Energy: Rambling #11

when is someone going to confess that they’re obsessed with me

seems like a good fucking day to 0d, do drvgs, or cvt

fuck it, why not all at once???

doing nice things for people for attention or praise is okay. it’s okay to have another motive behind what you’re doing. you still added kindness to the world. you still tried and did your best and i’m proud of you! kindness is hard and confusing when you were never exposed to it!! cheers to everyone trying to be kind in a body that rejects that very notion.

I do not wish to be known.

I want to move far away, to be a stranger in a new place. To experience life without anyone knowing me.

I want to be myself, and I can't do that with people. I feel much more alive when I'm alone.

Daddy Issues: Rambling #10

18th April 2022, 00:46

Rambling 10. How coincidental that I write about my father on the same number that is my birthday. Anyway, I have a problem that is very taboo. It concerns incest. I believe my father may have molested me as a child, but I cannot remember. My father did a lot of sketchy, sexual things when I was younger, but I can never remember them directly. My sister believes the same. It can’t just be my imagination. He did something, I just wish I could uncover what. I know it is my brain protecting me, but I just crave to know. I hate being none the wiser to things. I digress, that’s not the fucked up part. The fucked up part is now, whenever I’m masturbating, I picture my father raping me when I’m a child of maybe 6 or 7 years old. I like to pretend he’s touching me and comforting me that it’s “okay” and that “what I’m feeling is normal”. I pretend that he gets hard at the thought of me. I know what his penis looks like, I remember it hanging out his boxers when he was sleeping. I also remember momentarily touching myself to the sight of it, but stopping from the taboo. I don’t know what it is about my father that turns me on. I know it’s definitely a stockholm type of symptom, a consequence of sexual abuse, but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’m not attracted to my father. He’s fat and ugly. Nothing, not a single thing, about him is attractive to me. Still, I can’t stop thinking about him overpowering me, or putting his penis in me while I’m sleeping. Whenever I have these thoughts, and especially if I cum to them, I have to wash myself afterwards. Sometimes I wash myself so many times that my skin turns red and blotchy. I feel disgusting. I feel like he has taken my virginity and yet, to my knowledge, I’m a virgin. Why is my mind corrupted by him like this? I haven’t seen him in years. The power he has over me is astounding. I wish he would just die both physically and inside my head. Leave me alone. Leave my body alone. I was just a child. I didn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve this.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Does anybody wanna do a Scaramouche x Kazuha x Heizou roleplay? We can be a group of three, or we can play one of the characters together. I only roleplay on Discord.

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I don’t know how much i can resist anymore,i can feel my life it’s coming to an end.