When A Band Announces A World Tour.

Dissociation feels

everything is happening 0.5 times too fast

numb

everything but a little bit to the left

Numb™

it feels like Monday the 17th at 3:31pm but also like Saturday at 4:57am

….. existing?

hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

why are the end credits playing I didn’t even hit play

Current emotion is coma

I need to self-harm but I physically cannot move

feeling panic rising up inside but being too numb to physically react

Must Do Thing. Do Not Know What Thing Is.

N҉͏̖͇͕̥ư̷̭̪͇͉̰̱͢ͅḿ͝҉̠̬̘͇̫͇͍̘͜b̴͓͍̱̣

everythingeverythingeverythingeverythingeverythingeverythingeverythingeverythingeverythingevery

…I should start a religion

I A M G O D

*vibrating softly* everything in the world is my fault

Numb

Existence Is Fraud

Do I still have legs?

If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.

Vincent Van Gogh (via yourlocalwriterblog)

Child abusers don’t let children know they’re victims. Survivors of child abuse by large don’t know they’ve been abused. Abusive parents raise the child to have great compassion for them, to always view them as humane as possible, they make sure children are grateful to them, they point out every single thing they did for the child, such as “paid for your stuff” or “financed your schooling” or “gave you a roof over your head and fed you all these years” (even though to not do these things would be straight illegal, but they don’t mention that part, do they) as a proof of how good and generous they are, they make sure to recite all possible excuses to why they’re acting so abusive, they had a hard life, they have a lot on their plate, they’re good people they just make mistakes, they’ve been badly treated too, they don’t even know they’re hurting you, they’re insisting you’re too sensitive and get hurt from nothing, they don’t let the child hold them accountable or hold them guilty for any of their abuse. Abused child will be ashamed of themselves and hardly ever consider themselves a victim, they will be taught to repress and ignore trauma symptoms, to find a way to blame themselves for everything, to feel guilty just for how awful they feel all the time.

Emotionally abused child strongly believes that their parent is inherently good and deserves all the compassion in the world, all the excuses, all forgiveness and none of the blame for their actions (parents make sure children know that the blame would hurt them so children must never blame them) and will fight to defend the parent and point out why abuse was not really abuse, why children deserved it, why nobody is to blame, except maybe themselves, because “they weren’t good enough” to appease the parent which would then hopefully be a bit more kind (of course not). They often wont even admit how badly they’re scared of their parents.

To have an abused child realize they’ve been exploited, lied to, betrayed, systematically destroyed and dehumanized by their parent, their entire world needs to break down, everything they’ve been taught has to be acknowledged as a lie, what they considered right and fair needs to change to wrong, who they trusted the most needs to change to be least trust-worthy, who in their head, made sure they survive up to that point, needs to turn into a person who almost cost them their life, and destroyed it rather than held it safe. It’s not a fun ride. It’s devastating to go through, it breaks a person apart completely and forces them to re-construct their entire reality. And it’s the only way to have a chance to really recover, to validate themselves and their pain, to understand to what depth they’ve been damaged, and by who and why. It’s the only way to realize that they’re entitled to life, to food, to roof, to nurturing, to everything that was held against them, they’ve been required to feel grateful that they weren’t left to die. 

For those who still have to face this, or are facing it right now, you are going through the worst of your life right now. For those who have no empathy or patience for survivors to figure their lives out, fuck you, try living their life for a few years, see if you survive it. For abusers, I hope someone figures out how to force you to feel every single bit of pain you’ve inflicted on your children, I hope you fucking scream yourself to death from pain you’ve caused.

When STEM people have fun.

While cleaning your attic, you find a box of glass balls with names on them. You accidentally drop one, and as soon as it shatters, a person appears.

First body paragraphs: Eloquent, lovely. Unparalleled beauty in both diction and grammar. Thesis is strongly supported. Wide vocabulary. A semicolon is used. 

Last body paragraph: Short. Ugly. The crops are dying. Using the word “because” 56 times in only a few lines. Sentence structure whomst’ve? Forgot what my thesis says. In the distance, screaming

Caesar: dead

Brutus and Cassius: gay

Mark Anthony: triumphant

Hotel: trivago

at this point i'm proud of being a lame person

reading a lot of classic lit is like being friends with a bunch of straight girls, loving and supporting them, but watching in quiet horror as they make horrible decisions, both romantically and otherwise. like…. juliet sweetheart i fully support your quest for the montague dick, but let’s make sure romeo has the message before we fake-kill ourselves, okay? messengers can be shitty in this day and age. and cathy, look. you’re kind of the worst, but you still deserve better than heathcliff. get your associate’s, be nicer to edgar, and move out of that town, ok? and don’t die and leave your daughter in the clutches of your evil ex while you’re at it. narrator of rebecca… first off bitch we’ve been friends for years, tell me your name… second, PLEASE LEARN SOME SELF-LOVE AND SELF-CARE!!!!! YOU ARE A VIBRANT CREATURE KNOWN AS WOMAN, YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN TO BE WORTHWHILE!!!! and as for jane eyre…….. bitch……… i mean don’t get me wrong i love all of you and would die for any of you, any time, and please believe i say this with the utmost affection, but ALL OF YOU BITCHES ARE SO EXHAUSTING. OH MY GOD.

except you, lizzy bennet, you’re an angel and i’m thrilled that you’re here.

Enough excuses for parents who abused their kids but “meant the best”. They “meant the best” for themselves, not for the kids. It’s fucking easy to just rely on emotional abuse, threats, humiliation, shame, guilt and violence to get your way and to force your kid to stay in control and to sabotage and fuck up the child’s life so you would feel good about it, and then to just remind yourself “i meant the best” to feel no guilt about doing so whatsoever. Just repeating to yourself “it doesn’t hurt them” and “they deserved it”  while actively forcing your child to keep all the obvious trauma symptoms out of sight or ensuring the child believes it’s their own damn fault for feeling the way they do.

You know what’s not easy? Having your parent force control of your life via emotional abuse, threats, shame, humiliation, violence. Your parent getting into your own head and  gaslighting your senses until you feel worthless and insane and like a monster, until you don’t dare to feel your own feelings, until you’re ashamed of the pain you feel and can’t see yourself as anything other than a horrible burden and nothing you do can ever change that or make you good enough. You know what’s even harder? Still believing that your parent “meant the best” and not even daring to blame them and still being forced to draw the conclusion that it was after all, all your fault, for existing as you do, for being who you are, for not ever being good enough! And then, on top of all of it, hearing the rest of the world agree with the parent’s view, pressuring you to never blame them, to forgive them, to never hold them responsible, to “be better” and understand them, to not ever try to place blame on anyone but yourself because then you’re the monster.

Just. How. Is. One. Supposed. To. Heal. From. That. Healing can’t even begin until the blame is placed on the parent! This person literally benefited from their child’s suffering! They did not get affected negatively from it at all, they didn’t even care, they walked away satisfied and getting what they wanted while the child now has a lifetime of traumatic consequences and mental illness problems! Their freedom is taken away, their quality of life reduced, their relationships and friendships sabotaged, their confidence crushed! They’re placed at extra risk for addictions and obsessions because they keep falling into the black pit of trauma no matter how hard they try to distract and their life is heavy and painful no matter how well they do afterwards! Their brain can’t regulate stress properly anymore! Abuse causes literal brain damage and all this is just so the parents would get their way! And you all still insist they shouldn’t feel guilty about it or be faced with consequences of their abuse? They shouldn’t fucking admit to themselves and to their children what they’ve done? If the truth will kill them, let them die. Abused children’s right to heal comes way before the abusers feeling good about themselves.