First Name (Theodosia): Closest Is “Fictional Character”: Found The Name Bc Of Hamilton; My Love

Three separate thoughts from recently:

1: I think it’s morbidly funny that I’m less stressed abt the possibility that I get kicked out of the house and my parents (or I) go No Contact when I come out than I am about how I would go about moving the irreplaceable parts of my stuff ahead of that convo or abt how band at Wagner is gonna work.

I feel like I should feel guilty about that fact, but pretty much all of me just… doesn’t, I just feel a sort of quiet resignation towards it. I don’t feel acceptance towards it, bc I certainly wish it could (and would) end in a heel-turn on their part bc “oh shit, our beliefs have consequences on a personal level now”, but I’ve resigned myself to the almost-certainty that that won’t happen (at least not immediately).

2: Having committed to social transition, I recently passed the point in hair growth by which I usually would’ve gotten it cut. It’s led to a moment of “this is unusual, but I like it…” a few times when looking at myself in the mirror. Funnily enough, bc I didn’t stop the barber from trimming the sides the last time, I’ve gotten multiple comments of “you look like you’ve got Trump’s toupee (neutral)” from my parents.

3: However, as I expected (and feared), the dysphoria that manifested in headspace a few weeks ago has begun to show up out of headspace too: The beard sometimes no longer feels pleasant, and as a result I try to minimize acknowledging it. The mustache, which was a squick even before the first hints of dysphoria, now provokes the same feeling of “don’t like this at all” with stubble as it did with the longer, visible hairs that showed prominently after having been allowed to grow out for a week or more.

detransition isn't a mark of failure, it's one that shows you were willing to take a huge step to figure out who you are, and you came out the other side learning something from your experience. it's more important to find that out than to spend the rest of your life wondering, and not knowing

one star magnolia for @punkitt-is-here! they were sooooo fun to draw, i love star motifs so so much :O)

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Look buddy, i’m just trying to make it to Friday.

whats cool about being trans is my parents are totally right. i did kill their beautiful son. im the thing that animates his corpse in an ever more convincing parody of a happy girl. i devoured him from the inside out and now there is nothing left of him and he is dead dead dead and there is only me, with my hollow eyes and dark eyeliner and long hair, and my big smile. my limp, effeminate gestures belie the marionetting of the boy they loved. my fagginess is his death. already his body becomes a fitter home for my parasitism in full; the tits, the hips, the thighs. sorry about your kid. thanks for the biomass <3

Woohoa you look like a woman but you're a man? Epic sauce!

29 Jul. 2023 edit: it was well worth it.

Hey if you’re a trans person who’s in the closet and wants to tell some trusted people who you know for sure will be supportive but you feel really intimated/nervous nonetheless, take this as some inspiration and confidence and a sign to give ripping off that bandaid another try (assuming it is safe and comfortable enough for you to do so; you wouldn’t rip off a real bandaid before the wound was safe from infection, don’t take off this one prematurely either).

I’ve also had a really hard time coming out to people. Not because any of them are unsafe, I’ve gotten incredibly lucky with my friend circle, but because it’s just intimidating and difficult. But this past week, I’ve been pushing myself to do it and it is so rewarding. Having people who know and support you is so special and the way some of them have reacted has just meant the world to me.

So. Don’t put yourself in an unsafe situation and don’t push yourself to do something before you’re truly ready, but if the only thing holding you back is just the intimidation of coming out itself, I say go for it. It’ll be well worth it.

Slumber party