I Wonder What Kind Of A Person I'd Be If I Didn't Have Anxiety

TW (things my parents have said to me)

my stepfather said that he programmed the scale to show a higher number for my mother in order to motivate her and to show a lower number when I step on it so I don't lose any more weight. then he says "your cheeks are getting fatter. we need to stop eating as much as we do." at dinner I ate less (not because I got my shit together but because I physically couldn't because I binged before) and he said something like "you're done already? weird kid"

"your face has gotten fat. are you allergic to something or do you just not move enough? yours kinda looks like that of your mom now."

after dinner I put all the things back into the refrigerator and we have something like white chocolate spread and my mother said something like "they're always empty super quickly" and my stepfather said "yeah that's because she (he meant me) keeps eating them non stop. that's why her cheeks/face looks bigger/fatter" to which my mother chimed in with "yes, she is getting chubby cheeks" (I couldn't find a good translation for the German word "Pausbäckchen" or "Speckbäckchen" but it basically means either the cheeks of a child because they tend to have more roundish cheeks or the cheeks of a pig I imagine) and then my stepfather said that I needed to ride the bike more often and I'm like bold of you to assume that riding the bike made me stay "thin" haha no while I was in school I was able to restrict but now I'm home 24/7 and it's literally impossible to restrict🤡

"we should give you a scale, your face is getting really fat. you can tell that you don't ride your bike to school anymore."

(because of the amount of noodles) something like "I thought that we haven't cooked enough noodles but we should all eat less. especially her (meaning me)"

my mother always chooses the stuff for food that is the smallest and my stepfather said : "we have to give her (me) also just half the portion, her face has gotten fat. especially because she doesn't ride her bike anymore. she has at least gained 5 or 6 kg but she doesn't notice that because she doesn't weigh herself."

"your legs have gotten fat. you should do something about that"

my stepfather bought crisps and told me that I could take some up to my room because "I could use some meat on my ribs" so that he could tell me again that I need to lose weight.

my mother :"her face has gotten fatter." my stepfather :"Yeah because she just lies in bed all day and doesn't move at all"

my mother pointed out once again that my face has gotten fat and idk who said it but I heard someone say that it suits me.

went on a walk with my parents and they once again said that my face and legs have gotten fat and my stepfather then said that I should do sports and lose weight so that I'll still be able to fit in my chair and at my desk.

come on a walk with us so you will get the shape you had when you were still riding your bike

in conclusion

shit hurts. that was a lot of damage.

they way ive had this stupid ass ed for so long and im still not skinny shoulda done this shit the healthy way bro 💀💀💀

✨ reblog if ✨

You have an eating disorder but it doesn’t look like you do.

i can't stop eating. i hate myself

my heart is stupid

WARNING TO ALL MINORS IN THE ANA/MIA COMMUNITY

PLEASE, DO NOT SCROLL PAST THIS.

THERE IS A PREDATOR WHO HAS THE URL ‘FARTOOBIG4LITTLEGIRLSAGAINN’

HE WILL ADVERTISE WHAT HE DOES AS MEANSPO, BUT IT IS FOR HIS OWN SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.

DO NOT FEED INTO HIS FANTASY. PLEASE, REBLOG THIS. DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO PREY ON ANYBODY ELSE. I DO NOT KNOW HOW MANY OTHER GIRLS HE HAS TRIED TO PREY ON, BUT PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD.

The people telling me to stop and that I don’t need to be skinny to be pretty, yeah theyre all thin. They’re all pretty.

So stfu. Stfu and worry when I look better than you.

binge eating is awful. it’s stressful, extremely upsetting, and it can make you feel out of control. but overcoming binge eating is possible. there was a time when i thought i would never beat the binge cycle that i was trapped in, but with hard work and dedication i was able to fully recover. i’ve grown so much through my experience, and i picked up a lot of useful tips and tricks along the way. so i put together a bunch of resources that will hopefully help you get through this too. it’s a long post, so buckle up. let’s get into it…

beat cravings:

drink water

or peppermint tea

chew mint gum

gargle mouthwash

suck on ice cubes

brush your teeth

find healthier alternatives to the foods that you crave. fruit instead of candy, miracle noodles instead of pasta, frozen yogurt instead of ice cream, dark chocolate instead of milk chocolate, popcorn instead of chips… etc.

distract yourself:

study or do homework

meditate

exercise!

clean your room

paint your nails

do your makeup

take a shower or long bath

shave your legs

do a face mask

write a story or in your journal

work on an art project

read a book

make cute diy gifts for your loved ones

organize your closet

go for a walk or run

try on/plan outfits

take a nap

go shopping

run errands

just get out of the house and away from the kitchen

call up a friend

volunteer

binge prevention tips:

tell someone! having a support system can do wonders for your recovery. they can hold you accountable and encourage you.

get rid of all trigger foods. seriously, go through your kitchen and throw out everything you have the tendency to binge on. i used to binge on ice cream every single day until i tossed it out. chocolate, cereal, peanut butter, whatever your vice is… say goodbye. “if it’s there, you’ll eat it.”

tip #1 can be tough if you don’t live alone. opening up to your roommates about your problem can really help them understand the seriousness of it. one thing you can do is keep all of your food in a separate area, and train yourself to eat only from your own stash. in binge eating disorder recovery, i kept my food in an entirely different room from the kitchen (thanks, minifridge) and it helped me so much!

also, don’t buy food products you’ve binged on before. never go to the grocery store hungry, because you’ll be more likely to fill your cart with things that aren’t great for you (or your binging).

crash dieting often results in the development of binge eating. don’t restrict your calories too much if your goal is sustainable fat loss. furthermore, you’re gonna need energy to get through your workouts!

if the urge to eat is strong, make food that requires cooking/baking. i usually toss a sweet potato or some into the oven because it’ll take an hour or so to be ready to eat. by then, the urge to binge has often subsided.

always stock up on high volume foods, like vegetables. one of my favorite binge prevention techniques is to buy giant bags of veggies that i can just throw in the microwave. they’re huge- for a very small amount of calories, so if i eat a lot, it’s totally okay. (i like the ones from greengiant.)

meal prep meal prep meal prep! make your meals beforehand (in cute lil containers if you like) and this can help you stay on track. if you want to take it a step further, you can even buy the ingredients you need day-by-day to completely eliminate any chance of binging. (although this means going to the grocery store every day.)

set alarms for when you eat your meals. i just use an app on my phone for this. it helps because when i get a craving i am able to tell myself, just a little while longer until the next alarm and then i can eat.

include plenty of protein and fiber in your diet. they help keep you full! but it’s also important that your diet includes carbs and fats as well. a lack of any nutrient can cause your brain to send signals to your body that you need to eat. besides, you need all of these things to function!

don’t completely deprive yourself of any food you love. moderation is key.

get proper sleep! you should aim for around 9 hours of sleep per night. not getting enough sleep is linked to overeating, a slowed metabolism, and an increase in appetite.

never skip breakfast! every time i skip breakfast i always end up eating way too much later in the day.

and of course… stay hydrated. 💧

how to make an anti-binge box:

it’s a good idea to keep a stash of helpful items somewhere in the house. i keep mine in my room because i tend to binge at night. here’s some ideas for what to put in your anti-binge box.

gum/mints

bottled water

flavored sparkling water (good for soda cravings).

tea bags

jump rope, dumbbells, or other exercise equipment that you can grab and go

motivational quotes/pictures

journal

low calorie snacks like rice cakes, applesauce, jello, etc. (sometimes the act of chewing/eating will help ease the urge to binge.)

books

important phone numbers in case you need to call someone to help

intermittent fasting for binge prevention:

ah, intermittent fasting… it’s all the rage these days. normally i would roll my eyes at such diet trends, but this is what finally helped me get over my binge cycle!

i use the 16:8 fasting method, which in my opinion is the most effective for binge prevention. you have an 8-hour eating window in which you have all of your meals, and then you don’t eat for 16 hours.

my eating window is from 8am to 4pm, because i am more likely to binge in the evenings. even if i start to compulsively overeat during the day, i am able to stop at 4pm because it’s become a habit to do so.

your personal eating window can be whenever you want it to be, but i highly recommend the majority of your fasting to be during sleep.

intermittent fasting has several other benefits, but it can also cause health issues for some individuals. you should do your own research before determining whether or not intermittent fasting is for you.

what to do after a binge:

don’t panic. it takes 3500 calories over your basal metabolic rate to gain one pound. most people burn around 2000 each day, so if you binged on 4000 calories today, you won’t gain even half a pound! remember this if you step on the scale and it says you’ve gained several pounds overnight. i promise that you have not- the weight gain comes from water retention, food, and waste.

step away from the kitchen. go to a room where you can calm down and recuperate. your bedroom, a cozy den perhaps. just get away from the source of your distress.

find some way to relax. take a shower or soothing bath, watch an episode of your favorite tv show, curl up with a good book, exercise if you feel up to it.

if you are having a panic attack, move to a space where you will be less likely to hurt yourself. make sure there are no sharp things around. then just float along with the panic attack until it subsides; recognize that you are not dying and that this panic attack cannot hurt you, and just roll with it. ride the wave until it’s over instead of fighting it. (and call someone to be with you if you can.)

don’t try to starve yourself the next day, as this will likely only lead to another binge. trust me when i say that binge-starve cycles are the worst. besides, one single binge will barely impact your weight. just accept that it happened and move on.

dealing with the physical pain:

binge eating can be painful and very uncomfortable. it may feel like you’re about to burst. here are a few of my tips, researched and learned from experience, to help with the bloating and other physical symptoms that might occur after a binge.

drink tea. peppermint tea is excellent for soothing a bloated belly, but all teas have benefits. though i would suggest that you avoid caffeine right now, as it can make your anxiety worse.

try a heating pad. this can help with the pain.

sit still, close your eyes. lie down and allow your body to recover from the shock it has just received.

take a hot bath or a warm shower. relax, baby.

drink water. but don’t drink too much too quickly, or you might get nauseated.

do not force yourself to throw up (purge) because binging is already a shock to your body. vomiting is even more of a shock. you can do a lot of damage by purging, and it can be really hard to stop once you start. just don’t do it.

try to do some light yoga/stretching if you can, but don’t do strenuous exercise yet. allow your body to digest the food.

go to sleep. hit the reset button and start fresh tomorrow. sleeping is great for settling your stomach and healing your body. 

treatment options:

often times, binge eating is triggered by an emotion or stress. consider talking to a therapist who can give you strategies to combat this. therapy can help you get down to the root of the problem and find out what’s causing that stress. compulsive eating can also be helped with therapy.

work with a dietician or nutritionist. sometimes when another person plans out your foods and meals, it can help you stay on top of things. it can be good motivation too.

if things are really bad, consider seeing a psychiatrist who will prescribe you meds to help you stop binging. some meds can help with impulse control and appetite. it’s totally ok if you need prescriptions to help you out… there’s no shame in taking medicine!

list of international suicide hotlines

binge eating disorder association

national eating disorders association

eating disorder hope

national eating disorders hotline (1-800-931-2237)

national suicide prevention hotline (1-800-273-8255)

chat with a crisis counselor (Text 741-741)

ask me anything | my answered asks

if you’re in eating disorder recovery, you may find that you’ve started binging. relax, breathe, and go with the flow. i know that it’s not fun and it’s emotionally stressful, but your body is very smart and will do anything it takes to keep you alive. it needs nourishment. it needs fuel. and chances are, you need to gain some weight before you’re healthy. your body will know when it’s time to stop eating so much. right now it’s trying to get as much food as it can, because it doesn’t know when it’ll be starved again. when you reach a healthy weight/replenish nutrients you’ve been lacking, you will stop binging. trust me… i’ve been through it myself. it is not forever.

and if you’re in recovery, try to keep in mind how much your body is healing right now. (if you’re not recovering, you’re dying.) also, your metabolism is returning to normal- which is pretty cool!

binge eating is not your fault. it’s an actual disorder and that means that it’s an illness. you are not a failure or a loser, you are suffering and your pain is very real. what you’re going through is valid. you are such a badass for getting out of bed each day. 

i remember feeling so hopeless during the worst of my binge eating. i thought that it would never end and i would never stop gaining weight. i didn’t want to live anymore. fast forward six months later and i’ve never been happier. please stick around kiddo, cuz’ life really does get so much better. 

it doesn’t matter if you don’t think you’re sick enough. you deserve treatment, you deserve help and a beautiful life. you’ve got this! stay strong my lil warrior. ❤

reblog to send your mutuals a hug. maybe just the thought is enough to cheer them up 🥺

me: eating voluntarily

my brain: wow you truly are faking your ed