He's Hiding From Me. Invisible On Discord. Only Replying To What He Wants To. I Hope He Doesn't Feel

Came home from work in such a dog mindset and I had one single drink and it made it so much more intensified… then I sat on the floor and he petted my head… then he gave me belly rubs… then scratched… then kissed… then spat in my mouth… then choked me… then gave me scars… then punched me… basically I got (consensually) abused and I loved it and took it like a boss. (All I actively did was lay down and follow orders (up, roll over, down…..) … maaajor need 2 live like this forever)

He's spending time with that guy again. It's not fair. No wonder he's not talking to me. Too busy making sure I'm alone and that I know that he's replacing me.

I feel so fucking empty and shit. Told him I was anxious and scared and he told me I was OK, I then fucking said I wasn't and told him to go to sleep. Then he went offline. I've spent the last hour crying and shaking and trying to make myself feel something but nothings working. I'm so good at communicating usually. I don't get to the point where I ignore my feelings because I'm able to talk through them before I get to that point. What fucking changed. Why am I getting worse like this. It's not ok it's not ok.

the only way to cure me is decapitation

He had the audacity to tell me that he'd be speaking to the American friend when they were online. No, you're not. You're coming here to spend time with me. I don't have anybody else like you do. I don't have someone to turn to when you're not around, when you don't want me, I don't have someone I can call my "partner". You're pulling me to shreds.

It's not fair that you can just have someone else so easily. I'm trying to find other people, other friends, but none of them are like you, nobody's the same, similar. I can't trust them like I trust you, and even then, I don't know WHY I trust you after being hurt by you like this. Maybe it's because I have just enough rationality to recognise that I'm the problem. But something inside me is prying, telling me that I'm not the problem, that you should be treating me so carefully, like I'm glass that's about to shatter, that you should know how fragile I am. I don't know anymore.

You have no idea i can't live without you. You have no idea my whole world revolves around you. Being around you fixes everything. Wish I could be around you all the time so I wouldn't have to pretend.

It's fine though. I'll just revoke his data access. And keep him occupied. Then he'll have no choice.

We r drinking and having a good time and he's soured it by telling me that his American friend was sending him posts. I'm going to crash out istg.

It happened. He fell asleep on call with "American friend". How could I have guessed that would happen. I'm going to bed.

Things r so good so far this week.. waiting for the inevitable fracturing. Though, if that can happen AFTER next week once he's visited me (a SUPER recent development. I'm so excited.), I'd be very grateful. World, hear my plea.

He acts like he wants to be around me and then decides he's going to sit on twitter and between shit when he knows I have notifications on. Do you want to be my friend or not.