So, Um.

so, um.

i've been thinking about "pilgrimage" for a while now. and about how we still haven't reached much of a consensus on what we're expecting from that episode.

pilgrimage. definition: a journey, especially a long and difficult one, made to some sacred or important place, typically as an act of devotion, or in search of deeper meaning, healing, or understanding.

the way this show works, i'm expecting to see all the characters on their own personal pilgrimages. some of them are easier to imagine than others.

maddie and chim taking jee-yun on her first beach trip, maybe. maddie, reconciling and processing both her harrowing, terrifying time in the ocean and her fear of jee near water. chimney, there to support her. both of them anchoring and grounding themselves in each other's presence, in the security of their family, and in the comfort that comes from teaching jee-yun to swim. watching her safely doggy paddle and splash and play in the shallow water, a lifejacket on her shoulders and a smile on her face, with the knowledge that she's safe and happy with both of her parents.

hen, finishing med school. becoming a doctor, finally, after her long journey of stress and studying and sleepless nights. she worked so, so hard to get here, and it was worth it. she doesn't necessarily have to leave her job and her home at the 118- she could be captain there someday, after all! but she's armed with so much more knowledge now, knowledge and training that will help her save even more lives, whether that's in a hospital or out in the field. and that medical license? it will help her advocate for every patient she treats, especially the ones overlooked by the medical system- her mom comes to mind. it forces everyone to take her seriously, to give her the respect she deserves, from the moment she introduces herself to them. and above all else, she will have proven to herself that she can do it. that she can chase each and every one of her dreams, at her pace and on her terms. just like she quit her pharma job, just like she became a firefighter despite eva's lack of support- only now, she has the support and encouragement from all her family and friends.

bobby, taking a trip to minnesota. maybe athena's with him, maybe may and harry. or maybe not. the fire at dispatch brought back a lot of old pain for him, even as saving may helped heal some of his oldest wounds. a karmic balancing of the scales, in a way- we know bobby tends to see things that way. but may isn't brooke. bobby buried a wife, a son, a daughter. and visiting their resting place to pay his respects, to tell them about his sobriety, about his new family, about how he creates families everywhere he goes now, about how much he misses them every day but despite it all he hasn't stopped living- that's a pilgrimage. and one i think he sorely needs to take, in order to heal.

for a while, i thought buck might take a trip back to hershey in this episode. but now i'm not so sure. eddie's already been back to el paso, and aside from that, i wasn't sure what a pilgrimage might look like, for him.

but then it hit me.

buck and eddie, going back to the site of the shooting. together. talking about it, processing it- as frank put it, "maybe you should talk about your pain with someone who shares it. think about your trauma. and then talk to someone who can understand exactly what you've been through."

that would be a pilgrimage, wouldn't it?

there's this scene in survivors, that i don't think we talk about enough- understandably, considering everything else going on in that episode. it's a quiet, blink-and-you'll-miss-it little moment between bobby and athena, that takes place only a handful of scenes after buck hauls eddie into the fire engine and desperately tries to keep him from bleeding out. and it goes like this:

athena: you know, after i was attacked, we never really talked about it.

bobby: well, i always got the sense you didn't want to.

athena: no, i mean... we never talked about what it was like for you.

bobby: there's that thing people say... 'i don't know what i'd do without you'. because losing someone you love is such an alien concept. you don't want to imagine what it's like. and i was sitting in that engine thinking i was listening to you dying. and i didn't need to imagine anything. i knew what my life would feel like without you in it. and it scared me.

👀

so, yeah. pilgrimage. i'm a firm believer in buck and eddie having their first kiss in the kitchen- i'm ready to tell you that i'm in love with you, so i'm telling you now, because i need you to know how loved you are, but i also know you need more time, and i will wait right here until you're ready for me too.

but when it comes time for a mutual display of commitment, that we're really doing this, i'm all in if you're all in, for better or for worse moment? i can't think of a better spot than the intersection where everything changed. episode one gave us a call where a man was shot by what looked to be a (large caliber) bullet, but was revealed to be a symbol of gay love and commitment- life saving for one man yet simultaneously life threatening for another. the thing that hurts is sometimes the thing that heals.

remember the funny little thing eddie said to buck in survivors, right before it all went south?

should have gotten here sooner.

pilgrimage: that street corner, no blood in sight. foreheads pressed together, leaning close, shaky hands on each other's faces, teary eyes. a kiss, maybe, or maybe not- the meaning's still the same.

buck, to eddie: nah. we're right on time.