Tokidokioki - 🦈

I already said too much. I already shared too much, and I want all my secrets back. I hate getting close to people these days. I always regret sharing too much, caring too much, doing too much, feeling too much.

I don’t know how much i can resist anymore,i can feel my life it’s coming to an end.

Energy: Rambling #11

18th April 2022, 02:12

Do you know what is really annoying? The random surges of energy that I can get. But, do you know when it is? It is always during the middle of the fucking night when I can’t do anything. Bake food? I don’t know how to work the new oven. Clean? The hoover would be too loud. Dance? My footsteps are heavy. Try on new clothes? My wardrobe door sounds like I’m dropping a nuclear bomb. I wish I had this kind of energy when I woke up and throughout the day, but when I wake up, I feel like I have been beaten up and had my head held underwater.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Daddy Issues: Rambling #10

18th April 2022, 00:46

Rambling 10. How coincidental that I write about my father on the same number that is my birthday. Anyway, I have a problem that is very taboo. It concerns incest. I believe my father may have molested me as a child, but I cannot remember. My father did a lot of sketchy, sexual things when I was younger, but I can never remember them directly. My sister believes the same. It can’t just be my imagination. He did something, I just wish I could uncover what. I know it is my brain protecting me, but I just crave to know. I hate being none the wiser to things. I digress, that’s not the fucked up part. The fucked up part is now, whenever I’m masturbating, I picture my father raping me when I’m a child of maybe 6 or 7 years old. I like to pretend he’s touching me and comforting me that it’s “okay” and that “what I’m feeling is normal”. I pretend that he gets hard at the thought of me. I know what his penis looks like, I remember it hanging out his boxers when he was sleeping. I also remember momentarily touching myself to the sight of it, but stopping from the taboo. I don’t know what it is about my father that turns me on. I know it’s definitely a stockholm type of symptom, a consequence of sexual abuse, but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’m not attracted to my father. He’s fat and ugly. Nothing, not a single thing, about him is attractive to me. Still, I can’t stop thinking about him overpowering me, or putting his penis in me while I’m sleeping. Whenever I have these thoughts, and especially if I cum to them, I have to wash myself afterwards. Sometimes I wash myself so many times that my skin turns red and blotchy. I feel disgusting. I feel like he has taken my virginity and yet, to my knowledge, I’m a virgin. Why is my mind corrupted by him like this? I haven’t seen him in years. The power he has over me is astounding. I wish he would just die both physically and inside my head. Leave me alone. Leave my body alone. I was just a child. I didn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve this.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

the feminine urge to smoke a cig and then just kms idc

All my relationships are temporary.

I've never had a long time friend, no one has even been around me for more than a few years. I don't miss them, I have no drive to keep in contact.

I lose interest and move on, even the people I know now, I have no motivation to talk to them. Despite the fact I could keep the friendship alive. It just, feels like a dead weight.

Seeing people talk about the relationships they have, their close companions, people they trust and actually know. I'm not human, not in the way other people are.