Yk How Mr. Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne Misplaced His Spleen.

Jack: If someone is mean to you, you have to fight back, bud. You're a Drake, which means you're as tough as a dragon.

Baby Tim: Rawr.

Jack, holding back tears: Fuck, I'm such a good dad.

Janet: You have to be subtle with your insults. You must not be crude, nor weak. Understood, darling?

Baby Tim: So I can't say Daddy is dumb?

Janet: Exactly. You can offer to help him though. God knows that man needs it.

Brucie Wayne: Hi Janet, Jack! Oh, who's this little guy?

Baby Tim, staring into his soul: I saw pictures of you kissing Mommy and Daddy.

Brucie:

Janet:

Jack: That's because I'm a real catch, Timmy boy. Everyone wants a piece of me. I'm sure you'll be a heartbreaker just like me when you grow up.

Janet: Hun, shut up.

Baby Tim at a gala: OH MY GOD MOMMY ITS DICK!

Janet: Timothy! Where on earth did you get such crude language? No, stop it, no running-

Baby Tim: FLIPPY DICKIE!

Freshly adopted Dick Grayson after being bowled over by a toddler: Alfred did NOT go over this in his etiquette lessons.

To me biblically accurate Jondami is them constantly insulting each other and arguing/fighting but it's also painfully obvious to everyone around them how in love they are.

Let’s start it off strong:

Hallucination Jason… or at least they think he is?? Basically, fics where Jason pretends to be a hallucination because a) he’s a wacky little guy or b) ANGST ANGST ANGST AGHHHH

what you’re longing for (you claim to abhor) by Ghxst_Bird (52k, 12 chapters)

“the not-actual-hallucination Jason Todd tries the less hands on approach to getting revenge. It ends up backfiring spectacularly.

aka. the non traditional way to (reluctantly) reintegrate into the family after being dead, coming back to life, and becoming a crime lord, Jason "Red Hood" Todd edition”

Great fic!! Really enjoyed it, lots of suspense and secret identity fun. On the longer side for these types of fic and still very enjoyable

miss me? by envysparkler (6k)

“Jason’s plan to observe his family’s reactions to his resurrection…does not go as intended.”

Pretty much the epitome of this type of fic. Definitely worth the read, Jason is terrible at pretending to not be concerned about his family’s mental health 😭

i’m not crazy, i’m just seeing things by envysparkler (2.9k)

“Dick knows it’s going to be a bad day when he comes home to his little brother standing in his apartment.”

Another one by the same author- this time from Dick’s POV! I really enjoyed the switch as I don’t see it too often.

his worthless savior by destiny919 (2.4k)

“It makes the victims fixate on whoever they most want to save them from the nightmarish hallucinations still caused by this toxin, the GCPD report - corroborated by Batman - had said.”

Jason and Tim!! I mean he’s.. sort of apart of a hallucination? In which: Red Hood vs. The Adoption Instinct

BONUS:

birdsong by ScarlettSwordMoon (22.7k)

After getting a face full of Scarecrow’s newest toxin, Dick isn’t haunted by his typical nightmares. No. This one has little green pixie boots. AKA Batman: Ego but make it Robin.

SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP. This one isn’t Jason-Centric at all, but oh my god it is so good + features hallucination Robins so I just had to include it. Amazing analysis of the mantle of Robin. One of the best Dick-centric one shots out there, 100%. Go read it right now I promise it’s worth it!!

Damian Wayne gets caught by the press while sneaking away and hanging out in civilian clothing with Red Hood and Bruce finding out they know each other isn’t even his biggest problem. his biggest problem is that the interviewer asked what his connection is to the crime lord and why they have on camera the guy calling Damian ‘habibi’, and, panicking about whether or not Bruce seeing this interview could leak Jason’s identity, to throw him off the trail Damian said that Red Hood is his parent.

Interviewer: wait. but… i thought that Bruce Wayne was your biological father?

Damian, panicking even more because both Jason and Bruce would kill him if people thought that Brucie Wayne was the Red Hood’s identity: what, don’t you support trans people? Hood was my mother.

Jason only finds out what Damian did when after a week of confusedly nodding at the trans pride pins people kept wearing and pointing out to him on the street, and Damian refusing to look him in the eye, Nightwing shows up during patrol crying laughing about how Bruce Wayne got asked during a gala about his secret affair with a crime lord and held his champagne glass so tightly it exploded in his hands.

Bruce, on the other hand, got sent the interview clip by Tim halfway through breakfast, whereupon hearing the audio start Damian climbed out the nearest window to get away. after a slightly paranoid text to Talia about whether or not she was in Gotham wearing a face covering helmet every night, be proceeds to freak the fuck out. he has no idea who the Red Hood is, or how Damian knows him. He also has no clue that Red Hood knows HIS identity, and fully plans on showing up to Wayne events in the helmet to antagonise Bruce by stealing food and demanding they talk about the ‘custody arrangements’ of their son. all he knows is that Damian broke a window in his haste to Not Explain Anything, and that Dick and Tim are wheezing hysterically on the other side of the house.

time travel fanfic idea where Jason comes back to before he was adopted, him and Batman still meet and he still ends up being adopted by Bruce Wayne, but he just refuses to acknowledge Batman and Robin, he acts like a civilian boy, he has over thirteen extracurriculars that Bruce does his best to keep up with. He regularly works out and trains all the fighting he's learned over the years, he goes on a gap year before college to recuperate the all blades and pretends to be the civilian in a family of crime fighting vigilantes.

He's doing pre-med and keeps nagging his siblings to go to college too (Cass, Tim), Duke is the one who spends more time with him bc everyone else is nocturnal and sleep through the day, but Jason likes to drive Duke to his classes and pick him up so they can have lunch together, Damian had a hard time at first, because Jason speaks every language that he speaks and all bat related things have to stay at the cave, his league training didn't prepare him for a civilian brother.

During an attempted kidnapping during one of the Wayne galas, Jason's whole plan almost gets blow up because one of the guys has taken a woman hostage and his Red Hood fried brain just pounced on the dude with all his might, wrestled him for the gun and kept him stuck under his boot with the gun pointed between the guys brows.

He had to pretend to be scared when Batman came to the rescue and act like he didn't know how to handle a gun.

+ Alfred 100% thinks Jason was on a children gang and that's why he's so good with knives, guns and rifles, but who's he to say anything about people's past

Bruce dropped out of medical school and as much as he tries to hide it, his kids all find out. Ofcourse they never let him live it down after that

Dick: Hey I'm dropping out of Gotham University

Bruce: What? You're quitting college halfway?! Unacceptable, you cannot just give up on your engineering degree-

Dick: I did not just hear the failed doctor say that

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce, fuming: You left my side tonight to go and gallivant around with harley quinn? A villain?

Steph: So what if she's a villain, Bruce? Atleast the villain has a doctorate.

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce, bandaging Duke's wound because Alfred was busy: There, all done

Duke: Woah, didn't expect that from a college dropout

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Stop ignoring my orders in the field! You need to listen, I have more experience-

Jason, as red hood, with his english degrees: Which one of us actually has a degree?

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim: So I'm dropping out of high school

Bruce: You too?! First Dick and now you?!

Tim: No, first it was you, then Dick, and now me

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Damian, your recent report card indicates you're falling behind in Biology

Damian: Tt. Must run in the family, then.

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emo 21-year-old Bruce: You're not my father, Alfred!

Alfred: Quite right. I have a medical degree, and you don't.

Bruce:

can’t get these idiots out of my head

Let Damian make anime references while his out fighting, let the kid be cringe, I think it's deserved