Crazy To Me That I Don't Allow Myself To Be Happy (without Actively Trying) Because I'm Not Supposed

I feel so fucking empty and shit. Told him I was anxious and scared and he told me I was OK, I then fucking said I wasn't and told him to go to sleep. Then he went offline. I've spent the last hour crying and shaking and trying to make myself feel something but nothings working. I'm so good at communicating usually. I don't get to the point where I ignore my feelings because I'm able to talk through them before I get to that point. What fucking changed. Why am I getting worse like this. It's not ok it's not ok.

He acts like he wants to be around me and then decides he's going to sit on twitter and between shit when he knows I have notifications on. Do you want to be my friend or not.

Why am I so anxious. He called me good boy after I joined him, then I went to go wash up before bed, and every few seconds I got pangs through my body like I could sense he was saying stuff. Obviously he wasn't. But my head kept saying things like "come back, puppy" "You're not making owner very happy" "very disobedient. You don't want me, do you?" and I had to physically hold myself from getting my phone to check if he was messaging me. I got really scared. I don't like being like this.

When I say I want to be treated as subhuman, I mean it. I want to be told when to fall asleep, be woken up 'rudely', to spend the day doing whatever you tell me, and if I get it wrong, you push me to the floor and kick me and ask me how long it'll take until the order penetrates my thick fucking dumb head. I want to be commanded within every inch of my life and serve you until I drop dead.

I want this 24/7/365. I just wish somebody would ask me to fill that role for them.

Slightly glad I don't have any internet connection in the complex whilst on holiday cuz now I don't have to deal with it if he decides not to message me.

I just realised I gave him the password to my iPad. That has tumblr logged in. On this account. I'll be damned if I let him anywhere NEAR this account. So glad I remembered before he arrived.

Things r so good so far this week.. waiting for the inevitable fracturing. Though, if that can happen AFTER next week once he's visited me (a SUPER recent development. I'm so excited.), I'd be very grateful. World, hear my plea.

He had the audacity to tell me that he'd be speaking to the American friend when they were online. No, you're not. You're coming here to spend time with me. I don't have anybody else like you do. I don't have someone to turn to when you're not around, when you don't want me, I don't have someone I can call my "partner". You're pulling me to shreds.

It's not fair that you can just have someone else so easily. I'm trying to find other people, other friends, but none of them are like you, nobody's the same, similar. I can't trust them like I trust you, and even then, I don't know WHY I trust you after being hurt by you like this. Maybe it's because I have just enough rationality to recognise that I'm the problem. But something inside me is prying, telling me that I'm not the problem, that you should be treating me so carefully, like I'm glass that's about to shatter, that you should know how fragile I am. I don't know anymore.

I love needing to be dehumanised and needing to not have free will sooo much that it makes me want to end myself. It feels so wrong to be human, to do things without true purpose, to be able to go anywhere, make my own choices. I wish people understood this and would be willing to treat others in a way that's "unacceptable" in a societal aspect. Need to not be in control.