up.)

You know, after you’ve dealt with abuse, you’re extremely good at reading people. When I get a bad gut-feeling, I’ve learnt to trust it. It’s usually always right. This time, unfortunately, it was right again. When I learned X was very empathic, I immediately saw this as faux for attention. I now believe that this is the case. X is empathic because that’s how she wants other people to view her, she does not actually care for somebody’s feelings. I know this because she prioritised her own feelings above mine. She also loved the gossip that was involved with W, creating memes and spreading misinformation, just being an all-round instigator while maintaining the innocent act by apologising and acting hurt. X is manipulative. She has convinced everything that I am this horrible, disgusting person and slandered me behind my back. Not once did I ever say her feelings were invalid. Yet, this is one of the prime reasons why everybody now despises me. I explained why my feelings where hurt, but that I wanted her to be happy and do what was best for her. I bet she didn’t tell you that part, did she? Apparently I’m not ‘the friend you thought I was’, no, I’m just manipulative.

What part of being autistic do you not understand? I. Do. Not. Like. Change. It doesn’t matter how many times you say things won’t change, I know for a fact that they will. By dating, you have fractured the group and changed the dynamic FOREVER. You hang out without me, you lie to me about where you are, you leave me waiting for hours for you to arrive, you tell everybody my secrets, you make group chats without me so I’m unable to defend myself, and you convince everyone that I am the perpetrator. I trusted you to open up to you about how I felt, about how I am suicidal, and you used that to victimise yourself. You are not the victim, and you never have been. You say that I’m putting all this pressure onto you, that my life is in your hands. Don’t be so full of yourself. You are not worth me killing myself over. Everybody thinks that you were always there for me. No, you weren’t. Your words are superficial. You never tried to help me. You never stayed up late with me. You never held me, or watched me cry. I did that for you. I held your hair when you were throwing up. I hugged you when you were having anxiety attacks. Everybody seems to forget about that. You will never understand the way I am feeling.

You lied to me about how you felt about Y. You lied to me. You lied. I cannot trust you. Then you twisted everything I said. Why can you not understand that this is painful for me? My two closest friends care more about each other than me. I’m not asking to be prioritised, as Z kindly said (thanks, by the way, feels really good). No, I’m asking to be EQUAL. Yet, when you date somebody, you’re equal no more. I am no longer equal to you both. I am no longer comfortable around you. Z didn’t tell Y about their feelings for him because they knew that it would rupture the group, and yet, here you both are, being entirely selfish because you want to feel something superfluous.

I find it hilarious that my disabilities and mental health are no longer something you can deal with when it becomes something you cannot relate to or romanticise. I apologise that my mental health isn’t just getting cold or shaking from anxiety. I apologise that I’m dealing with serious problems that you can only dream of facing. I apologise that you will always only ever be shallow individuals with no real understanding of the outside world. ‘Not as good of a friend as we thought he was’. Are you kidding me? I slaved for you. I went outside almost every damn day to maintain my friendships with you guys. I didn’t admit a single thing wrong with me until I TRUSTED you guys. And look where that got me. Now you are using my mental health to convince everybody that I am manipulative and inconsiderate.

Tell them the truth. Tell them that I said I want you to be happy. Tell them that I never once invalidated your feelings. Tell them that I was being realistic and your fairytale (which you were willing to go after and to completely toss your friends aside for) was something I had a problem with. Tell them how I said I didn’t want to lose you. Tell them how I said I didn’t want us to get different accommodations. Tell them of how you BETRAYED me. You lied about me. I am not manipulative, X is.

It hurts because everybody I care about is miles away from me. Everybody is leaving me. My friend hasn’t replied for a week. My family is dying and breaking apart. Yet, when I tell you this, when I confide in you why this is hurting me, you convince everybody that I am manipulative. When YOU break me, I’m in the wrong. ‘I shouldn’t have told you those things’. ‘I should apologise’. None of this was my fault, you were just so reluctant to listen to my opinion, and then you stomped on my opinion and tossed me to the dirt, making sure that everybody else would stomp on me as well when I was already down. You dare say you care about me? What a load of bullshit. You are nothing but a snake. A cunning, manipulative little snake. You’ve got everybody wrapped around your finger. But I’m smarter than you, and I see exactly what you’re doing. You can’t out manipulate the manipulator after all, can you?

No way in hell do I want to live with people as toxic as you. I hope one day that the others will realise what you are truly like. I pity that they have not gone through the same abuse to be able to see things as clearly as I can.

(Here is also the note about the medication I had counted:

Paracetamol: 90

Gedarel: 140

Naproxen: 6

Imodium: 28

Loratadine: 7 (went off in 2017)

Amitriptyline: 37

Citalopram (40): 55

Citalopram (10): 17

Together: 380

I have more medication now, and I have also bought alcohol; a deadly combination.)

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)