Tlbhst - Blog Posts

Gender thoughts with no satisfying conclusion :l 

Maybe I like dressing like a pokemon trainer. It's cute

me, 12 years ago when i realized i was trans: ugh woe is me boohoo i don't want to be a tranny that's the worst thing ever me, now: peace and love on planet earth yeah baby woohoo!!!! i love being a tranny this is the best thing ever

In my experience so far, She/Her/Hers had it right when they wrote that,

I will probably harbor some doubts, but mostly I feel fine. // Fuck that, I feel fantastic! I am living with enthusiasm, reckless abandon.

Like, there’s some fear and discomfort wrt whether this is the right choice but that’s bc everything I’m questioning is stuff I’ve never tested. Crossdressing? Hair stuff? It’s all stuff my “1.5in hair and cargo shorts for the last decade” ass has never experimented with.

And if the fact that my brain still lights up most times someone calls me Theo despite having had that happen constantly for a month, and the fact that I’m really liking some of the experiments I’m already doing with my hair (bangs), and the recession of longstanding confidence issues timed coincidentally with getting to college and flipping to testing this out almost-completely-publicly is any indication, then crossdressing and real hair experimentation is going to be euphoric.

(Also finding out SHH released another version of that song last year almost made me tear up bc holy shit the contrast w/ the lead having started (finished?) voice feminization)

transness is about shaping yourself in ways that make you fall in love with yourself, it is not defined by dysphoria or discomfort- you don't have to carry misery around with you forever.

First entry in a while, huh?

I hit a local barbershop on Monday and got my beard shaved off. Looking in the mirror for the next day or 2 kept making 🎶the person in the mirror isn’t me🎶 pop into my head, but since that’s passed, I think it was a reaction to not having that level of protection from weight shit (since that aspect is still here) and not a bad reaction to taking the next step in social transition.

Still dreading the inevitable coming out convo w/ my parents, and still stressing over writing the transname letter to my profs, but nothing so far is dissuading me from transition: I felt (and still actively feel) happier than (almost certainly) I felt all summer. I think this is the right choice, I just need to get over non-trans-related appearance fears to be really happy.

Three separate thoughts from recently:

1: I think it’s morbidly funny that I’m less stressed abt the possibility that I get kicked out of the house and my parents (or I) go No Contact when I come out than I am about how I would go about moving the irreplaceable parts of my stuff ahead of that convo or abt how band at Wagner is gonna work.

I feel like I should feel guilty about that fact, but pretty much all of me just… doesn’t, I just feel a sort of quiet resignation towards it. I don’t feel acceptance towards it, bc I certainly wish it could (and would) end in a heel-turn on their part bc “oh shit, our beliefs have consequences on a personal level now”, but I’ve resigned myself to the almost-certainty that that won’t happen (at least not immediately).

2: Having committed to social transition, I recently passed the point in hair growth by which I usually would’ve gotten it cut. It’s led to a moment of “this is unusual, but I like it…” a few times when looking at myself in the mirror. Funnily enough, bc I didn’t stop the barber from trimming the sides the last time, I’ve gotten multiple comments of “you look like you’ve got Trump’s toupee (neutral)” from my parents.

3: However, as I expected (and feared), the dysphoria that manifested in headspace a few weeks ago has begun to show up out of headspace too: The beard sometimes no longer feels pleasant, and as a result I try to minimize acknowledging it. The mustache, which was a squick even before the first hints of dysphoria, now provokes the same feeling of “don’t like this at all” with stubble as it did with the longer, visible hairs that showed prominently after having been allowed to grow out for a week or more.

I’m eternally grateful for the response I got from a group of my friends I came out to, and I’m certain I’m as grateful -frankly, probably moreso- for the unanimous ‘we completely understand and agree with why you want to keep this private’ that I got than I am for the fact that it didn’t end my friendship with any of them and I was (and am) right to assume they’d accept me.

I think that 2023 is a good time for many of us, and allies in particular, to practice again the dying art of minding our own fucking business when it comes to the identities and lives of other people.

You see someone from one of your classes in a public place with a different gender presentation/expression than they typically have? Mind your own business.

You discover that one of your coworkers is in a same gender relationship, but they aren't out at work? Not your place to share that information in the workplace.

You notice that your neighbor in a red state takes a road trip across state lines with their transgender child every 3-6 months? No you fucking didn't.

You overhear students in your classroom using a different name and different pronouns for one student than you are used to using? If you live in a state hostile to trans rights, pretend that you don't know anything about this and report nothing.

You suspect that an acquaintance of yours might be gay, but they deny it when asked directly? Leave them the fuck alone.

One of your friends refuses to publicly label their sexuality? Good for them, you aren't entitled to that information anyway.

Your sibling comes out to you as questioning, but isn't comfortable sharing that with your parents yet? Keep your fucking mouth shut.

Don't out people; coming out is a personal choice not a moral obligation. Don't demand personal information about other people's sexuality or sex lives. You aren't entitled to information about anyone's gender identity, assigned gender at birth, or transition.

Bring back privacy, allow people to have control over the information that is shared about them publicly; it might save their job, their housing, their parental rights and their child's safety, or even save lives.

I feel like I should be mildly concerned that I seem to have a newfound aversion to seeing myself in the mirror while in headspace because, so far, gender-related things happening in headspace presage those same things happening out of headspace. Kinda feels like my history of not having dysphoria might be coming to an end, and I’m mostly wondering if it’s bc I finally started social transition…

whats cool about being trans is my parents are totally right. i did kill their beautiful son. im the thing that animates his corpse in an ever more convincing parody of a happy girl. i devoured him from the inside out and now there is nothing left of him and he is dead dead dead and there is only me, with my hollow eyes and dark eyeliner and long hair, and my big smile. my limp, effeminate gestures belie the marionetting of the boy they loved. my fagginess is his death. already his body becomes a fitter home for my parasitism in full; the tits, the hips, the thighs. sorry about your kid. thanks for the biomass <3

It was never quite 'I wish I was a girl' but I vividly remember 'this [closet-watching mlp and wishing I could join the girls in my class in talking about it] would be so much easier if I were a girl.’

To the 4th-grader thinking that, who I think would fill the kindergartener's slot in this comic, I have so much I wish I could say to you, on this and other topics.

I avoided mlp for years, was always told to never touch it, I watched and instantly hit with inability to refute "I wish I was a girl."

HAGLJKHFJGHSFKHGJKGHSFJKGHKFHGJKFSHGKSFHGKJSHGJKSFHGKJFHG

The fact that I still have facial hair is a CRIME I need someone to scorched earth this shit.

29 Jul. 2023 edit: it was well worth it.

Hey if you’re a trans person who’s in the closet and wants to tell some trusted people who you know for sure will be supportive but you feel really intimated/nervous nonetheless, take this as some inspiration and confidence and a sign to give ripping off that bandaid another try (assuming it is safe and comfortable enough for you to do so; you wouldn’t rip off a real bandaid before the wound was safe from infection, don’t take off this one prematurely either).

I’ve also had a really hard time coming out to people. Not because any of them are unsafe, I’ve gotten incredibly lucky with my friend circle, but because it’s just intimidating and difficult. But this past week, I’ve been pushing myself to do it and it is so rewarding. Having people who know and support you is so special and the way some of them have reacted has just meant the world to me.

So. Don’t put yourself in an unsafe situation and don’t push yourself to do something before you’re truly ready, but if the only thing holding you back is just the intimidation of coming out itself, I say go for it. It’ll be well worth it.