(insp.)

WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN DEMONS | KAZ BREKKER

Fandom: Shadow and Bone

Summary: Y/N is Pekka Rollins's estranged daughter, and finds help from a surprising party to get rid of her father. @misssociopath

Characters: Kaz Brekker, Y/N Rollins (female), Pekka Rollins, Inej Ghafa, Jesper Fahey, Nina Zenik, Matthias Helvar, also Wylan Van Eck even though I haven't read the actual books yet.

A/N: Seriously, I was so excited about this request and later, because of things, I thought I wouldn't be able to write this after all but I did it!! This request was amazing and gonna be honest, this fricking deserves to be a whole ass series... and I just might to make one inspired by this request but meanwhile, have a mini version. I hope you like it!

Warnings: mentions of death, murder, violence, toxic parent relationship, mentions of trauma, a bit of angst and stuff, what would you expect after reading the summary :D

Word count: 4.2k :)))

WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN DEMONS | KAZ BREKKER

Your feet tingled from the cold as you splashed through the many puddles of the Barrel’s narrow streets. You walked so quickly that you almost ran, not wanting to give yourself time to think. You had to do something to stop your father from terrorizing Ketterdam.

In any other scenario, a pretty girl like you hurrying through the streets of the Barrel like that would make an instant sitting duck out of her. But you weren’t just any pretty girl.

You were Y/N Rollins. And despite not being in good terms with the monster you had the displeasure to call your father, nobody would dare to even whistle after you in fear of him. If someone tried, their friends would be quick to shut the poor bastard down. Not that you complained.

Those dimly lit streets of Ketterdam were a sight you had been familiar with ever since you were a little girl. At first, your father had had the intentions to raise you to be the next leader of the Dime Lions, but no matter how much he had tried to brainwash you into believing that violence and cruelty is the only way to thrive, you had decided otherwise. You saw the people where he saw kruge. You saw souls, innocent souls who fell to Pekka’s ploys. One of the cases that had been carved in your mind, you remembered the two boys, the older brother being so sure that Pekka would make him rich and his little brother just blindly following along. They were just kids. Naive and innocent, your father wrapped them into his web so easily. Children were his favorite target, because they were so easily manipulated.

You remembered how had to play a servant girl, distraction to the younger brother, and you had to call your father “Mr. Hertzoon”. Your father had claimed that it’s a game and that they’re just playing along. But soon your father had fooled all their money and left them to the streets. You didn’t understand exactly what had happened then, but after hearing they had died from the Plague, it was a waking up call. Because of those two brothers, you realized what kind of man your father really was.

At twelve, you had started to warn his newest targets, help them escape your father’s grip. Most didn’t believe you, but you got some out. It took him several years to realize why some of his targets were fleeing, but when he realized it’s you, he had beaten you up and disowned you, left you to the streets as he had left so many before you. Pekka never spoke about you again, but as the people of the Barrel knew who you were, you had never once been harassed or robbed. People were too scared of your father. He hadn’t advertised your betrayal as it would have affected his reputation negatively, but you saw how his grip on Ketterdam was tightening in a quick pace and you realized you had to do something.

You had heard about Kaz Brekker, who had a war going on with your father. You didn’t know what Pekka had done, why this Brekker despised him so much and your father was just as oblivious about that. He sometimes wondered about it aloud, sure different gangs were always competing with each other, trying to get the most territory, but this Kaz Brekker looked at Pekka with so much anger and despise that it wasn’t just a regular intimidation technique between gangs. It was like he actually held some personal grudge against your father, but your father said he had never even heard about anyone called Kaz Brekker before him.

But Kaz Brekker was your best bet against your father. You wouldn’t be able to take him down on your own, so now you were on your way to the Crow Club, silently praying to the Saints that they would believe you and not shoot you on sight.

A bulky doorman and his slightly thinner, but still muscular partner blocked your way to the Crow Club. You were soaked in rain, shivering from cold and your body begged you to get somewhere inside, but you had decided to get to the Crow Club, even with force if needed.

You knew it was a stupidly lucky shot, but you just marched up to them and told them about your business - you wanted to speak with Kaz Brekker.

"And why would Y/N Rollins want to speak to a man who is planning to kill her father?" the man scoffed, clearly thinking it was just a trick. You glared at him.

"I'm here to make a deal, I'm not here to answer to you." you answered and the doorman huffed, crossing his arms before leaning towards his partner.

"Get the boss."

You shifted on your feet, suddenly nervous. You had no idea what your father had done to Kaz Brekker to make him hate him so much, but he was your best bet. You knew it was something bad, because you had seen him kill a child in front of their mother to punish her for betraying him and even worse stuff which you'd rather forget. You wanted him gone almost just as much as Kaz Brekker did, you couldn't let a monster like him to have control over the city.

You heard a cane thumping against the floorboard, nearing the door, and you straightened up quickly. The second doorman peeked through the door carefully before stepping to the side, and Kaz Brekker came to view, eyeing you up and down as he placed his cane in front of him, clutching it with both hands.

"What is your business here?" he asked, and you swallowed. Suddenly it was so much harder to speak to him, suddenly you were fearing that you wouldn't feel believable enough, you had never said it aloud that you wanted your father dead. But you had to say it, or they would turn you away.

"I want Pekka Rollins dead." you stated as loudly and clearly as you could, and Kaz cocked his eyebrow.

"And you assume I would just believe you when you say you want your father dead?"

You cast your eyes to the ground. "I can't do it alone. And you're the only one with skills and motivation to do it."

Brekker looked at you, probably seeking out for hints that you were lying. But apparently he didn’t find any, so he nodded at his doormen and turned around, silently signaling you to follow him.

The Club went deadly silent the moment you stepped inside. Everyone knew who you were, and you noticed some peering at the door. If your father would step inside with the Dime Lions, it could trigger a shooting scene. But it was just you, in your soaked clothes and wet hair, still shivering slightly. If you were anyone else, someone might offer you their jacket for warmth, but being a Rollins meant that people were afraid of you too. They were just assuming that you were just like your father, if not even crazier, incredibly ruthless and purely vile and evil, that you would have grown up to be his top torturer who keeps her victims alive for weeks before killing them. Referred to as “Blood Princess”. Their assumptions were that you would be like that, more or less, that Kaz Brekker would be a cute little puppy licking their face compared to you. Nobody ever knew that you were nothing like your father, not even anything like Brekker was, but that was understandable. You had never told those people you had rescued from Pekka who you were, just in case. You didn’t want a reputation as a savior, you much preferred to stay in the shadows.

Before long, your body started thanking you for getting inside, and now you were on your way to discuss about the fate of your father. Thoughts were circling in your head all the way to his office. Would Kaz Brekker believe you? What if he would try and use you as a bait, or if he thought it’s a trick and imprisoned you, or killed you? You had seen how he looked at your father before too, there was definitely something personal involved.

Soon you were in his office, and Brekker locked the door behind you, turning his back on your for just a moment, but you knew he was watching you with his senses, he would know if you tried to attack him from behind. You felt the tension in the air. He turned again, walking to his desk and sitting down, gesturing to the chair and glancing at you, before he browsed through some of his papers and pushing them aside. You sat down slowly, as if to fear that the chair would kill you when you sat down. The tension was so thick that you were sure that Brekker was considering to kill you right now.

And to be honest, Kaz kind of wanted to kill you. Seeing you, knowing you existed because of a man who killed Jordie and him… the thought alone made him want to throw you against the wall and bash your head in with his cane. But the only reason he had decided to take you in and talk with you, was because he saw sincerity in your eyes and heard a glint of despise in your voice when you told him that you wanted Pekka dead, the same kind of despise what he felt, even if it was much weaker. And with your help, he might finally have a way to strike the man from his nightmares down for good.

And you didn’t even look like your father, fortunately. You looked more like your mother. Kaz could look at you without seeing that man throwing him and Jordie out, getting flashbacks of Jordie getting sick, seeing his dead body, feeling water, feeling rotten flesh under his hands. He didn’t feel any of it, he felt like he was looking at any young woman sitting in front of him who wanted to strike a deal. A deal to take Pekka down. He just had to push the thought of you actually being Pekka’s daughter out of his mind.

You cleared your throat awkwardly and Kaz realized he had been staring. He fixed his composure on that instant, and narrowed his eyes at you before he spoke.

“You want me to help you to take Pekka Rollins down.” he repeated your request from earlier. You nodded. Kaz could see that you were strained, he could see you hadn’t ever even dipped your hands in blood like this. You were nervous, but not in a way that would have made Kaz think it’s a trap. You seemed to be afraid of saying it aloud, that you wanted someone dead. You were quite different from all those horror stories people had told about you, that you’d be a “Blood Princess” who Pekka uses with extreme cases of torture. But as you sat there, Kaz noticed that those stories were far from the truth.

It seemed like you wanted Pekka dead for the safety of other people, not because of your own anger and despise you held for him. Anywhere else, it would be a twisted way of kindness, but it felt like an act of a Saint here at the Barrel. You could be the Blood Princess everyone spoke about, you could as well stab Pekka on the throat while laughing like a maniac but instead, you had come to him to seek for help. You didn’t have guts to do it yourself, much less skills and stealth, but you were innocent, your hands hadn’t been stained by blood yet. You felt so many deaths pressing on you, but you had never purposefully helped Pekka to fool anyone. All your childhood, it had been a game. Just a fun game where you got to play a servant girl. And after realizing what had been happening, you had started to try and warn people of Pekka.

“Why should I trust you?” Kaz questioned and you took in a breath. You had practiced this conversation over and over on your way here, knowing that the question would come in some form. But now you felt like you had forgotten everything you had wanted to say.

“Pekka is a bad man. Even here at the Barrel. He’s… he has fooled money from the poor, even from the children.” you swallowed, a picture of those two brothers flew past your mind again. “I realized what was happening when I was almost 11. Pekka threw two children out after fooling their money from them. I remember them, two brothers, I had to pretend to be a servant girl, I played with the younger brother who was around my age and could have befriended him…” your voice caught in your throat, and Kaz frowned. “I saw them almost every day while at town, begging for food. Pekka never let me go to them and say hi. Then they just disappeared, and I heard later that they had died from The Queen’s Plague. I don’t even know what their names are, just nameless children dying and for what? It’s on my father, he killed those two boys. That’s what woke me up all those years ago.”

Kaz’s mind flashed with a picture of a servant girl playing puzzles with him. She didn’t talk much, but she seemed to enjoy his company. They haven’t even introduced themselves to each other, but they didn’t need names to come along. His frown deepened, but he chose not to say anything. It was better if you thought that he was dead. And he was dead in his own way.

Kaz wanted to believe you. And he did believe you. But he wasn’t sure if he would just be able to push the thought of you being Pekka’s daughter aside, he didn’t like to have a Rollins in his ranks. Even when he saw that you were being sincere and you really wanted your father dead. There had to be some heavy reasons for that to happen, more than just him and Jordie.

“I have to think about it.” Kaz finally decided and cast his eyes to his papers. You nodded, knowing to expect that he wouldn’t just take your help just like that. You kind of wanted to ask him why he hated Pekka so much, maybe you could even bond over his reasons, but you decided to keep your mouth shut. You couldn’t risk poking the beehive now when you had walked past it almost undisturbed. But you saw it in his eyes when you talked about Pekka, it was something painful for him. Something he had buried away and tried to prevent it from shining through, but you knew people well enough to see it clear as day. You stood up from the table, prepared to leave and wait to hear his decision.

“I’m staying at-”

“You’ll be staying at the Slat until I make my decision. Under our supervision.” Kaz interrupted you.

Ah. You sighed and nodded your head. “Of course. Will someone accompany me when I go and cancel my reservation? I’m- I was staying at Smoking Falcon.”

Kaz took in a deep breath and made his way to the door, and you followed him. He stopped by one of the Dregs. You felt a churn in your stomach, he was just a boy, and your father would have made a boy of that age kill someone already, but this boy didn’t have that tormented, dark look on their face. You could see that he hadn’t killed anyone, one reason more why Kaz was better than Pekka. Every moment you felt more and more like you made a right choice by taking the risk. Now you could just hope it would carry itself over and Kaz would agree to trust you even that little bit.

“Go to the Smoking Falcon and tell them that Y/N Rollins’s reservation is cancelled.” Kaz’s voice snapped you out from your thoughts, and the boy took the parchment Kaz handed to him and then he glanced at you with a swallow. You tried to reply with a kind smile which only seemed to terrify him. The boy ran off, and Kaz let out a huff.

“He thinks you’re the Blood Princess. Smiling makes them think that you’re ready to rip throats out, I wouldn’t bother.” he told you. You nodded and sat down on the barstool.

“I knew to expect that.” you answered and looked around the club. “I hope that with time, I’ll be able to prove to everyone that I’m not my father.”

There was a brief silence between you two, but you were glad to see that people at the club had stopped staring and had continued with their conversations and gambling tables.

“I hope you know I’m not a good man either.” Kaz suddenly said, and you turned to look at him.

“I know. There are no people who are entirely pure in the Barrel. You gotta do what you gotta do to survive.” you answered, and your gaze wandered around the club once more before you turned it to your lap.

“Boss-” you heard someone say and looked up again, seeing a Zemeni man stopping in his tracks to stare at you, lifting his arm up and causing a red-headed man collide with him.

“What?” Kaz asked, and the Zemeni blinked.

“...I just heard that Y/N Rollins is seen around here, but I see she’s with you.” he muttered and looked at you like you had just grown a tentacle on your forehead. Then he moved closer to his boss and muttered, “Kaz, what are you doing? She’s Pekka’s daughter.”

You kind of wanted to express how you can hear him, but you kept quiet.

“I’m not stupid. I’m fully aware of that.” Kaz told him back, not keeping his voice down and the guy looked at Kaz like he’s crazy. His gaze jumped between you and Kaz, before he backed down and left the scene with the other young man. Kaz rolled his eyes, and the errand boy came back, telling Kaz that your reservation had been cancelled.

“I’ll escort you to the Slat.” Kaz then told you and you silently followed him out from the Club.

---

The room was small and it didn’t have windows and the oil lamp was broken, but you didn’t expect anything grand and cool. A place to sleep in was more than enough, and the bed was comfortable too, at least more comfortable than in Smoking Falcon. You were confident your back would never forgive you for these past months you had to sleep on that “bed”.

Kaz had told you that he expects you not leaving your room before morning, and that you had everything you needed to survive until the morning. And that was true, you had a small bathroom and tap water. You were slightly hungry, but that would have been too much to ask at least for now. You had quickly familiarized yourself of the layout of the room so you wouldn’t stumble in the middle of the night, and now you were comfortably under the covers, and let yourself to fall into dreamless sleep.

---

The next morning, Kaz had informed you that he accepts your proposition and you started planning out how you would take Pekka down. It was a little bit awkward at first, you being his greatest enemy’s daughter. You sensed it from him, the despise, the hate. But as months went on, it faded. Sometimes you even joked during sitting together at his office. And as months went by, the “Blood Princess” faded away. People started to like you. Especially Jesper, Inej and Nina spent a lot of time with you. Jesper had protected his boyfriend Wylan from you a lot at first, apparently thinking you would hurt him, but soon he couldn’t help but befriend you too. Matthias was the toughest nut to crack, but Nina assured you that he’s just stubborn. You felt like you had a family there.

You were the only one who could talk back to Kaz if he said something hurtful. He listened to all his Crows’s opinions, but he listened to you differently. You didn’t notice it, but Nina started saying that Kaz likes you and implied that you’d like him too. You snorted the thought away. But all the other Crows seemed to agree and that made you think.

Were you really falling for Dirtyhands?

Another two months passed, and the Crow Club had gone silent earlier that day since Nina had announced that she’s holding a big waffle party, and that left just you and Kaz sitting by yourselves. You two were conveniently the only ones not invited, and judging by Nina’s smirk, she had done it by purpose. That sneaky little hopeless romantic.

So now you were at the bar with drinks in hand, just sitting in silence. And you didn’t know why you wanted to ask it, but you did. Your level of trust had reached a level that you dared to ask it.

“Kaz, I have wanted to ask this since the beginning. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” you bit your lip, and Kaz turned his gaze to you, silently asking you to continue. “What is it between you and Pekka?”

Kaz stiffened up, and for a moment there you thought he doesn’t want to answer. You muttered a “I’m sorry” and a long silence ensued between you two.

“We have met before. You and I.” Kaz finally sighed, and your head snapped at him.

“What?”

“You mentioned that you remember two brothers who Pekka took as his victims. That they were your wakeup call.” Kaz began, and you nodded slowly. Kaz took a deep breath in. “I was the younger brother.”

Your eyes widened, and you were silent for a while. Then you uttered out, “But… I thought that you and your brother died.”

Kaz stared into the nothingness, not saying anything for a few seconds. “We did.” he then muttered.

You frowned. “I don’t understand.”

“I died and rose from the ashes. Jordie… was left for the sea.” Kaz sighed again. “And your father is responsible for his death. And one day I wish to have revenge on Pekka, for Jordie. But I’m not sure if anything will ever make it right. If anything is bad enough for what he did to me. I’m not sure if I can ever get away from my demons.”

Your heart raced. You had thought of those two boys for years, somehow they had just struck into your mind. Usually Pekka attacked the overly confident, grown men. Sometimes foolish couples in love who dreamed of moving away from Kerch and buying a nice mansion in Ravka. But along with Jordie and Kaz, not children. Not defenseless, naive children who barely had skills to survive in the world on their own. You had thought that even he wouldn’t have guts to do that, and yet he did and used you as his little helper.

You saw the pain in Kaz’s eyes even when he tried to hide it. You had seen it from the start, but now he had opened up and the pain was even more prominent. You wanted to hold his hand, to tell him that you’re proud of him and that Jordie would be happy that he survived, even if he didn’t think so. He saw himself as a monster now. Kaz Rietveld would have been terrified of him. But you saw he was still redeemable. You had to do bad things to survive in the Barrel, especially if you ran a crime organization, but he was capable of love. You wanted to hold his hand and tell him that, you wanted to make him feel how much he meant to you already.

“You’ll get to avenge Jordie. I promise.” you said, your voice breaking slightly. Kaz’s eyes softened at the crack of your voice just for a second. “And Kaz… we all have our own demons.” you told him, and he gazed deep into your eyes before nodding slightly and turned back to his drink.

And that’s when you knew it - you had fallen in love with him. You knew he probably wouldn’t feel the same way, at least not being ready for such feelings, but the other Crows saw it immediately. He was in love with you too, even if he hadn’t admitted it to himself yet.

And one day, you’d get back to Pekka. Together.

---

Okay it kinda felt like I hurried the ending but I didn’t really know what else to put in there tbh and I was afraid this was getting too long (because nowadays Tumblr doesn't let us make awfully long posts) :D Feedback is always appreciated and any comments make me 100x happier than “just” likes or follows!! If you want to be anon, you can also send in an ask ^^

Also speaking of reblogs: reblogs and feedback/comments are more important than just likes, just another reminder :) Tumblr has been built on sharing and its algorithm doesn't work properly from likes. Especially if you're on my taglist, I would appreciate if you commented on or reblogged my works even once in a while, a lot of you just leave likes but nothing else.

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voidranboo

3 years ago