A Great Insult For A Piece Of Literature: "drier Than A Stale Loaf Of Bread."

Art by BlueSky user Adi Fitri

I heard that's the sign the hatter needs a new hobby. Poor forms means poor fitting hats which leads to buckles

WHO GOT CAUGHT!?

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Wait a minute if elves take a hundred years to grow up that has some weird implications.

So… if we say a human comes of age in fantasy worlds at 16, that means it takes an elf 6.25 years to age one human year. If we say the age of maturity is 18 that’s 5.55 years.

So then… okay with people that live a long time have to see their human friends die and probably see them like pets yeah that’s been explored to death. But what about a human just seeing their friend not grow up?

An elf toddler and a human toddler become friends at a playdate. At the time the human is two and the elf is 13. Emotionally the elf is just a little older than the human. But then the human grows up. He grows up and as he grows up his friend doesn’t. Not much, anyways.

She’s still sucking her thumb and throwing tantrums the entire time that he grows up. When he reaches the age where he’d choose a trade or go to an academy he’s earning extra money by babysitting her. During his initiation into adulthood on his 18th birthday she’s there with her parents holding a stuffed animal. Later that afternoon he sees her being shown some colorful flashcards with letters of the elvish alphabet on it by her father.

The human gets older. He learns how to fight, he goes from town to town getting work. At some point he joins the army. Every time he visits his hometown he has at least one more scar and by the time he’s 30 and the elf girl is mentally seven by human standards she starts to understand that something is wrong. Even after he settles down to be a home maker for the local blacksmith something feels wrong.

And she watches him grow old. When she’s in her 80s she babysits his grandchildren for extra cash after school, coming over in her school robes and ruffling his hair. She doesn’t remember why she became friends with this human or when but a strange sense of jealousy fills her heart.

Now she realizes it. She realizes it too late, on the day her friend learns that he is dying. The first day of her 100th year and the start of his last. Humans’ lifetimes may only last for the childhood of an elf if they’re lucky, but they learn so fast. They do so much. They cram their days full of love and hate and learning and wonder.

He knew this was coming. He knew all of this decades before she did, because elves are slow. Not stupid, certainly not stupid, but very very slow. She holds her old friend’s hand as he lays down on his bed. A man that has led such an ordinary life but feels so extraordinary to her. Because he has always, always been there and now he just won’t. Because in her eyes he became so wise so fast and now he’s just gonna be gone.

On an elf’s 100th birthday they are allowed to choose a new name for themselves. It can be important, or not. Usually it will follow them until the end of time. She stands in front of her family’s elders and is asked what name she will be called from now on.

She names herself after him.

Abrahamic religions can be compared to a grilled cheese sandwich:

Is it cut diagonal, horizontal, or vertical?

Why argue when it's the same sandwich

Then there's me: zipping through tests, drawing during class while paying attention, and taking notes at insane pace (my handwriting is sloppy as hell), and i still graduated.

Between all that, i still was able to build a small fictional world and hone in my style of creative writing.

I broke the mold because i had to; I'd have a mental breakdown if i didnt.

Still dispise jobs that don't let me think for myself. I crave the thrill of figuring things out, using my hands, and getting lost in something with many parts.

All tests should be open book. It’s not like your future boss is going to say, “I need those tax returns finished by noon, but don’t look at any of the financial statements. Do it all from memory.”

Post corrections/clarifications are my favorite genre of humor: a compilation

Even with the sound off, I can still hear this

Kirby: Nightmare in Dream Land Gameboy Advance 2002

Fuck You, Misogynists

Given today's U.S. election results, I can no longer conscience maintaining a kink blog with (fake) misogynist content.

I've previously been ethically uncomfortable about maintaining this blog as I know at least some (hopefully small) percentage of users who engage with this blog truly do believe in misogyny and male superiority, but I justified it as a fun sexy thing for MYSELF and for other women, nonbinary, and trans people who DESERVE to have fun, filthy fantasies.

Now women and other gender minorities are once again in a fight for our lives and not a single goddamn misogynist man deserves to get off on my erotic writing.

In my real life, I am a lawyer and an activist. I have power, I have money, and I am coming for you fucks. I will burn you. I will use every resource at my disposal to strip everything from you and leave you weak, groveling, and dying alone in your cum-stained underwear.

Know that if you've ever messaged me with the serious implication that you are superior to me or other women/gender minorities, I have laughed. I've looked at your lonely, pathetic, poorly-written feeds, cringed at your sins against grammar, and laughed at your braindead delusions.

For non-misogynist men: If you continue engaging in this kink space, please do it responsibly. Please make it known that you do not actually endorse misogyny in any form. In your real lives, donate to women and minority-led causes. Treat your partners with respect. Learn how to engage in dominance/submission play consensually. There are classes, meetups, and kink spaces where you can learn how to engage with dark kinks without being part of the problem.

For women, nonbinary, and trans people: I love you. You are beautiful, smart, and courageous. Your blogs are infinitely more sexy, interesting, and creative than the "real" misogyny blogs. Lean on each other. Know your worth. Don't feed the delusions of pathetic, lonely losers who couldn't dominate their way out of a wet paper bag. If you engage in kink in real life, find supportive feminist kink spaces. You do not have to settle for anything less than your wildest fantasies.

Signing off <3