Nah But For Real Johnathan Whats Wrong With You

people isnt it obvious

08/06/2025

The dyke of the day is Paul Mccartney with her butch girlfriend John Lennon from the niche underground band the (silver) beatles!

Found this on Insta.

Me core:

only the first image mind you.

Fem Beatles am I right or am I right?

GIRLS featuring very historically inaccurate piercings

𝟏𝟗𝟕𝟓.

𝓖𝓸 𝓦𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓕𝓵𝓸𝔀

𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎

David Bowie’s Notebook

“Fame” was released. It was a busy day. We had to do some check ups for the records and sort out management. Yes, we. John decided to jump in and help me. How does he make decisions? He was waiting for me in the studio.

“Hullo.”, he plainly stated, “Want to listen to the freshest record?”

He smiled and I chuckled.

“Yeah. That would be great!”, I sat down in thought.

The song played and we carefully listened. Even though John usually looked very stoic, then he was cringing everytime he heard himself.

“I told them to iron out my voice…”, he huffed.

“I like it.”, I shrugged, “Why change something that works?”

He laughed.

“You are right.” “Let’s move onto the paperwork.”, I sighed, “This is going to suck.”

“Now, now, David. Everything is going to be fine, I’m here to keep ya company remember?”, he took one pile of papers and began sorting, “Maybe it would’ve been easier to sort this if I brought May along, though… I don’t really want to misuse her services anymore.”

I took a pile of papers and began sorting it. We sorted in silence, until I heard John.

“David, I admire your bravery.”

I was shocked.

“I could never make so many different creative personalities and then perform as them on stage.”

I stopped sorting.

“John, you are the brave one here! Your every other song is problematic and makes people rethink their actions.”

He continued sorting, stopping after a few moments.

“How do you do it?”, he looked at me.

“Hm?”

“How do you face public performances?”, he shyly brushes his hands, but quickly corrects himself and stands confidently. I was shocked.

“Why would you of all people ask me that? You are great at that! People loved your jokes in the Beatles.”

“Right, in the Beatles. And when I’m with Yoko. Can you see where the problem is? I meant alone. You do it completely alone.”, he casually explained.

“John…”, why was he so afraid and vulnerable?

 “Okay, if you want a taste of my way of performing, I can guide you through the process.”, I offered. He lit up.

“Lead the way, Mr. Stardust.”, I could hear how excited he was.

“The personas I create are to ease my fear of public performances. Nobody knows me that way. They are usually tied to my emotional wellbeing and my hobby of the day.”, I explained.

“Oh, so they are you but exaggerated.”, John smiled.

“That sounds about right.”, I chuckled, “Well, what do you feel the most, John?”

John flinched, he doesn’t share his problems that much, and when he shares them it’s usually in the form of jokes.

“I’m usually trying to be happy.”, John obviously lied.

To compensate for that I said: “Go with the opposite.”

He lifted an eyebrow and wrote down “depression”.

“Hobby of the day?”, I asked.

“Hm… What would I like to do?”, he spun around in the office chair, “I would love to write something. Maybe… Poetry, did that. Story, did that. Hm, maybe a play!”

“That’s interesting.”, my eyes widened.

“No, no, why would I write a play when I could direct one. Put on a show! That’s a great idea, a director. A play or film director.”, he got engaged. 

I got us some pens, and we laid down on the cold floor. We exchanged some ideas, he was building a narrative, while I guided him and gave him some heads up. Just like when I was learning to manage myself. He was always on hand to explain and give tips which I wholeheartedly stick to.

“So, depressed director… The budget is never enough, nor the time. A perfectionist to the core. Does everything to keep the project going.”, he frantically wrote down.

“Why would they want to keep it going?”, I asked.

“Because they, hm, value themselves through their work. Their private life is not fun. It’s a routine of daily chores and the same people that repeat over and over.”, he added.

“Same people?”, I continued.

“Low expectations for people, low standards, they can see right through their facade. Each person has their own story? Maybe they can say that.”, he became playful.

“Are you staying with they?”, I asked him.

“Huh, I didn’t even notice we were calling the character they. Let me think about it…”, he stared into a point in the studio. He abruptly stopped and looked at me.

“What do ya say, pal? Should I stick with it? Or should I go with high heels or disgusting sandals?”

Now I’ve joined the staring squad, staring deep into his eyes trying to read his sorrows. His eyes were smiling on the outside, but under the surface they looked like they were tired of everyone and everything. Tired of looking after people. Yet, something in him put up with all the problems he had to face. Something that wanted him to persevere and wanted him to be the perfect ideal all of us made him out to be. Something that controlled him like a puppet and to which he has no control over. I was reminded of Yoko, because of the controlling part, but she was never that authoritative. Maybe I should give him a chance to be authoritative in a more professional setting. He was always up to challenges and it would be a good way for him to let out his frustrations. It’s an exercise after all.

“You should go with…”

“High heels.”, both of us said at the same time.

“Glad to know you agree.”, he joked. What?

“David, you were staring for so long I didn’t know if you’d say anything so I thought “fuck it, let’s play dressup”.”, he patted me on the shoulder.

I chuckled.

“Alright, John. Now, use all of this information and take one of your songs that would suit her and sing it to me.”, I explained.

“That would suit her…”, he thought out loud.

He wrote down a list of his songs, then played around with his pencil, scribbling around.

“I don’t think my solo career suits her.”, he erased all of the songs, “But I have an idea. I’ll do something I was afraid of singing for a while, and that was never done live in the first place. Though here is no audience but alright, you’ll do.”

He became nervous.

“Are you okay?”, I asked him.

“I am fine. I’m not really looking the part so I don’t think I can sing yet.”, he chuckled.

I decided to let him go all in then.

“We should get you an interesting costume. You already dress strikingly, so we’ll go with the opposite.”

“You are correct. She just wants to work on her project- and I made up my mind- she should be a play director. The world's a stage.”

John was really getting into the process and I was so happy he felt that way, even though we weren’t serious. I looked up to him for so long, so for him to look up to me for something was so exciting!

“Style me. You are the master after all.”, he said.

“Alright.”, I joked, “We’ll not do much.”

I untied his hair, it fell too flat. I roughed it up, and it became a bit more curly and it fell naturally.

“I think I won’t use my glasses. It’s a John thing.”, he put away his glasses.

“I forgot to mention you should alienate yourself. But I think you’ve figured that one out yourself.”, I was impressed.

He turned and looked at me, swooshing his hair. It was weird looking at him without his recognizable glasses. His eyes seemed bigger and his nose smaller. That was a good decision on his part.

“I haven’t seen you with long hair and no glasses. You look so much softer.”, I admitted.

“I had long hair in the Beatles during the early years.”, he argued.

“It was tied back.”, I was doing his eyebrows and noticed I was scraping some gunk away. Was it some kind of makeup or something… No, no, I’m overthinking things. He became quiet. He had a small stubble that could easily be covered. I thought it would poke out a bit, but no, it blended in perfectly. It was quite soft… I thought he could just take off some stuff and he would have a character.

“What makeup do you want?”

“Oooh, I know. I want to be like Twiggy herself. I like that bird a lot. I remember, when we were still teds, the band used to wank off to her. It was like a competition-”

I was laughing out loud.

“I don’t want to listen to your wet dreams, Lennon.”, I was on the brink of choking.

“If you say so, though, it is quite spicy. Maybe even inspiring.”, he winked. “Take off everything that is too extravagant off yourself. So as to not ruin your precious makeup.”, I joked.

“Fine, David.”, he took off his scarf, his jacket, his belt, his pins and his watch. Leaving him in his shirt, jeans and worn out trainers. He rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and left one pin on. “I love Paul”. I always wondered why he liked that pin so much.

I added blue eyeshadow and did the eyeliner like Twiggy did. I put some blush on his cheeks. I gave him lipstick.

“It’s the last step.”, I chuckled.

He smiled and put on lipstick.

“Are you now comfortable?”, I asked.

He was quite nervous. Maybe he was nervous as himself, but now his nervousness was more evident with those accented doll-like eyes. 

“He, he, of course.”, he said.

“Then it’s time for the last step in my process. Just sing.”

He went to the table and took his guitar. He tuned it meticulously, he never tuned it that much trying to get the right note. He stood up, and began playing. It was “Happiness Is A Warm Gun”. But he changed the lyrics…

I’m not a girl who misses much

Do do do do do do, oh yeah

His voice was the same though it began to gain a much more sad and slow tone.

I’m well-acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand

Like a lizard on a window pane

My man in the band with the multicolored mirrors

On his hobnail boots

Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy

Working overtime

A soap impression of his wife which he ate

And donated to the National Trust

His voice didn’t go deep on this next part. It remained as high as when he sang the first.

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down

Down to the pits that I left uptown

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down

He got more theatrical. It’s like he felt the lyrics hit him for the first time.

Mother Superior jumped the gun

The unexpected falsetto here scared me. He felt like doing everything different. He continued repeating it that way, each time feeling more and more like a call for help.

He put on a smile. His voice gained a more elegant and cute tone. It was like when I embraced my character. Singing even the smallest parts. Though I helped him with that.

Happiness is a warm gun (bang, bang, shoot, shoot)

Happiness is a warm gun, momma (bang, bang, shoot, shoot)

He took his glasses and didn’t play this part.

When I hold you in my arms (ooh, oh, yeah)

He caressed the glasses.

And I feel my finger on your trigger (ooh, oh, yeah)

He began to put them on, but decided to put them in his pocket.

I know nobody can do me no harm (ooh, oh, yeah)

Because

He went back on the guitar.

Happiness is a warm gun, yes it is (bang, bang, shoot, shoot)

Happiness is a warm, yes it is, gun (happiness, bang, bang, shoot, shoot)

Well, don't you know that happiness is a warm gun momma?

He didn’t wait for me to clap, dropping the guitar. I was astonished. It was so different from how he used to do it that if anyone said it was a different person I’d believe them. I don’t know if John would be comfortable for me in costume to call him she. 

“Bowie.”, he continued in his higher pitched voice, “Was I any good?”

“You were great and different.”, I said, “Different in a good way. You played your, or um, John’s song in a completely new way…”

“Hahaha, David, tis fine. I know I did, plus it’s in character for me.”, he chuckled wistfully and caringly. Yet that wistful smile got lost as fast as it came on.

“You know, David… I wonder how it would’ve played out…”, he spread himself out on the floor. He patted the floor to say I can sit beside him, so I did. The doll-like eyes gazed into the abyss that was the ceiling.

“If I played in front of many people. Me. A small unimportant artist, a small unimportant woman against a whole bunch of gits. They would’ve torn through me…”, I concluded he was comfortable.

She rustled her sleeves…

“Exactly why John can do it. He has… The energy needed to survive the crowd. I don’t.”, she sighed.

“But then why would he ask me for advice?”, I asked. Why would John say this? Or John’s counterpart? Or this role he is playing?

She ignored the question.

“He won’t be playing for a while.”, she shrugged.

“He won’t be, what!”, I was saddened.

“He won’t. It’s because of Sean and a bunch of disappointing turnouts. He is burnt out.”, she explained.

There was something she wanted to tell me, but couldn’t. She graciously stood up.

“You know, I like this role.”, she twirled around, “I…”

“I really hate I’m going to tell you this.”, she exhaled.

“What?”

“John’s songs are very touchy and private. Every song. Him saying they’re not us upright lying!”, she jumbled her words.

John lost himself.

“Really?”

“Yes.”

She played with her hair.

“Do you… Feel any better?”

“Feel, hum, I feel fine.”, she giggled, “She’s in love with me and I feel fine.”

“Why “Happiness Is A Warm Gun”?”, I was quite interested in the choice.

“It’s my everyday.”, she said looking at me, “I feel like I’m overworked, yet I do nothing. I grab my guitar and sing and write nothing. Of course, compositions for the plays. Everything is meaningless without an audience. One person is enough for an audience. Though it doesn’t have to mean that if they don’t give you any useful feedback.”

Her smile differed from John’s usual one. This one was full of hope and amazement.

“My meticulous planning and execution make the difference. My “gun” are the tools and ideas I incorporate in my life that make my art great and me satisfied. Yet there are always ideas that have to be benched for some time.” 

I was confused. She noticed and booped my nose. This character by her composed stature, melancholic stare and patient smile didn’t remind me of Lennon in the slightest, except her ideal chasing nature. John was direct in his songs, but when I talk to him I see a lot of excuses and sugary sentences to make me accept something. Though when something was bad, he would tell me. This woman was straight to the point.

“David.”, she became serious, “Don’t hesitate, any question is fine, really. Just keep me occupied, John needs a break.”

“John needs a break?”, I listened to her order.

“An actor needs a break to collect himself. A role can tire a person out.”, she described it, “They should try something new and see if they like it. Maybe a different role.”

“You existed even before today?”

She smiled and chuckled.

“Cheeky bugger. Depends on how you look at it. With these characteristics him and you gave me, no. But, at the core, for as long as John knows himself.”, she took a piece of paper.

“John fantasized about you? Or being you?”, I concluded.

Her face was ridden with uncertainty.

“Don’t know about that from his point of view, but I wanted to be like him.”, she grabbed my shoulder, “You said earlier today his songs are brave, yes?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“I could never do that. Go out there with my stuff and be seen with it. Be a target. Exactly why you need actors, because the director is a figure in the darkness. Maybe John’s question about your process could be better worded as this: how do you manage to be an actor and director at the same time? Johnny and I would love to know the answer, so please pray tell.”, she asked me.

“You went through it with me. You should be able to conclude now.”, I wanted her to think.

“No. Then it’s exactly the same as for us two.”, she said, “You, David are the director, while your personas are the actors. You perform as them, or they perform for you, and… Wait. You always credit yourself in the end, even though you let them perform instead of you…”

“Yeah. It’s my creation afterall.”, I affirmed.

She hugged me all of a sudden. The first hug I got from John.

“You’re so lucky, David.”, she squeezed me, “I wish I met you earlier. In good old Liverpool. You would’ve appreciated me from the beginning… Like…”

She sniffled, “I want to see her again… I hope she found someone else. She had to have found someone else.”

“Who?”

My question was downright ignored again.

“I told him to leave her, for her health. We both loved her. And the child… He was in the middle of everything. John hurt him too. What an awful person. What an awful actor. No, I am an awful director.”

This is going downhill really fast.

“Lennon, are you okay?”, I asked her. Her face was buried into my shirt.

“Bowie, I’m so thankful.”

“This is helping?”, I asked.

“This is helpful, yes.”, she said, “John needs to visit Julian at all costs. The lads were right about us… Oh, Paul…”

I realized everything. John views his emotions as feminine. He was repressing this for so long. And is still repressing them by putting them in a different persona.

“I couldn’t have guessed that John has been feeling this way.”, I sighed and hugged her back.

“John is not writing and performing for a while and that is the end. He needs to let off steam. He is tired of playing the cunning and smart Britishman. He is neither cunning nor smart in person. He is just a normal Liverpudlian with a nasally high voice that he absolutely despises and high standards, nothing more, nothing less.”

“Everything will be alright. John is like a mentor to me.”, I reddened because of embarrassment, “I believe he’ll figure things out.”

“First person to say he is a mentor to them, I always viewed him as a playful guy who acted like a child. A smart child.”, she was proud.

“If I call you John, would I be wrong?”

“Yeah, because I passionately deny it in front of an audience. My crew gets the other answer.”

“John, why would you go through this? It was simpler to tell me as yourself. You don’t need a spectacle to tell me the truth.”

“He needs to rest. He wouldn’t tell you the truth, he is imagined that way. A brick wall.”

“You are still talking about yourself in the third person and you told me all this.”

“Force of habit. My little beloved actor side…”, she wiped her tear smearing part of the makeup… I don’t remember applying that much.

“Why does he even need to let off steam? Isn’t he ideal? He should be able to withstand whatever I throw at him, not let me take over. Life really knows how to set me up. I should be able to get through this.”, she pouted.

“John isn’t perfect.”, I told her.

“John is perfect by his function.”, she proudly stated.

I got sad. John just admitted to me he was fake. He was fake with me. What did he mean everytime we played, what did he think of me?

 “Wait, wait, no, no! David… ”, her view fluttered towards my eyes, like an older sister watching her upset younger brother, “You took it the wrong way, no, I explained it wrong.”

She smeared the makeup, finally breaking the boundaries for John.

“Bowie, I’m so sorry… I got too into character.”

“She is you, of course you got into character, when it’s your feelings Lennon.”

“David…”, he struggled to get anything out.

“You really can’t tell the truth huh?”, I was astonished with the amount of anxiety and pain he must’ve been feeling, “John, I still respect you and I think you respect me too by sharing all this. But this kind of behavior is damaging for you, so tell me directly what is bothering you? I’ve heard what she thinks. I need to hear it from you.”

He was quiet, pondering my question, staring into my eyes.

“What’s bothering me is that I’m trapped in a loveless marriage with a child that I am not sure is mine, and even songwriting and peacemaking doesn’t satisfy me anymore. I only like working with people, because I’m sick of writing on my own. I’m sick of running after George and Paul, fuck ‘em both.”, this was unexpected.

“How long?”, I pat him on the shoulder.

“Yoko and I have been in a bad spot for some time now because of the May situation. Sean will make or break our marriage completely in private. Yoko knows me all too well, she knows how much I regret not taking care of Julian and how much I have a soft spot for kids. If I leave her, I’d look like I’m running away from the responsibility of being a parent, I’d hate that to happen again.”, what interesting phrasing.

“I’m sick of pretending that I know everything if I know nothing. That’s it. I know absolutely nothing.”, he is going from one extreme to the other. When I look back on his attitude, he always acted like he had everything under control. It was contradictory that he was prone to panic. It’s like when a play goes wrong and the director can’t correct it. Everything was preplanned, John came here with the thought of doing this. He wanted to tell me something and I think I can dig it out of him.

“What does your aunt think of it?”, could be tied to her.

“Mary? She told me she supported me whatever I do. But she is scared. Of course she is. Her nephew is in a big city in an another country.”, he said, “I should pay her a visit soon. Maybe next week.”

His face became melancholic, “She is scared for me and Julia…”

Julia. First I heard that name from John’s mouth. 

“Jules is depressed all of the time, she is alone, I think she liked Paul for a long time and they used to hang out, but they never got together. She just gave up when everything “didn’t go according to plan”. No wonder us two are still in a quarrel, so I’m not paying her a visit. We are too different. I’m impulsive and rash, she would pre plan every single thing down to the minute detail.”, he sighed angrily.

“John, stop lying. You predicted my behavior. You arranged my behavior like a director to get me to give you space for your problems. You two are more similar than you think.”, I calmed him down, “You should both resolve the conflict. It’s clear you care, because you are still angry.”

“No, we are not similar, and how would you know what she is like!”, he was angry, or no, he was panicking.

“She is caring, she is funny and melancholic, slow, truthful and direct. She holds her own and likes to write using metaphors…”

“Yeah, that’s her.”, he facepalmed himself and laughed quietly, “I am really getting out of hand. I should resolve that with her.”

Is that what he wanted to tell me? To help him with resolving his conflict with his sister. That is very sad and I’m grateful he thinks we’re that close.

“Anything else?”, this was getting sadder and sadder. John Lennon was unraveling in front of me. The description that fits Julia could fit him then, broken on the floor, smiling like everything was meaningless except the moment he was sharing with me, which he planned for I guess long before we met today. He wiped off the rest of the makeup. The frail stature of the man didn’t suit the picture we all had of him for so long. His eyes remained doll-like. He had a stubble but it was missing!

“Did you apply makeup before this or what?”

“I dunno, but I do know we should finish sorting and we lost time on my confession. Let's sort this out.”

“John, explain, please, I’m so curious! I am most curious to know what you have been hiding! You cannot cut the story where you like!”

“Except I can David, I am the director.”, he joked, “And this part of the play has gone on for too long. Let’s get back to the script.”

I sighed and laughed. I’m glad I got to see his vulnerable side. I could've been overthinking things. We sorted through the documents and parted ways.

“Thank you once more, David. It helped me so much.”, he said sincerely smiling, “I will visit aunt Mimi during next week, I missed Liverpool.”

“I’m happy I got to share this moment with you. Please consider what I said. Don’t let my words be for nothing…”

I went home and began thinking about visiting Liverpool. I’ve never been there and inspiration could be anywhere. This week, I went there. It was very nice and quiet. I headed to Strawberry Fields, since it was John’s most inspiring spot. In here I found some Beatlemaniacs, but the fuss they were making was much smaller than I expected. Other than them, there were few people on a walk… I  found a spot in the grass and relaxed. John liked the place because the two of them could focus on the songs. I stared off into the sky that was framed by trees, giving me a sense of intimacy.

“Why must you always complicate things? You did the best thing you could’ve done at that moment…”, I heard a familiar voice.

“I don’t know how you look me in the eye sometimes.”, another quite familiar voice, “After everything we did to you. It’s not just him…”

I moved my head to the source of the voices and spotted two women. I recognized the first one immediately, she was Cynthia Powell, while the other one was a tall brunette with cat-eye glasses. They sat on the bench in front of me. Cynthia sat ladylike, while her friend spread herself out, making Cynthia chuckle.

“I missed you a lot. I’m glad you took precautions and only visited Julian, but you could’ve used more chances to check on how I was doing y’know? We’re still best of friends.”

“Cyn…”, the brunette hugged her, “You always understood me. Yet I always misused that.”

Cynthia lifted an eyebrow.

“Julia, you and your theatrics. Stop repeating yourself and relax…”, she patted her younger friend on the head.

Julia and John have a history with Cynthia.

“Everything is quite simple. It’s just your poetic head that makes everything complicated. Just like your songs.”, Cynthia said.

“They’re good.”, Julia stated, “I’m done with them.”

“You are done with them? But why?”, Cynthia asked her.

“Enjoy the view, Ms. Prim, and don’t think about it.”, Julia joked.

By John’s description, Julia writes too. Could Julia have been writing John’s songs all along, or no. That would be stupid. John and I wrote “Fame” together over improvised live sessions.

“You know you could tell me anything, Lennon.”, Cynthia looked at her with a sense of longing.

Julia stared at her the same way John stared at me after I asked him.

“I think that my little actor has passed his boundaries.”, Julia explained, “Even though Yoko keeps him in check, you could include May as well. He needs a break.”

She was using the same terminology as John, making me question are John and her even in a fight.

“I…”, Cynthia glanced at her friend in tears, “But songwriting has become the only thing you love. After Paul left you…”

“After I left him. He just rejected me. I don’t need his sorrows and explanations. I still love him… John still loves him. I don’t understand why he was so against everything!”, Julia was angry, “And I love Aunt Mimi, Julian and my friends, including you. You said it yourself, I did the best thing. And sometimes it meant John leaving you. He needed to go. The selfish prick with no boundaries.”

My question was answered.

“Could you do me a favour? Just one.”, Cynthia asked with a sense of playfulness.

“What?”, Julia looked at her with her doll-like eyes. Her eyes shifted to the behind of the bench.

A small sign passed behind the bench. It was exactly like a sign I noticed on a picture of Cynthia and John. Julia blushed a bright pink.

“Ah, Cynthia Powell, whatever shall I do with your lovesick head?”, Julia joked.

“Well, Julia Victoria Lennon, whatever shall you do? Ms. “I forgot my best friend” and Ms. “I love Paul”.”

“I told the pricks multiple times that it's as it says… Augh, that’s not important. And this one is for Ms. Prim and Proper.”, I couldn’t believe it but Julia planted a kiss on Cynthia’s lips. A kiss of friendship and lost passion. A parting one. Or a kiss they haven’t shared for so long. Were they together before John and Cynthia or what is their story?

“I listened to your new song. I liked it.”

“Oh, yeah, y’know, the kid I worked with is great. Were it not for him, I wouldn’t have visited Aunt Mimi and you.”

Wait.

“He reminds me of you, so artistic and introverted. Proper when he is himself but his personas are full of life.”, she booped Cynthia on her nose.

This can't be.

“You have adopted another rock star. Oh, Julia.”, Cynthia chuckled.

“Don’t remind me of Geo, he fucking gets on my nerves. He can’t stand Yoko. How are the two of us supposed to hang out if he keeps being such a drag?”

“You can’t go anywhere without dragging her with you, am I really getting replaced as a best friend too?”

“Cyn, you cheeky woman.”, Jules chuckled, “She needs to keep me in check, I can’t trust meself. Though I didn’t bring her to practice with Bowie that day… Hm.”

“Oh, oh, John is queer. I could have expected this, no, who am I kidding. No.”, were the words I thought while freaking out. 

The two women chatted some more while my jaw dropped. Julia told Cynthia John’s problems like they were nothing, just a story she thought up over a cup of tea. Cynthia listened to her, gave her advice. They were close, and I understand why - they were together for ten years.

“Cyn, want to go to my place? It was nice to visit Strawberry Fields. See, this tree behind us is where Paul and I wrote most of our hits.”, she pointed in my direction but didn’t see me.

“Yeah, we could, I want to say hi to your aunt.”, she chuckled, “Proudest aunt in Liverpool.”

“Second to Paul’s scumbag father.”, Julia scoffed.

“Don’t fret over that, Jules.”, she kissed her on the cheek.

Julia took Cynthia by the hand and led her home.

“It’s you and I, Ms. Prim.”, Julia chuckled.

Leaving me imagining what part of the illusion was real; Julia or John? Only thing I knew for sure was they respected me and I respected them and their choice, making me feel less alone and alien in this weird world.

Rest of Sacrifame

𝟏𝟗𝟕𝟎.

𝓢𝓲𝓷𝓬𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝓒𝓸𝓷𝓭𝓸𝓵𝓮𝓷𝓬𝓮𝓼 𝓣𝓸 𝓛𝓮𝓷𝓷𝓸𝓷𝓸

𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎

Yoko Ono’s Workbook

20th June 1970.

We were in LA for the past week. Two months passed from the shitshow that was 10th April- no scratch that- the whole month for John and me. John kept running around Starr and Harrison trying to ease the wound McCartney had been pouring salt on for the past few months recording Abbey Road. McCartney and him got along well when I got with John, but things took a turn for the worse when John went with me on their practices. But who can blame him for asking! God, if I was stuck with McCartney because of a ten year contract I’d be bored too. McCartney is a genius for melodies, but he really behaves like a peasant. I cannot believe I liked him at first! I liked him more than I liked John, which is offputting.

Today, we went to San Francisco with our friends, the Wenners, for a showing of the thing that is… Well it is like this year's April, movie Let It Be.

John was not ecstatic and dragged me to the side while the Wenners were busy formulating the route.

“Can we not?”, John turned away his eyes, not something John does.

“We didn’t watch it the first time. You have to face it someday.”, I tried to convince him.

“But does that have to be… today?”, he shifted his composure from relaxed to stiff.

“Kinda does love.”, I chuckled, “By delaying, you are going against your image.”

“That your right, Yoko.”, he patted me with a sad glint in his eyes. Melancholy didn’t suit him in the slightest. John went to them and joyfully told them to lead the way, embracing denial.

John grabbed me under my arm and we followed the pair to the theatre. We avoided the crowd which were excited to see another Beatles movie. He saw their smiling faces and barely held himself together. Thankfully there weren’t many of them. We went inside and grabbed first row seats which John hated very much but there was a smaller chance of being seen from the front so he obliged.

“I always wanted to see how you practice-d.”, Jann Wenner said to John.

“Oh, nothing much, could’ve just asked me directly, not see everything through the rosy lensed glasses of the director.”, John smiled.

“Maybe the director is more objective.”, Jane Wenner assumed.

“We’ll see.”, I ended the conversation before John would get heated, stubborn and try to defend his point.

John, like always, understood I was diffusing the situation and did nothing else?

The film began and I’m reminded of the chaos, suffering and pain I went through with John. Everything came back. Though that movie had only the nicer parts, McCartney's treatment of my husband was getting on my nerves and making me want to break something in the vicinity. I understand Harrison, he is a very pampered talented child who, at one moment, realized he didn’t want to be treated like that forever and he spends the whole movie trying to prove himself. I understood why I was disliked by him, he had less time to talk with John to show him his achievements. And my behavior didn’t help. Starr isn’t like either of the three that were in the band, so he didn’t deem me a threat. He liked me less because I was causing Harrison and McCartney to lash out. 

But why did McCartney dislike me so much? Doesn’t he have a lifelong friendship with my husband? He even brought his own wife, Linda, and that still wasn’t enough for him to stop making inappropriate comments about John and me. They all brought them, why would I make such a difference? John always bites, of course. He would always defend me, like he used to defend Powell before he left her. Both of the Lennon/McCartney famous duo were perfectionists, even though I didn’t know that at the time because of John’s image. McCartney went into overworking while my husband went into laziness and disinterest, which was pleasantly being jammed down my throat with images of McCartney arguing to work, while John strummed into nothingness.

During those painful rehearsals, John and McCartney would always go and have a short private talk from which both of them would return equally angry. John was always visibly angry and aggressive, while the other one was passive aggressive like the snake he is.

One of them came back to me with full force, one which I witnessed when they thought no one was around. I never wrote it down in full.

“Why do you keep bringing Yoko with you?”, McCartney and John were standing in the “private” room.

“I dunno. Same reason you brought Linda? To show the fuck off!”, John went mad.

“You would never show off a woman! You always say there is more to a girl's girl! So, tell me why, John?”, McCartney most of the time fluttered his eyes when trying to pry.

“You forgot who you’re fucking talking to Paul.”, John was defensive and boiling from anger while trying to control it.

 “Snap out of it, Lennon! Where is the lovely John I knew during the fifties? Who gave a shit!”

“Stuck in Strawberry Fields, musty gel quiff, overheating and asphyxiating in his stupid teddy boy getup. He is dead for all I know.”, John looked him straight in the eyes.

“You are avoiding the goddamn question Lennon.”, McCartney returned the favor.

“But I answered it!”, John shrugged and smiled.

McCartney pinned my husband to the wall. Tension reaches its boiling point, Lennon staring him down, huffing from anger, McCartney being cold and strong with his laser focus on my husband's eyes.

“You know what the hell I’m talking about smartass!”

My husband creeped awfully close to McCartney’s face… McCartney took on a heat red color.

“Maybe if we didn’t work like slaves in this sweatshop… Maybe if Brian wasn’t dead and kept you in check… Maybe if you for once listened to my suggestions too, not wanting to… I dunno, ask a third party which I won’t mention here because they are close to your heart… Maybe I wouldn’t bring Yoko around as my stress ball.”, John trailed around the room looking McCartney in the eyes.

“Oh, poor Lennon, being stressed because of his own stupid mistakes! Having a clear solution given to him in 1968! Having a perfect chance to do something with his fucking life: to not be a burden on the third party he won’t mention out of pity for himself! No wonder I don’t ask you for anything anymore! You have taken everything away from me.”

McCartney was by this point bawling.

“Still spewing the same bullshit during those ten days. For me it was becoming more clear I had to continue.”

“And I’m using that too, I truly am trying to work with you. I am trying, John.”, McCartney tried to pull himself together to no avail.

“Without you, Paul, without you… It’s clear now.”

He caressed McCartney’s face in a brotherly way.

“John… You’ll see that I’ll leave first.”

“I know. I know that well.”, my husband let out a tear, “You have to get yourself together, Paul, we have more stuff to shoot and rehearse…”

“You don’t need to remind me, John, you really don’t, I know that much better than you.”, McCartney rested his head on my husband’s shoulder.

They stared into the abyss that was the window. I went back to the main room forgetting what I was doing. They didn’t come back for the next fifteen minutes.

The same thousand yard stare was present in John watching what felt like a painstakingly long movie. When it was time for the concert his eyes were full of tears. He loved that concert even if it was huddled in the lowest point of his mental health. He was joyful, he was hopeful, he forgot what it felt to play live. McCartney singing made us both tear up… The songs he played were one of a kind and I’ll always respect him for that. John knew that none of the other members went to see the movie. His glasses glistened with tears. My hair got in my eyes. I wanted to hide. I was glad we were out of the toxic hands of McCartney’s overwork schedule yet looking back... He left for nothing. He left and didn’t feel proud. He left and made an album at his house, not even a studio... 

John was hiding behind his hair too. He was reaching out for McCartney’s face. He was weeping, he was splitting. The movie was over and we didn’t wait any longer to get the hell out of the theatre.

Jann and Jane were sad and shocked. They saw us cry for the first time. But they did not know what sight awaited us.

John was brushing his tears constantly trying to stop crying, not succeeding. Again and again he would dry his tears, but his face would be wet. His eyes were red, his movement stiff, his face filled with worry and regret, his mind going to some other place.

“I’m sorry.”, Jann said, “We shouldn’t have brought you to the cinema… I feel so guilty.”

“No… It’s fine.”, John tried to play it cool, but his red and tearstained face said more than his words.

“It’s a great loss to music…”, Jane muttered, “I see that you think that too.”

“John really needs to spend some time away from them.”, I sniffled, “Some time. I did not want to make you breakup… It was your band, remember?”

I looked him in the eyes.

“I know, Yoko, I know.”, he kisses me on the lips. His lips were salty and warm.

We found a lonely bench somewhere in a city park and huddled in a foursome. Staring into the starry sky.

“You know, Paul and I used to stare into the sky together… We even had a star.”

“What star?”, Jann asked.

“It’s a secret, love.”, John smiled into the darkness. 

“He told me that too, so you aren’t missing much.”, I joked.

John was in awe of the sky this night. Running away again.

“We passed the audition, but gave up.”, John referenced his joke.

John became absent, which was rare when I was around. Me and the pair talked while he hummed something. Only one part of him knew how to put me on hold and that was… Someone I didn’t see for a good while. Someone I kind of miss when John begins to malfunction. John struggled out of the group after a while when he calmed down.

“Thank you, that helped.”, he told our friends, “Should we head back to the hotel?”

“We should.”, Jann agreed, “And sincere condolences for the movie.”

“No condolences needed, love.”, John smiled feeling sad for all of us.

We headed back to the car, the pair leading the way, leaving John and me a bit behind. 

“John is a fast walker so what is happening?”, I asked myself, “Could it be?”

“Yoko. I need to be serious for a moment.”

This isn’t John serious, John serious doesn’t mean getting awfully quiet and slow.

“Okay, what do you want to tell me, John?”

“I…”, he took me by the hand, “You know when Paul and I fought and he mentioned ‘68?”

“You told me that in 1968. Paul and you had a fight about Julia.”

John gulped.

“See, the reason why Paul was so, um, adamant about Julia was…”

“He liked Julia. That was reason! That was fucking reason for hell we went through!”, I thought.

“He loved her.”

“I cannot believe that man! You made your choice, John, why did he force that on you so much!”

John stopped me from ranting further.

“I’m not finished, Yoko.”

My heart skipped.

“I…”

“Oh god, please no. Love songs upon love songs… All written for… Were all of them written for…”, my mind got more and more occupied with bad thoughts.

“You loved him.”

“loved him for a while.”, he finished at the same time I said my conclusion.

“And when did you want to tell me this? Never! You! I accept you! I love you! And you betray me! Why, John, why?”

“I love you too!”, he hugged me, “I do. I had to tell you now. I couldn’t tell you when the Beatles were together, because of Paul! And I couldn’t get to tell you during April and May. I was depressed! You couldn’t see that!”

“I see that! I see! I feel! I am human too! I am wife! I make everything good for you! I try! I try my hardest to make John happy!”, I was losing my speech, I was losing my marbles, I was crying.

“You’re right…”

“Are you leaving me for that pushover! That no good McCartney! Are you leaving me! Are you?”

“No.”, he bit his lip and sorrowfully caressed my face like he did Paul’s, “I cannot ruin your life too. I ruined Cyn and Julian’s. I’m not ruining yours and mine.”

“Julia… You would leave… I know you would… You’re just lying!”, I screamed at her.

Julia, or the “real” part of John would always look at me neutral instead of lovey dovey like him. Although she is always welcome, I liked John a bit more. She never seemed to mind that.

“No, I am keeping him with you.”, she chuckled, “You’re silly, Yoko.”

She twirled my hair with her iconic melancholic look.

“I am not silly! I am serious.”

“I am not leaving, you are crucial to John’s survival.”, Julia laughed, “And I am serious. Just in a John way.”

“You're confusing.”, I started to calm down, “Great to see you still exist, Julia.”

“We are close hip to hip, but great to see you too, Yoko. Jules is fine also.”

Got a point there.

“You were in denial for so long I didn’t see you that much.”

“John would be very very sad if I showed meself.”

“We can be sad together.”, I offered.

“Now that both John and I are sad, it means that I can sort some things out… John is so unbreakable I sometimes forget he needs to act like a human.”

“He is… He is…”, I sniffled, “He is not some kind of idea. I wouldn’t marry him and be stuck with you too…”

“We are the same person are we not?”, she was being a smartass.

I was silent; were they really?

“Speechless huh?”, she smiled more.

“John was in denial, while you were fully aware of the feelings you felt”, I made a theory, “Before this year I used to see you a lot more… I mean, I know how you work Julia, I know when you become John and vice versa, but I never saw John switch for the past half a year.”

“Become? What… I was just… Being myself.”, she was thinking out loud, “Um, Yoko, I dunno, maybe it was my defense mechanism to remain like John for months on end.”

“I adore John. I do. But… He needs to relax. He needs to cry, and you are not letting him do that. Let him be vulnerable when he needs to! When he was today, because of his buildup, he couldn’t help wiping off his tears, in the meantime ruining your precious hard work or makeup. Imagine if our friends saw you, thankfully for you it's dark. You were lucky.”

“More like having the luck of the Irish.”, that response made me jab her softly on the shoulder.

She played with my hair… We continued walking.

“You plan to stay like this?”, I asked.

“I do. I am tired of being John Lennon for half a year.”

She held my hand close to her. That was the quality of my partner, even though it looked like John on the outside it would be obvious to me by the mannerisms that it was Julia, an overly sensitive, talkative, sarcastic and lovable woman.

The pair arrived at the car and they showed us to go faster.

“Couldn’t you have picked a better moment, Lennon?”

“That was the best moment to tell you, I wouldn’t have told you otherwise.”

“Maybe it sounds to you like normal talk…”

I ruffled her hair.

“At least you told me.”, I was thankful.

We went inside the car. The lights were dim and I fell asleep immediately. Julia’s lap was a very comfortable spot to lie on. I always wondered if she wanted to be a man from the beginning… I mean, who in their right mind would, if they were rejected from many bands run by men, conclude pretending to be a man to form a band is better than just waiting for the women to show interest? Was he the physical image for an escape from reality? She is a perfectionist in the same way as my husband but more… Stubborn. McCartney and even John could ask for help, but Julia… Julia would never let anyone tamper with her ideas and ideals, especially John (even though I consider him his own thing). Except me. Privilege carries between them… Though I wonder, does love count too?

I wake up to find Julia bent over waving a hand in front of me.

“Wakey wakey, wifey. We have arrived.”, the whole car chuckled.

“John, you are a pleasure.”, Jane commented.

“See you then tomorrow, we have so much to show you.”, Jann said.

“See ya.”, Julia went outside, opening the door for me.

“Ladies first.”, she giggled.

“You are all smiley.”, I added.

We went inside the hotel, Julia for the first time in forever, undressing after me. Usually she would go when I wasn’t looking so it felt like John was always there lurking, even in bed. I felt great but I felt like he was trapped. She relaxed in a chair.

“Why do you let me influence you?”, I questioned, my curiosity piqued.

“Scared I’ll disappear too early?”, she asked.

“Answer with an answer, Lennon.”

“Hm, I like that you can keep John safe and sterile.”, she admitted.

I was shocked by her statement! But that was Julia, Julia was always so out of the box.

“You don’t think I’m breaking any molds? I want to do the opposite!”, I was uncomfortable.

“No, no, your work is great, just John needs an anchor and you fit the description. Also, safe and sterile doesn’t mean not socially active, just not as impulsive as most of the times during Beatles.”

“You’re impulsive? But you seem so calm and collected?”

“I am… Everything is based on a hunch. That’s how I write.”, she explained, “I had a hunch that Beatles were going to break up because of me, I had a hunch you would keep John on the right track, I had a hunch that Cyn will be better off without John and I had a hunch I had to continue pretending I was John all those years ago. Gosh, for how long now… Thirteen years. Wow.”, she stopped, “I’m old.”

I laughed, “No, you’re just right. And if you are, then what am I? A grandma?”

“Always liked older women-”

“Oh, stop it!”, I pinch her cheek half seriously.

“Exactly why you can tend to Johnny boy. You’re not afraid of pushing the limit. I love that about ya.”

I blushed without realizing then. I realized moments later when I began stumbling over my words.

“Um, thank you- for noticing. Only normal for me.”

We were quiet for a moment, while Julia grabbed a book to read.

“What did you think of me when I met John… When we first met…”

“I thought you were a great gal doing her own thing and surviving in a man’s world.”, she gazed into my eyes, “Also that you are a very capable and funny person.”

I was proud.

“What did you think of me, darling?”, she asked me.

“I thought you were the wrong Beatle. I wanted to meet McCartney, instead I ended up with you of all people. Then, I didn’t know about Julia so I thought you were more than you show and was I ever so right.”

“Tsk, tsk, I am always the right Beatle.”, she scoffed like she hadn’t heard my answer a hundred times, “I asked for plain me.”

I remembered the moment when John told me about Julia.

“I told you then… You revealing your photos, your clothes, your books, your feelings made me conclude that being with John was going to be more interesting. Your presentation is always so grand.”

“Thank you, oh Yoko.”, she told me.

Another small pause. She got her pair of cat-eye glasses and began reading. I stopped her with a serious question:

“Were McCartney and you ever together?”

She closed the book and plainly said,

“Yes.”

“How long?”

“Seven years.”

My mouth dropped. McCartney and Lennon were together even though Lennon was married.

“Wait, wait, Julia, how were you two together when John was married to Cynthia? You are a cheater!”

Julia was heartbroken.

“I realized that a bit too late. For the public it was two different people so it didn’t matter but… It was so fucked up. Exactly why I ruined Cyn’s life. She even knew it and let me do it. Because she had John.”

“Julia. I am now dead serious. Are you going to do that to me?”

Julia’s usual poker face disappeared.

“I don’t love him anymore. I got over him.”, Julia was depressed.

I embraced her.

“Look, if you are still bummed about him and his plans, you can always write about that alright… Your venting to me about Paul has gained a new quality to it.”, I sighed.

Julia was always so complicated underneath her songs. I have to admit she is the one in control whenever John is writing.

“I have to get meself together…”, she said under her breath.

“I’ll help you.”, I caressed her face.

“You help enough by just being there.”, she gave me a weak smile.

I sat in her lap. She was comfortable with that.

“You never told me more about yourself, only stuff I’ve seen.”

“You know John well, so you- I’ll stop using this joke.”

She put away the book.

“Ask away.”, she stared at my figure.

“What was the relationship between you and Powell?”

“Us two are best friends.”, she smiled, “She had a soft spot for John so we had an idea to pretend we’re together when I’m him.”

“You mean she liked him.”

“Yeah.”

“So she knew everything you did?”

“John and her were together for so long. Of course she knew.”, she was direct and that hurt. I was… Jealous?

She found that amusing.

“Oh.”, I continued, “Did you sleep with any other women as John?”

Her eyes widened with suppressed laughter.

“I had to because I needed to uphold his image. But I didn’t like any of ‘em. I like men more.”, she collected herself, “Don’t worry, John is just yours. And I’ll tell you if he sleeps with anyone like I told-”

“Powell, who is your best friend still!”, I pouted.

“But who is with John?”

“I am.”

She booped my nose. It was obvious she valued me the same as she valued Powell.

“Did John like McCartney too?”

“Hm… In a small part.”, Julia told me, “I was the one doing the liking mostly.”

My jealousy was worsening.

“Paul was jealous of us for a long time, maybe he still is. Since I broke up with him, left Cyn and got with you, he was unbearable.”

So McCartney was jealous. He didn’t dislike me because of my character, but because I was with Julia all the time. Well, that is so-

I bursted into laughter.

“And he’ll never admit that, that bastard.”, she clucked.

“Guessing he’ll blame everything on me.”

“No, he’ll blame everything on John. Then on you.”, she proposed.

We both laughed.

“Julia, did you ever wish to be just John?”, I asked.

She raised her eyebrow.

“I wouldn't be able to wear me dresses then. And that would suck. Why ask that?”, she looked me up and down.

“Why would you spend so much time as John then?”

She was dumbfounded. It looked like she never asked herself that question.

“Huh… That’s a good question to mull over.”

She put a hand on her chin and looked into the window behind us. She was thinking over everything. She hugged herself with one hand while holding me with the other.

“It would certainly be easier…”, she barely uttered, “Everything would be simpler…”

She glanced into my lips.

“I would be able to be an ideal in full.”, she pressed her lips onto mine.

I succumbed to them. Those tearstained lips felt chapped and rough like John’s. She stopped and charmingly remarked,

“But life is not like that is it?”

I infectiously grinned. She was beaming.

“We should spend more time like this.”, I suggested, “I never get to spend time with happy Julia. Only serious Julia, only Julia that has to deal with John’s problems.”

“Then grab some poetry and let's read together.”, Julia put her book on the bed.

I went to our bookshelf and grabbed some of Oscar Wilde’s poetry. Lennon always had books.

“Oh, good choice.”, she noticed my choice.

I sat on her lap again, making myself comfortable. 

“If you’re now comfortable, choose a poem.”, she opened the page with the names of poems.

“Hm, let’s just start from the beginning and read from there.”, I played with her hair.

“Alright, Yoko.”, she passed a few pages to the first poem, “Ravenna.”

She began reading. Her voice flowed differently than John’s, much more silky and relaxed. She was mesmerizing and showed she cared about making the poem interesting the story beautiful and exciting.

“And England, too, shall glory in her son,

Her warrior-poet, first in song and fight.

No longer now shall Slander's venomed spite

Crawl like a snake across his perfect name,

Or mar the lordly scutcheon of his fame.”

This verse stuck with me… 

She began yawning after ten poems. It was already early morning.

“Looks like the warrior poet lost her stamina.”

“I’m no warrior, maybe a bad poet.”, she hugged me, “We should sleep.”

I went and jumped onto my half. She lied down onto hers.

“Good night, Jules.”, I said her nickname for the first time.

“Good night, raven head. Sweet dreams.”

“When will be the next time?”

“Whenever you want.”

I kissed her.

“Then tomorrow.”

“I thought you’d miss John.”

“We’re helping him.”, I snuggled into her chest.

She was a bit uncomfortable.

“Relax. I’m your wife remember?”

She snorted.

“Yoko, you’re silly.”, she snuggled me further. 

We fell asleep like that. Writing this now, I have a plan. I need to get Julia to let down her walls so John could be more truthful to me… He needs to heal. And knowing her and fixing her is the only way. I wonder where Jules would like to go out the most, maybe she made a plan already…

Rest of Sacrifame

𝟏𝟗𝟔𝟑.

𝓨𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓕𝓸𝓻 𝓣𝓱𝓮𝓲𝓻… 𝓒𝓱𝓮𝓶𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓻𝔂?

𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎

Mick Jagger’s Notebook

Writer’s block. Fuck me! Just as we were beginning to write nice bops, shit, we don’t click for several days and write absolute bullcrap while we're at it. Fuck this problem. And then, I fucking look over there at Parlophone and The goddamn Beatles are doing just swell! Lennon and McCartney lounging away their greedy and prissy asses, writing some new schlop the audience will like. They look like they always click!

“Fuck them.”

“Mick, don’t beat yourself up. They suck, but we could steal a trick or two from ‘em? Whatcha say?”

“Huh, not bad Richards.”

At least we function as friends. Maybe those two aren’t that friendly with each other outside the studio. 

Whenever we visit, they are welcoming. Of course. They always act like they are bigger than us. Currently, yes, but in the future, I hope not.

Paul McCartney was fake one hundred percent of the time. He had that unnatural kindness that didn’t sit right with me. It looked like we were foremost rivals and enemies. Still, he was polite enough. I respect him. Though, he would get irritated by me, which I am extremely proud of, but never seemed to make a fuss about it. Wonder why?

Meanwhile, his more sincere and head in the clouds best friend, John Lennon, always told us where we stand. Sometimes he’d feel like helping us, sometimes he would tell us to “bugger off”, but Keith and I knew he meant it. He was patient with us and had a fascination with our attempts to get information from him. 

The most important fact about them was that they really respected each other and did so many things together. And I need that with Keith, I need that thing that they do!

So I explained the situation to Lennon, because he was easier to talk to. With McCartney, it was much more work. 

“Oh, so you and Keith cucked out-”

And I regretted it immediately.

“Because you are too afraid.”

He winked.

“Me and Paul aren’t afraid of the press that much.”

“Lennon, I don’t know if you’re messing with me! The Beatles are going with the “good boy” aesthetic. We are the “bad boys” here. Of course we have it harder. The press ain’t pretty.”

He chuckled some more.

“Are we really that good?”, he blurted out, “Or…”

“Give me throwaway advice at least. Not this shit.”

“Okay, Jagger, if ya want to!”, he joked.

“Tell me what you and McCartney do when you’re out of sync.”

“We take some time off and do something fun? Drink. Fun with our birds? Then get back to the studio and write. Simple as that. Take a break, Mick.”

I don’t want to take a break, he is saying that because he wants us to fail and for them to have the monopoly.

“Do you have a quicker fix?”

Lennon rolled his eyes and chuckled.

“Dunno.”

Then he got extremely serious, checking for something. He got close to my ear.

“Then sleep with each other, what can I say?”

“What the fuck, John?”

“You need that intimacy and truthfulness to yourselves? Then explore.”

He was on the brink of bursting from laughter.

I was dumbfounded.

“You know, only lovers can be in sync most of the time. If you really think Macca and I are trying to undermine you and are in sync all the time, then it could only mean that we’re queer.”

“You git!”,  fuckin’ stupid joke making me laugh.

“And you know Macca, even though you know what rumor goes around for taller people’s peckers, he is packing-”, he said it disproportionately loud.

God, hahhahahaahhaah!

“You. You, Lennon, are getting on me nerves.”

“Oh, boohoo, the princess can’t take one single joke.”, he cracked a smile.

“Oh, I can take one, but can you take my pack?”

OH, FUUUUCK!

“No, Paul didn’t say what I think he did!”, I exploded into giggles. Wish the boys were here to hear this line of dialogue.

Lennon did not take that well. He was full of rage and defeat but… like always Lennon had a trick up his sleeve. 

“Only with frosting and cherry on top.”

Now they were both angry, so in sync.

“Really, I thought you liked it raw?”, McCartney is in a good mood for a joke today. Fun. Their conversation had a clear story. Maybe Keith and I should try something similar.

“No, not really, Paulie, I like it safe and sound.”, he winked, “Whatever, I am not coming in anytime soon.”

Paul chuckled.

“They called you for tuning. Tried to find you, saw you hanging out with our fierce competition.”, and welcome back, McCart, glad to see you are once again barely acknowledging my existence.

“Not even a hello for the rival?”, I joked.

He rolled his eyes.

“Hello, Mick Jagger. Johnny, go.”

He chuckled.

“Go, Johnny, go!”, what an awful pun. Don’t know if Lennon’s or his are worse.

“Alright, princess.”, he disappeared into the studio.

As McCartney was about to tinker with some tech I interrupted him,

“McCartney, do you have some advice for getting in sync? Lennon told me some bull, so I am asking the straightman here.”

Paul laughed.

“The straightman, alright.”, is he willing to share with me some advice? Unusual.

“What did John tell you?”

“To fuck? That is what you two do!”

“Oh, that man is surely getting beaten up today.”, Paul was fuming, “Did he tell you something else or just fucked with you? I know very well how and when he likes to do- I’m setting up myself aren’t I?”

That was worth a chuckle. 

“He told me to take a break.”

“And what great advice he gave you. We always do that.”, Paul looked proud for a second, “And he should’ve stopped fucking there!”

Can’t hear the word normally now.

“GOD! Get that picture out of your head, Jagger!”

“The princess doesn’t want to be stripped further.”, Lennon walks back in and continues the game.

“And you don’t want to be punished further.”, McCartney wasn't letting go. They were stubborn as hell.

“We are going in circles with this thing.”, Lennon noticed, “Mick, the two of us are very grateful for your fun with this topic, and now listen; you don’t need a Lennon or a McCartney to tell you what’s best. You have to, y’know-”

John grabbed me strongly by the shoulders.

“Feel it.”

“And think it through.”, Paul added.

“Concluding stuff in that way.”, John ended.

That’s a nice tip.

“That’s gear, thanks.”

“We’ll be going to the studio now. Got to get some shit recorded. Let’s go Paul, and bye rivaaaal!”, Lennon waved and went.

“Bye.”, McCartney followed him.

“Goodbye, Beat less.”

I heard a small whisper from McCartney, “We just helped our competition.”

“Let ‘em at it. They need to learn and grow. Then we wouldn’t have fun-”, and I got too far away.

They really look at us in that way, huh.

Keith and I took their advice to heart and it helped us a lot. We did our own thing. Took breaks sometimes. When we felt something we wrote it down. It really was that easy. And of course we “had to” thank the snide buggers for helping us. But, we wanted to add a little twist to it; mostly because of Lennon’s love for a good joke.

We two went into EMI to check on them. Harrison and Starr were in the studio as per usual. Harrison gave us some biscuits. He had three tins. Three tins.

“One is never enough when John or Ringo are near. Especially Johnny.”

“Still three fucking tins?”

“When you mention fucking, my dear Richards, I remember we had a session last night?”

“Who practices at-”, Starr questioned, “Oh, oh!”

Starr chuckled.

“You gits are lying!”, Lennon walked in.

“Why would sugarplum and I lie?”, Keith my brother.

“OH MY GOD, you madmen!”, Lennon giggled.

“Why would you do that?”, Harrison put away his biscuits.

“Him and McCartney do it? We wanted to thank you because of that. Worked like a charm.”

“John is a big goofball, you are fools for trusting his advice.”, Harrison ate a biscuit, “Want one, John?”

“Yeah.”, he bit the biscuit and talked with his mouth full, “Glad that worked out for you.”

“What happened?”, McCartney entered in a hurry, “We need to start recording.”

“Oh, they did it.”

“Richards and Jagger did what?”

“They explored each other.”

“OH MY LORD.”, Paul gasped, “Good for you.”

Thumbs up.

“Are you stupid? We wouldn’t do queer stuff. And you never denied doing that yourself didn’t you Lennon?”

“I don’t know Jagger, why would you want that to be true?”

Ooh, this is a new kind of self centered I haven’t encountered.

“Nice joke.”, McCartney clapped.

“Now, can you please get out and let us practice?”, Lennon panicked?

“Nervous?”, Keith asked.

McCart and Lennon were embarrassed. Starr and Harrison were begging us with their faces to end this mockery. We won!

“Stop that blasphemy, sugar plums and darlings, and tell us why you are here?”, Paul joked with us in a pleasant way.

“It really worked, the advice you gave us. Taking breaks and such. Thanks, Lennon. Had to give you something extra in return.”

“Oh, you nasty cunts!”, Lennon roared at us with glee, “That was fun.”

“Oh, for Lennon to say it was fun, must’ve been something.”, Keith commented.

I agree.

“That fool is quite easily entertained.”, McCartney scoffed.

“Of course, that’s why you are my songwriting partner.”

McCartney chuckled, “Yeah, to take care of your little messes, like this one.”

“No mess here.”, Keith simply said.

“Yeah, we aren’t a mess.”, I added.

“God… Why do I have to deal with you and Decca.”, McCart sighed.

And that was our cue to go. Not really fun when our rivals want to beat us, but literally. I would like to do that someday, but currently for our image, not anytime soon.

“Bye then The Schmeatles.”, I said.

“See you later, The Rooling Bones.”, Lennon greeted us.

Those two really are special in some way. Lenin and McCart. Funny. Two outlandish Liverpudlians writing good sounding pieces in five minutes. Well, we’ll get there faster for sure.

For now we should celebrate that we bested them in something for the time being. Maybe we are in sync but in a different way than them… 

Rest of Sacrifame

𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀

𝙈𝘼𝙄𝙉 𝙋𝙊𝙎𝙏

“To breach the road I sacrifice a form which holds no device. One day you’ll understand…” - John’s personal diary

Summary

An idea that spiraled out of control and became an act that went on for too long. From a mistake came about a twin tale. A story thought up by a girl who dreamed about making it in the rock world and who would do anything to keep her dream alive in a world that was unaccepting of her vision. Even if it meant pretending for years and years to be someone who she wasn’t. Create a “him” who could do anything and take anything for her. Though, was she ever really pretending or merely entertaining the fact she could be someone else and fully exploiting that position?

The story isn’t chronological and can be read in any order. It happens between 1956. and 1980.

The fanfic is already quite long, clocking in at 83 pages, and will only be longer. I will be uploading it in parts (three at a time) here on Tumblr on a weekly schedule (I will inform you in advance if I will be late next time).

Parts in order of release:

1958. Ain't She Sweet?

1973. How To Tame A Stray

1969. Skipping Practice

I updated with four because "The Scene Is Set!" and "Yearning For Their... Chemistry?" are shorter fics.

1968. Not A Little Kid Anymore

1964. The Scene Is Set!

1963. Yearning For Their... Chemistry?

1975. Go With The Flow

Lack of inspiration leads to late updates, sorry everyone.

1976. Washing The Pain Away

1959. The Fruitless Endeavour

1970. Sincere Condolences To Lennono

i had an idea anyone want to jump onto the crazy ahh bus?

I made a roleplay community where the Rubber Soul era Beatles look through fan works - from art to fanfics - set in modern day hehe.

I am playing John already, who is the admin. I am missing Paul, George and Ringo for the Beatles and if anyone wants to play anyone else (like Brian) they can ask in DM.

Tumblr

There's A Beatles Place • Community on Tumblr

A Beatles roleplay community where the Rubber Soul era Beatles try to answer your questions and review your works - be it art or fics - set

testing my new alcohol markers

i am collecting them like pokemons

by drawing my favourite RPF

(literally gossipy ass bitches)

most accurate description ever

damn

John and Paul had the dynamic like, John was looking at Paul as if Paul was was the most beautiful thing he ever laid his eyes on, and Paul was struggling with his fake obliviousness until he couldn't and stole a glance back, smiling ear to ear like a smitten teenage girl. With that being confirmed, John immediately looked away as if he knew if this kept going on they would devour each other.

It was so pure, so cute and idiotic. Like people that are so deeply and blindly in love.