Three Separate Thoughts From Recently:
Three separate thoughts from recently:
1: I think it’s morbidly funny that I’m less stressed abt the possibility that I get kicked out of the house and my parents (or I) go No Contact when I come out than I am about how I would go about moving the irreplaceable parts of my stuff ahead of that convo or abt how band at Wagner is gonna work.
I feel like I should feel guilty about that fact, but pretty much all of me just… doesn’t, I just feel a sort of quiet resignation towards it. I don’t feel acceptance towards it, bc I certainly wish it could (and would) end in a heel-turn on their part bc “oh shit, our beliefs have consequences on a personal level now”, but I’ve resigned myself to the almost-certainty that that won’t happen (at least not immediately).
2: Having committed to social transition, I recently passed the point in hair growth by which I usually would’ve gotten it cut. It’s led to a moment of “this is unusual, but I like it…” a few times when looking at myself in the mirror. Funnily enough, bc I didn’t stop the barber from trimming the sides the last time, I’ve gotten multiple comments of “you look like you’ve got Trump’s toupee (neutral)” from my parents.
3: However, as I expected (and feared), the dysphoria that manifested in headspace a few weeks ago has begun to show up out of headspace too: The beard sometimes no longer feels pleasant, and as a result I try to minimize acknowledging it. The mustache, which was a squick even before the first hints of dysphoria, now provokes the same feeling of “don’t like this at all” with stubble as it did with the longer, visible hairs that showed prominently after having been allowed to grow out for a week or more.
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(head feels like it’s shifted into a noticeably “masculine” space as an effect of wearing that grey coat around everywhere. i think i have to start bringing, like, skirts back into rotation if i want to feel “normal” again, which is to say, if i want my stream of thoughts to stop feeling endlessly “snarky” in a way that does in my heart feel attributable to the grey coat
one could call this negotiation a bit cool & fluid & queer but only insofar as it occurs with respect to a self-perception that would seem in the first place to be gendered to a point of embarrassment, i mean, having my brain affected by a coat)
picks up a jar containing the parenthesized thoughts floating in formaldehyde & inspects it closely… hmm well is it really that bad to be snarky sometimes, what’s the problem
To me, "having made it" as a trans woman isn't passing.
It's about not needing to shave your legs anymore to feel feminine.
It's about not needing to wear makeup anymore to feel feminine.
It's about not worrying about every step or sound you make to make sure you seem feminine.
It's about trying to get your hair to look just right, and instead of thinking "RAAAH NOO!! I'll never pass like this everyone will think I'm a man!", you think "Bleh, bad hair day... Oh well"
It's about feeling feminine no matter what you do, no matter what others think. Especially that last part.
It's about knowing, accepting, deep down, that you are a woman, and nothing you do or don't do will change that fact.
That's when I know I made it.
I love that folks are being more accepting of autism, but I don't love that autism is being sanitized into a quirk.
There's a cute and acceptable form of autism on social media, and I don't see any indication that folks are remotely ready for discussing the rest of it, which contains all the uncomfortable things that impede a person's everyday life, require support, and make acceptance almost impossible—where the hygiene struggles, inappropriate social behaviors, involuntary movements and outbursts, meltdowns, and emotional dependence issues live. And the cuter and more sanitized the "good" autism gets, the more unacceptable the "bad" autism becomes.
“what have you been doing over quarantine?”
well, uh…
happy trans visibility day!!!!!!!!!!
yes I'm now on the other side of top surgery and I'm allowed to lift things again 💪 You might have already seen this one on my substack -- did u know you can subscribe to my substack for early access to comics like this?! Sent directly to your email inbox??? FOR FREE????? (there is also an optional paid tier for exclusive bonus content for five bucks a month but like 80% of my posts will be free and publicly available) ty ily♥
