I Cant Stop Making These

repeat after me:

even if i don’t like my body today i will take care of it

even if i don’t like myself today i will still be patient and kind with myself

even if i do not love myself i will still take care of and be kind to myself, despite not wanting to

i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash

TW (things my parents have said to me)

my stepfather said that he programmed the scale to show a higher number for my mother in order to motivate her and to show a lower number when I step on it so I don't lose any more weight. then he says "your cheeks are getting fatter. we need to stop eating as much as we do." at dinner I ate less (not because I got my shit together but because I physically couldn't because I binged before) and he said something like "you're done already? weird kid"

"your face has gotten fat. are you allergic to something or do you just not move enough? yours kinda looks like that of your mom now."

after dinner I put all the things back into the refrigerator and we have something like white chocolate spread and my mother said something like "they're always empty super quickly" and my stepfather said "yeah that's because she (he meant me) keeps eating them non stop. that's why her cheeks/face looks bigger/fatter" to which my mother chimed in with "yes, she is getting chubby cheeks" (I couldn't find a good translation for the German word "Pausbäckchen" or "Speckbäckchen" but it basically means either the cheeks of a child because they tend to have more roundish cheeks or the cheeks of a pig I imagine) and then my stepfather said that I needed to ride the bike more often and I'm like bold of you to assume that riding the bike made me stay "thin" haha no while I was in school I was able to restrict but now I'm home 24/7 and it's literally impossible to restrict🤡

"we should give you a scale, your face is getting really fat. you can tell that you don't ride your bike to school anymore."

(because of the amount of noodles) something like "I thought that we haven't cooked enough noodles but we should all eat less. especially her (meaning me)"

my mother always chooses the stuff for food that is the smallest and my stepfather said : "we have to give her (me) also just half the portion, her face has gotten fat. especially because she doesn't ride her bike anymore. she has at least gained 5 or 6 kg but she doesn't notice that because she doesn't weigh herself."

"your legs have gotten fat. you should do something about that"

my stepfather bought crisps and told me that I could take some up to my room because "I could use some meat on my ribs" so that he could tell me again that I need to lose weight.

my mother :"her face has gotten fatter." my stepfather :"Yeah because she just lies in bed all day and doesn't move at all"

my mother pointed out once again that my face has gotten fat and idk who said it but I heard someone say that it suits me.

went on a walk with my parents and they once again said that my face and legs have gotten fat and my stepfather then said that I should do sports and lose weight so that I'll still be able to fit in my chair and at my desk.

come on a walk with us so you will get the shape you had when you were still riding your bike

in conclusion

shit hurts. that was a lot of damage.

Currently 2 of my former friends (I don't consider us to be close because we don't talk anymore lol) posted these on insta and they're both super skinny like every time I would see them in our former school I would be so jealous and only stare at their legs and the way they moved. They always seemed so light and carefree.

At work there's a woman even skinnier than them and every time she walks by I also get super jealous. Everyone around me just seems to have their shit together and then I'm over here lying in bed doing absolutely nothing except disappointing my parents with every second that passes, stuffing my fat face at home and also at work. Like can you imagine that I just go to the store on the opposite side of my workplace and buy stuff that together has over 1000 calories

scrolling through tumblr like looking at skinny people would make me skinny

Therapists aren’t people who you “pay to pretend to care about you”, therapists are people you pay to teach you how to care for yourself

I don’t think enough people talk about the social hierarchy of eating disorders.

So, this is simply a reminder that Bulimia is NOT “failed anorexia.” Binge-Eating Disorder is NOT laziness and lack of self control. EDNOS is NOT any less valid that anorexia. And, Anorexia is NOT cute or desirable.

These are all horrible and deadly disorders, and there is no way to “fail” at having a mental illness. We are all suffering is different ways and that is always valid and deserving of help.

PSA

I think i speak for every ED blog when i say that even though i hate myself and my body - i do not think the same about any of my followers.

you could weigh 200lbs more than me and i still would not think you’re ugly, MY body dysmorphia and MY ED does not extend to you

why does it feel embarrassing to have any other ed than a restrictive ed?

(I apologize if this is rude to you, I don't mean to be rude or shame or bully anyone who struggles with non-restrictive eds it's just how I feel about myself. I'd rather say I struggle because I don't eat (enough) rather than saying I struggle because I eat too much and binge.)

this is everything I wasn't able to say <3

i don’t think i was supposed to live in this world. maybe it was too early for me, maybe i was supposed to be born in a couple of decades. or maybe i shouldn’t have been born at all. but i’m here now, and i’m suffering, and i don’t want to be here. this world, this society, its a nightmare i cant navigate. i’m completely out of touch. i can barely breathe anymore. i don’t think i’m supposed to be here.