BEAUTIFUL

Discarded Letter

I think out of everyone and everything here, I'm the closest thing to looking "human", in some twisted way.

Catch me on my left side, you wouldn't think much. A short young man who looks drained, that's all. Sick, even.

Catch me on my right side and you wouldn't want to stick around. No one did, really.

It hurts. My teeth show through the gash and gore while my jaw is slightly slanted. My throat is a mess, inside and out. And my eyes...

I couldn't tell you where they were.

. . .

I've always been on the small side, there's no question about it.

I remember when I was little my mother would call me, "her little sparrow". Like I was weak. Helpless. But precious at the same time.

From the start, I wanted to prove her wrong.

And I think I did, honestly. But not without shame. Or guilt.

Or blood.

...

I remember how I was.

Witty, wistful, nostalgic and eager. Eager to help. Eager to prove what I was worth. Eager to look at the bright side.

What bright side?

I remembered when I went down hill.

I yelled at a friend who was only doing his job. He punched me afterwards. I hurt him with my sharp tongue and he hurt me with his fist.

I think a part of me wanted that. Wanted to be hit, to be hurt. As if maybe that could restore who I was.

Or could gain me a couple brain cells.

I remember how I would sneak off to the sewers, only to be met with welcome arms.

Even if I didn't always want them.

He was there to make me a cup of coffee when I needed it. To teach me melody and beats when I needed a change of subject. And to embrace me when I didn't know what to do.

I loved him more than my own father. And unlike my own father, he loved me back.

And then I pinned a knife to his throat. I asked if he trusted me, if we were friends.

I ruined it. I ruined his trust, I ruined our friendship.

He still loved me though.

I didn't deserve it though. It's not like I was actually his son.

...

I remember when she would comfort me, always treating me like she treated me when I was little. No matter how many temper tantrums I threw. No matter how many insults I spat. No matter when my heart beat had stopped.

She said she would share her heart beat with me. Her heart would beat for both of us.

Whenever I questioned her, she told me, "Because it's what older sisters do."

She said that a lot.

Even though it hurt that she wasn't really my older sister.

I guess she was just that kind.

And then, there was her.

Like the others, I didn't deserve her.

Not her humour, not her snappiness.

Not her kiss. Or her love.

But I wanted to deserve it. All of it.

His friendship.

His forgiving nature.

Her kindness.

And her heart.

I think I even wanted to deserve my father's pride or my mother's sweetness.

I mean, I don't think my father was ever proud of me.

Maybe because he just saw through me, even before I turned insane.

Maybe he was just that smart than everyone else from the beginning.

I got what I deserved though.

Blood, loneliness, wounds that never heal, headaches that never fade.

I'm finally as disfigured as my personality.

Happy Birthday, me. You did it.

Å̴̡̛̛̻͈̲̘̤͑̃̽̀̊̉͊̃̐͗͌̍͘͢͜͞n̴̸̸̢̨̛͍̞͉͖͙͎̝̬͓̤͖̘̪̮̿ͬ̏͊͂̋̽̔͐́ͦ̃ͤ̉̔͗̀̇̎̓̆ͅd͔̼̖̣̤̈́͌̈͋͛̆ͦ͑̋̓̀ͦ Ī̛̘͎̣͖̫̰͚̟͆͌͋̽͆̀͑͋̾̅͆͌̃͊̌̕͜'͓̝̭̅͆͛ͫ̚m̵̡̛̟̫̯̭̭̳̝̝̹̺̙̩͚̙̦̳̑͋͒̀̄̅ͫ͂͑ͤ́̀̎̈́̈͐̋̊ͤ̓̍ͦ̊̔͜͞ s̜̼̱̣̊̒̔̇ͨ̍͒͒͝o̸͖̹̰̦̩͓̭͙̠̖̬̐̋ͩ͒ͯ̆ͬ̓̇́̌̍ͪͪͧ̀͘͢͢͠͞ s̸̴̞͎̃́o̥͙̖͑̽ͨ̌͒r̷͇̻̺̦ͮ͌̅͑͆͊͋̑̑ͨ͝ͅ_̵̮̖̯̳̥͖̯̰̰̃̽̀ͨ̈́̋̒̏͆͊͒́͆͟͢͟͜͝r̹̻̽̑y.̷̗̺͈͌̄̀̈́̍̿͢͟

(For @thelocalmoth and for @creationandcalamityau who might so happen to recognise which characters are being mentioned ;) )

Hello! (again)

I found some stories that I forgot to post as well as some drawings!

I'm going to post one of the stories because exams CAN LEAVE ME ALONE FOR ONCE.

Just gotta check for spelling mistakes....

I couldn't just NOT draw a couple of Bendy doodles, guys.

Please love and cherish him <3

Give it up for Susie Campbell! An angel in the making!

(Her poses are wonky and her hand doesn't make sense..oh well)

Where's my face?

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't been posting my own stuff in some time and big apologies for those I'm rping with currently as I try to rb and rp, but I've been pretty busy.

Lately, I haven't been feeling great (mentally). I'll try to keep posting and don't worry I'll recover. Yeah, just not feeling great. I'm really sorry, please understand.

Also, remember how Hudson is my Sona for BATIM? The art that I draw for him usually expresses what I've been currently feeling. Just a fact I guess.

Happy Thanksgiving and if you don't celebrate that, happy Monday!

hmm seems like fun, is it alright to ask for two characters, can ask about Joey and Sammy disability head cannon (idk if I'm supposed to add the 🦾 emoji) I know they're neurodivergent /j I'm joking just interested in hearing how you head cannon them. anyways I'm going to go back to learning blender and freaking out about high poly models (scariest thing out there tbh).

In my AU,

Joey doesn't have a physical disability at first. He developed one later on due to Thomas's death ending in Joey having a bullet stuck in his leg.

Without having proper medical help or attention, he develops a limp later on due to damaged tendons in his right leg. Much later, he uses the ink to his advantage and stabs himself with needles full of ink, in attempts to fix his leg. (No idea what Joey's logic is here, but yeah.)

Joey also has a learning disability in mathematics (as well as a kind of phobia?). Either way, he struggles with numbers and heavily relies on Grant, even if he doesn't take him seriously. Things like taxes, make him increasingly stressed and frustrated (basically like most people. But he just doesn't know how to actually pay them. )

Sammy doesn't have any physical disabilities, but an anxiety disorder is considered a mental disability (at least where I live it is). Sammy (from my AU) also has anger issues, however that isn't considered a disability.

(Also....HUH? Poly models.....okay, I'm scared)

YOU ARE SO MEAN IM CRYING AT HOW SAD THIS IS WHAT THE HECK. ARGH, CASSIDY YOU ARE THE BEST AND THE SWEETEST.

DAMN YOU ROBERT YOU POOR INNOCENT PURE MAN.

Give him back

This story takes place five days after Clifford Conway disappears into the cycle. It follows Robert Conway, Clifford's older brother trying to find out what happened to him. Very sad stuff!

I need to find him. I need to find my brother. He doesn’t just disappear like this. He should’ve come home, it’s been five days now. Sure one day he might have been at Florence’s house or something, but five days? No one just disappears like that. 

I must find him. Someone has to know him, they gotta know where my baby brother went. I need to find him. 

Mom and dad called me, telling me they need me to bring their son home, and that’s what brothers do, we stick to our promises. I must find him. I need to know what happened to him. 

I refuse to believe he’s dead. He can’t be dead. Calling the cops does nothing in this situation, they will look for only a day or so and then give up. I don’t want to risk it. I know my brother better than they ever could. 

I got out of my car, faster than usual. I didn’t care at this point. I needed to find my brother. I pushed the heavy door to the Gent building open, looking around for anyone to talk to. 

Sure enough, Florence was there at her desk, she looked a bit sad. I didn’t blame her. She was fond of Clifford. 

“Florence!” I said her name as I approached her desk, slightly out of breath because I was in a rush. 

She looked up at me, her eyes were full of sadness, I knew she knew something happened to Clifford.

“Robert? What are you doing here?” She asked, her voice wasn’t cheerful like it usually was. 

“I need your help, I need to find Clifford. He’s missing.”

“Missing? Like actually missing?” She sounded surprised. 

“Yes! I need you to help me find him! You have to help me, Florence.” 

I looked at her with pleading eyes. 

“I can see what I can do. I can’t shake the feeling something bad happened to him. He hasn’t come into work in days.”

“Nor has he come home.” I replied, glancing over at the door briefly. 

“I can see if some of the workers know where he last was.”

I followed her, we went out into the back, the place was a lot different, something felt weird about the place. I don’t know what it was, I couldn’t shake the feeling of something creeping up my spine the entire time. 

Florence asked around, most employees shook their heads. None of them knew where he was. Some had no idea who he was either. 

I felt horrible. 

“I’ll be right back. I’m gonna ask some other employees around, come back tomorrow if I don’t come back sooner, alright?” Florence said. She held out her keycard. I decided to walk around. 

Perhaps he’d be working overtime or something? No that’s stupid. He would have to have came home. 

I wandered around the building, trying my best to ignore the strange looks I kept getting from other employees. I thought 

Then I thought I saw him in the hallway, his jet black hair just like it used to look, slightly messy and fluffy. He turned to face me, a blank expression.

“It’s too late.” was all he said before he vanished. I felt a chill run down my spine. What does that mean? This place is making me go crazy isn’t it?

I suddenly noticed a hard hat on the ground, ink was dripping from a pipe above. 

I grabbed the hard hat, flipping it over to find a picture of Clifford and I taped inside it. 

I looked around the area, the ink puddle on the floor, the tools scattered. Some of the ink looked like it was smeared across the floor. 

“No…no no no.” I muttered. I held the hard hat close to my chest. 

I had to go back, maybe I could find something at the front desk. I couldn’t stand in this room anymore. Something felt horribly wrong. Why was I seeing things? That ink…it was scaring me.

I got out of there with the hard hat. I had to leave this place. I don’t know why but I had to leave. My brother was gone, I couldn’t keep searching. It just lead me in circles. 

I returned to the entrance. On Florence’s desk, I noticed something. A note, it had Clifford’s number on it with a heart drawn beside it. I grabbed the note. I knew my brother wasn’t coming back.

I didn’t want to believe it was true, but it was. I gave up hope. I stared at the picture, running my thumb over Clifford’s face. 

“I’m so sorry, Cliff.” I muttered. I was suddenly startled by a man with a black coat walking in. He was well dressed, but something was weird about him. 

It was like I was looking at death itself almost. 

“Are you waiting for someone?” He asked. I shook my head.

“No. Do you know a man by the name of Clifford Conway? He’s my brother. He has been missing for five days. He worked here and was last seen here.”

The man shook his head. I didn’t know it at the time but this was no random man, it was Alan Gray, CEO of Gent. I hate him with a burning passion. 

He took my brother from me, I blame him for my brother’s disappearance. 

“No. I do not know a Clifford Conway. Have you checked with the secretary?” 

“I did. She went to go find some other employees to talk to. She said I could come back tomorrow if she wasn’t back soon.”

“I hope you find your brother.” The man replied. He didn’t sound concerned at all. I watched him walk away as if my brother’s disappearance was a common thing that happened to Gent employees. 

I clenched my jaw a little. I started walking towards the door, and then out to my car. Time just seemes to stop when you find out a loved one is gone. 

I don’t know how to describe the feeling. It’s like someone took part of you and never gave it back. 

I sat in my car, placing Clifford’s hard hat and the note in the back seat. I didn’t want to look at it. It hurt too much to do so. 

I looked out the window of the Gent building, the place gave me an uneasy feeling, I had never felt that feeling before when I went there to visit Clifford. 

Was I going mad? Is that why I kept seeing my brother everywhere? I don’t believe in ghosts, I am not superstitious either, but I remembered hearing that when a person you love dies that you are close to, sometimes you can hallucinate them being there. It probably is one of the many reasons why people believe in ghosts. 

I don’t know if that’s what I am experiencing but it scares me regardless. It feels like I am being haunted by something I could’ve prevented.

I started my car, hoping that maybe going for a drive would help. But when I turned around to back up, I saw Clifford in the backseat. He looked at me. 

I nearly jumped out of my skin. I rubbed my eyes and he was gone. That was probably the worst hallucination. 

I looked back at the back seat a few times. My heart was racing. I was panicking. I needed to drive, I need to call Cassidy. I needed to just get out of here. 

But I couldn’t move. I just broke down crying. I never felt like this before in my life. It was so scary. I was sad and panicking all at once. I knew it had to be a mental breakdown, but I never had one before so it was hard to tell. 

It was like a panic attack, but worse. 

I clutched the steering wheel tightly, trying to stop sobbing. Big brother’s don’t cry, we are supposed to be the tough ones, the strong ones who protect our siblings. But…I failed Clifford. 

I didn’t come to save him. Whatever happened to him, I will never know. I knew someone who would know this feeling, Cassidy. Her sister disappeared back in 46’. I don’t know what happened to her either. 

I knew I had to call her. It had started to rain, almost like the sky was crying with me.

I pulled out of the spot I parked, trying to focus as best I could on something other than my brother. I wiped the tears out of my eyes so I could see. 

Usually driving helped get my mind off of things, but I couldn’t stop thinking. My mind wouldn’t shut up. 

I was relived I reached the phone booth at last after driving for what felt like an eternity, however it was only a few minutes. 

I got out of my car, running into the phone booth so I didn’t get soaked. It’s not that I’d care, it’s just I need to get my emotions out.

Cassidy was always a good listener. She was a smart girl, unlike how some thought. Some thought she was just a boy crazy fool. But not my Cassie, she was much more than that. 

Maybe it was stupid of me to think about how much I loved her now, but I couldn’t help it. She made me feel better. 

I dialed her number, leaning against the wall of the booth, relieved when I heard her sweet voice on the other end.

“Hey, Cassie.” I said softly, I knew she could tell I had been crying by the sound of my voice. “A lot has happened. Do you mind if I tell you?”

“Of course. Robbie, are you okay? You sound like you’ve been crying.”

I went quiet, my heart ached in my chest. I took a deep breath, my breathing was far from steady. 

“My brother…he’s gone missing. I think something bad happened to him. I went to try and find him. I might come back tomorrow in case Florence, the secretary girl, knows anything new about his disappearance. I found his hard hat.” 

I heard Cassie gasp on the other end. 

“Oh my gosh! Robert! That’s horrible!”

“Cassie, please, don’t be upset. It’s going to be okay.” I don’t know why I was trying to comfort her, I just didn’t want her to be upset as I was. 

“Robbie, I know you don’t like me being upset, but I am! I loved your brother like family!” 

“I know you did…” I replied quietly. The rain seemed to be pouring down a lot harder now.

“Do you want to come over and talk to me about it? It might be easier.” 

“I’d love that.” I replied, feeling a sad smile on my lips. 

“I will be outside on the porch. Watching the rain is nice.” She replied, I could practically hear the smile in her voice. 

“I love you, Cassie.” 

I never told her that before. But I did love her, truly I did. I knew Clifford would’ve teased the hell out of me for saying that in a phone booth and not in person. 

She was quiet for a moment. I knew she had to process what I said.

“I love you, too, Robert. I really do!” 

“I know now isn’t really the best time to admit that, but I do.”

“Oh don’t feel bad about it. I don’t think Clifford would hate you for confessing your love after he’s gone. He’d be proud you finally said something.” 

I blinked back tears, swallowing my sorrows. 

“I should go. I’ll be there soon, alright?”

“Alright, I’ll see you soon, Robbie.” 

With that she hung up, I did the same. I felt hands shaking. So much happened. I got out of the phone booth, running back to my car. I got in, looking behind me to find only Clifford’s hard hat sitting there, along with the sticky note to Florence.

I was hesitant to start driving again. I didn’t know what to do. 

I eventually started driving again. I drove in silence, no radio on. I needed it to be quiet. The rain reminded me of the rainstorms my brother was afraid of when he was little. 

I’d always tell him to stop whining. I felt bad now for saying that. But I was just a kid too.

I reached Cassidy’s house. She was sitting alone on the porch. I got out of my car, running over to her. 

“I’m here!”

Cassidy smiled sympathetically. She hugged me, pulling me out of the rain. I just broke down crying in her arms. As much as I remained stoic and seemed tough, I wasn’t afraid to cry. It is part of being human. 

Cassidy put her arms around me, she held me tightly, nothing but pure love in her embrace. I felt slightly calmer with her. She understood exactly how I felt. 

“Oh Robert. It’s going to be okay.”

I let go of her, she wiped the tears from my eyes. 

“I don’t know what to do.”

Cassidy brushed her thumb across my cheek. 

“I know that feeling. When my sister died, I felt the same way. I was lost. You remember the nights I cried nonstop, right?”

I nodded slowly. 

“Of course. I felt so useless then. I couldn’t do anything to make you feel better.”

“I know. But you did so much for me. You took me out of the house, went on walks. It helped me not drown in sorrow.”

I was happy I helped, but still, I was too upset. 

“It’s okay to talk about your feelings. My mom always told me that. If you don’t open up you’ll just be sad all the time.”

She sat down on the dry step, staring out onto the street. I sat beside her. She put her hand on top of mine, I sighed heavily. It sounded nice to listen to the rain falling. 

“I just wonder if Charlie and Clifford’s deaths were connected. That ink stuff Charlie used to talk about was in the workshop too…” I said suddenly, I scraped my nails against the wood of the porch at the mention of the ink. It was for some reason scary to me. 

I was just ink. It was just ink. That’s what I had to keep telling myself. But something darker was happening under the surface.It had to be. 

“You might be onto something.” 

“But there is nothing we can do now…” I replied dimly.

“Oh but there is something we can do. We can remember them and let their memory live on.”

Cassidy squeezed my hand. I looked over at her slightly surprised. 

“I suppose you’re right. We can do that.”

She leaned against me more. I know this would not be easy to get over. I don’t think I’ll ever get over my brother. But Cassie and I understood each other, and we would stay alive for our siblings. 

It’s the least we can do.

BONUS BECAUSE I AM EVIL >:D

I hadn’t been able to go to sleep properly. Not tonight, my brain keeps thinking. But yet somehow I cannot tell if I fell asleep or not. It all feels the same. 

I had woken up, or maybe I didn’t. Everything felt like a dream at this point. Maybe that’s what it was. Maybe it was all a bad dream. 

I was back in my bed, it’s cold in the basement of my childhood home. 

There is a shadow at the end of the bed. Why is it staring at me? Why are its eyes yellow? Why does it look like him? 

“I’m so sorry, Clifford. I failed you.” I muttered into the dark. The shadow shook its head.

“No you didn’t. You didn’t fail me. Don’t blame yourself for my death.” 

I knew this wasn’t real. But it felt slightly better knowing I shouldn’t blame myself.

“This isn’t real, is it?” I asked. Clifford shook his head. 

“No. I’m not real. Can you promise me, if you ever have children, don’t let them work for Gent?”

I was going to ask why, but I didn’t.

“I won’t let them work there, I promise.”

“Good. Now wake up.” 

Sure enough after he told me to wake up, I did. I woke up in a cold sweat. 

I put my head in my hands and cried. Even if it was a dream, it felt somewhat real. 

It was some closure. 

Even if it wasn’t real. 

My children will never work for Gent. 

I will never forgive them for taking my brother from me. 

You’re art is also super cool! I really can’t wait to see more of your art! >:)

Thank you!! I'm still working on typing up my AU and once I do, I'll be taking drawing requests for that AU!

AHHHHH I LOVE THIS!!! IT'S SO CUTE!!! YAY, THANK YOU <3!!!

Your sona and my sona hanging out? :3

"running errands for the wife!" -BV

The price you paid.

The white static made it hard to see what was what.

 He could see his own  breath like a foggy mist while his feet and arms begged for him to stop crawling through the thick snow.  His nose caught in the smell of burnt metal and vulgar smoke. 

Warm blood poured down as his left eye squinted and winced. 

He touched his forehead only to see a warm sticky red trickle down his fingers. His head lolled to the side, before he regained his focus and continued to pull himself through the snow. 

 Hudson was already feeling lightheaded, but also felt  like the world was slightly slanted.

 Either way, it just didn’t feel right.

 “How long has it been since I left the site of the crash? Have I just been going in circles? Those trees look familiar,”  Thoughts creeped through his  mind as he was too weak to push them away. They ate his determination and hope like bugs, while only emptiness stayed.

 Everything hurts. My  mind feels like someone swung a hammer at my head, He thought. 

However, he thought about Felix, his co-pilot. Poor Felix waited at the site of the plane crash, his torso stuck under heavy metal and burnt steel. 

What makes it even worse, the whole plane ride, all Felix talked about was how excited he was for his and his fiancé's wedding. How they were going to have it at a large beautiful church. Inside the church would be decorated with white flower petals. How they ordered custom golden rings for each other made specifically in Belgium. How beautiful his fiancé would look in her wedding gown. 

Hudson’s stomach lurched at the thought of how Felix’s face twisted in pain when he tried to free his legs from under the wreckage. At how Felix had such calmness in his grey  eyes when he looked up at him. He trusts me. He respects me. 

The wind now sounded like a woman’s high pitch scream. Too much. It’s all just too much. His arms gave out and half of his  face became buried in snow. 

 He could see crimson seeping into the pure white. 

He tried to get up, but his arms gave out.

 He could barely feel the snow cushioning his face. He wanted to call out for help, but he stayed silent. He hardly knew  where he’d crashed. 

Calling out into unknown territory could lead to fatality.

 He wasn’t sure if any enemy officers were around and he didn't want to learn that the hard way. 

His  pale blue winter uniform is soaked. He should’ve worn his pilot suit all together, but due to the rush he was in he had little time to put it on.

 With all the strength Hudson mustered, he army crawled through the snow and pushed ahead. 

It was still bright outside, but he was worried that soon the sky would  be casted into a deep darkness.

 He noticed that the gash on his head was still bleeding heavily and  the tips of his fingers were making his body scream in pain. Shards of glass from a broken windshield embedded into skin. 

 Squinting his brown eyes, he could see that they were an ugly white at the tips of his fingers. 

Frostbite. 

He shivered as he could hear his teeth clattering against each other. 

He wearily looked up where he was faced with a black raven sitting on an overhanging branch. Its talons hooked the branch and its jet black feathers looked glossy in its white surroundings. It tilted its head at Hudson and squawked.

 Hudson heard a twig snap behind him, but he was too frozen to roll over and see. 

The raven squawked again and flapped its wings around frantically before it took off at the drop of a hat.

 It flew away and Hudson watched it in burning envy.

 Even the bird has places to be, He thought with bitterness. He was alone with his thoughts. 

His cold wretched thoughts. 

He glared ahead, before he rested his head on his arm, his legs feeling consumed by the cold. 

For all his life, he had just been debating, comparing and surviving. 

 Reality hit him hard and pulled him under. 

He would never have a chance to say those important words to Bill. 

His family was scattered from the war.

Some of his  friends were still yowling and fighting in the trenches, others fighting in the skies being shot at like birds, and more were dying in hospital beds, wounded beyond repair.

While only a rare few were stuck in New York, cheering him on.

Yet here he was: failing. 

All the letters he had gotten from Jack. All the sweet words from a kind man who had been never, but good to him, would mean nothing soon. The man who he looked up to…the man he had hoped to return the kindness…he would never see again. 

His heart lurched at that. 

And what about Charlie and Cassidy?

Charlie had seen him off when he was on leave. Her hug was powerful even when she cried. He remembered how she promised to write, promised to cheer him on and tell his story.

Cassidy on the other hand now had two kids and was married to Robert. Happy and blessed. 

He was so proud of her and happy.

He was an uncle.

Was.

But his thoughts turned to a different direction. 

He wouldn’t even get discharged honorably, gaining peaceful retirement. Or even recognition for his hard work. 

His body might be lost.

As well as his name in the archives. 

People would forget him.

The cold had reached to his torso now, gripping tightly around his organs while his rib cage was too feeble to protect.  

The bruises and cuts were starting to get to him as the pain he had repressed was now pulsing through him. He could feel the shards of glass poking at tissue and muscle, some even drilling deeper. 

His eyes watered, blurring his vision. His chest felt heavy and his lungs clinging onto his unstable breathing.

 Hudsons head rolled off his arm and was now laid dipped in the snow. 

He glared up at the grey sky with a blurred vision. 

Blood pooled the ground below him while the cold was now to his shoulders, biting through his uniform as it began to stab through his skin. Before numbing it. 

The world slowly grew dark in Hudson's half-lidded eyes. The pilot's breathing grew shallow and slow.

He coughed, tasting blood and bitter soot. 

“I’m sorry,” he rasped, water streamed down his bloodied and soot tainted face. 

“I tried. I really did.” 

“But I can’t get up.” 

Blood, soot, cold, glass, smoke and screams.

Oh such wonderful things.