It Happened. He Fell Asleep On Call With "American Friend". How Could I Have Guessed That Would Happen.

You have no idea i can't live without you. You have no idea my whole world revolves around you. Being around you fixes everything. Wish I could be around you all the time so I wouldn't have to pretend.

everything i touch, i burn. i’m so tired of feeling this way. i hurt people then i hurt myself. i don’t want this pain. i want it to all stop.

I’d rather see you dead than with someone else.

I’m trying so hard not to feel this way, to hate him, to feel resentment. But it’s so hard when all he does is talk about that friend. Idk if I’m hurting because it’s so easy for him to make close connections with people, or if I’m hurting because the guy I need to be around 24/7 doesn’t want to be with me 24/7.

I need more friends. I wish it was easy for me to meet and talk to people. To be close to others.

When I say I want to be treated as subhuman, I mean it. I want to be told when to fall asleep, be woken up 'rudely', to spend the day doing whatever you tell me, and if I get it wrong, you push me to the floor and kick me and ask me how long it'll take until the order penetrates my thick fucking dumb head. I want to be commanded within every inch of my life and serve you until I drop dead.

I want this 24/7/365. I just wish somebody would ask me to fill that role for them.

You sound like such a good dog. Sorry your FP takes so long coming home. Hope they treat you well soon.

Thank u :( barking at u affectionately.

He had the audacity to tell me that he'd be speaking to the American friend when they were online. No, you're not. You're coming here to spend time with me. I don't have anybody else like you do. I don't have someone to turn to when you're not around, when you don't want me, I don't have someone I can call my "partner". You're pulling me to shreds.

It's not fair that you can just have someone else so easily. I'm trying to find other people, other friends, but none of them are like you, nobody's the same, similar. I can't trust them like I trust you, and even then, I don't know WHY I trust you after being hurt by you like this. Maybe it's because I have just enough rationality to recognise that I'm the problem. But something inside me is prying, telling me that I'm not the problem, that you should be treating me so carefully, like I'm glass that's about to shatter, that you should know how fragile I am. I don't know anymore.

Hello tumblr.

Goodnight tumblr.

Slightly glad I don't have any internet connection in the complex whilst on holiday cuz now I don't have to deal with it if he decides not to message me.

So scared of myself that I've chained myself to the bedpost out of reach of anything that could harm me.