Latest Posts by zhylik - Page 3
au! where margo is a high king of fillory and fen is her loyal knightess. and her lover.
the secret history by donna tartt (1992)
so my mom finally finished reading the secret history and the first thing she said was «they're all such idiots»
couldn't agree more, mom
can we please just admit that zelda praying to lilith is the top of homoerotism
«наноси свою самую темную помаду так, как будто никто не смотрит, притворяйся холодной и независимой, проходя через университетские коридоры, говори с друзьями на древнегреческом, надевай черное пальто и танцуй в пустом зале».
wholesome student life things that we should collectively start romancizing
waking up and being genuinely thrilled to go to class because today is THAT CLASS you love so much you’d like it to never end
coffee breaks with friends, chatting and joking about this particularly hard essay and the prof’s mannerism
coffee breaks on your own, as you absent-mindedly watch the people around you, while thinking about what you’re working on
finding this book you’ve been dying to read for so long, and borrowing it from the library
the feeling of excitement that goes through you whenever you remember The Book is in your backpack
understanding everything during demanding classes and being genuinely interested in the subject
buying a New Special Pen and taking colorful notes that look super pretty
not being able to shut up about your school projects (no your friends dont really care about the intricate details of what you’re working on, they don’t even have the same major as you, but they’re happy to hear you rant with such a burning passion)
actually doing the extra reading and having your curiosity so piqued by what you’re reading that you go on and on and suddenly its 1am and what happened
printing the project you’ve spent so much time and energy on and feeling the paper’s warmth
actually submitting that project without feeling awful about it because you know you did your best and aren’t responsible for what happens next
when you finally finish this Super Hard And Important Essay at like 3am, open the window and feel the cold night air on your burning cheeks and everything is dark and quiet and you can see the moon and you’re at peace with everything for a few minutes
when this professor you admire says you did a great job and/or that you’re talented!!!!
realizing two concepts that seemed so far away from each other and that you discovered in wildly different contexts are actually interlinked, then Realizing™ things and linking concepts/works/articles to each other at the speed of light & being super excited about it
being so deeply immersed in your work that you didn’t realize two hours have passed
finding the Perfect Spot at the library
that Pure Joy moment when you FINALLY understand that super obscure sentence/text
when you feel anxious because you’re not done with your homework & the deadline is super tight & your friend tells you they aren’t done yet either
same but with an even more intense relief feeling when you realize you both haven’t even started yet
when the professor starts a new reasoning and you can predict what the next idea/the final conclusion will be
when the professor mention your favorite novel/author/fictional character in class and you feel like your internal screech of joy could shatter glass
the Academic Salt™ that has you like 👀👀
when the professor tears apart an author or scholar you hate and you’re like YES I WANT BLOOD GIVE ME BLOOD
when you learn that Cool New Fact that makes you reconsider your whole life
leaving the library after a long productive day and feeling like nothing is real but experiencing everything more intensely
leaving the library at night after a long study session and everybody has left already and its just you and the long neon-lit corridors then stepping outside and smelling the crisp night wind
feel free to add your own!!!
“I know, I know, but hear me out. You read The Idiot, right? Right. Well, ‘Idiot’ was a very disturbing book to me. In fact it was so disturbing I have never really read very many fictions after, apart from Dragon Tattoo kind of thing. Because” - I was trying to interject - “well, maybe you can tell me about that later, what you thought, but let me tell you why I found it disturbing. Because all Myshkin ever did was good…unselfish…he treated all persons with understanding and compassion and what resulted from this goodness? Murder! Disaster! I used to worry about this a lot. Lie awake at night and worry! Because - why? How could this be? I read that book like three times, thinking I wasn’t understanding right. Myshkin was kind, loved by everyone, he was tender, always forgave, he never did a wrong thing - but he trusted all the wrong people, made all bad decisions, hurt everyone around him. Very dark message to this book. ‘Why be good’. But - this is what took hold on me last night, riding here in the car. What is - is more complicated than that? What if maybe opposite is true as well? Because, if bad can sometimes come from good actions - ? where does it ever say, anywhere, that only bad can come from bad actions? Maybe sometimes - the wrong way is the right way? You can take the wrong path and it still comes out where you want to be? Or, spin it another way, sometimes you can do everything wrong and it still turns out to be right?”
The Goldfinch, Donna Tartt
dropping out of university is ok. joining some weird group to study greek is ok. taking part in a bacchanal is ok. accidentally killing a random farmer is ok. planning to run away to uruguay is ok. murdering one of your friends is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
* rereading the secret history and kinda thinking about calling my cat francis *
i am afraid of love,
of hurting people, of breaking their hearts and leaving them. it feels like i’m not capable of loving someone for a long time and i can’t do anything about it — i just have to wake up every morning, knowing that my feelings are slowly fading, until one day i open my tired eyes and understang — all i feel is an eternal emptiness in my chest.
‘i don’t love you anymore,’ i say quietly into the darkness.
‘please, stay. we can still make it work. we are a perfect couple. i love you.’
‘no,’ i reply with a cold voice. it hurts, and i can’t handle it. i am sorry. i am sorry. i am so fucking sorry.
i can’t afford to love someone anymore — it would be incredibly cruel to them.
marina tsvetaeva and sergey efron; 1911, 1914.
concept: chaotic academia
it’s not as pretty and put together as dark academia
you’re wearing two cardigans, mismatched socks and some jeans that are bordering on “just about clean enough”. nothing will stand between you and your next cup of tea/coffee/hot chocolate and adding extra sugar.
emptying your pockets at the end of the day and coming to a total of four pens, a pocket notebook, two receipts, and a highlighter.
your hair keeps falling in your face. you use a rubber band to tie it back. your fringe falls in your face. a paperclip is used to keep it back for the next ten minutes. you probably need a haircut.
the floor is the best place to study. there are so many books and pages of notes scattered around that the carpet can’t be seen anymore.
a rush before you leave class. your ID? got it. keys? got them. wait, where did your ID go again..? did you put your phone in your backpack or in any of the nine pockets on your person.
trash is piled up neatly in the corner, ready to be put into a rubbish bag and taken out. you’ll do it tomorrow, you say. you said the exact same thing last week.
you’re typing and you miss a letter. you go back to fix it. you miss a different letter. you go back to fix it. somehow you have fewer letters than you started with. you take it as a sign to take a break.
it’s time for a quick break. half an hour later you realise that you still haven’t gone back to work. Whoops.
being a russian and trying to be a part of the dark academia community is HARD
the first snow comes in the middle of october and it’s a harsh winter from november to the end of march, so you have to wear ugly jackets and a million layers of clothes if you want to make it to spring. wanna be aesthetic and mysterious, wearing turtlenecks, a coat and a nice pair of shoes? well, dying of pneumonia is also very romantic. [keep yourself warm, please]
sometimes i think about gay people who lived centuries ago who thought they were all alone who imagined a world where they could live openly as themselves who met in secret spoke in code defied everything and everyone just to exist and i’m like..i gotta sit down. whew i gotta sit down
[oh how fast the evening passes
cleaning up the champagne glasses]
Jeffrey Star has all this money and still dresses like shit and is the ugliest person I’ve ever seen
3.03 | 4.06
You’re beautiful.
actual footage of me post-season two trying to figure out who ISNT related at this point:
Dark fandom having an existential and collective crisis?
Seems like it.
Honestly? They didn’t just fuck over Q, they fucked over pretty much all of them.
They fucked over Margo. Margo who had the whole arc about her inner strength, who gave up her fucking crown, who picked black sand for days on end. Margo who would kill and die for her best friend, her soul mate. They had her watch a fish. When everything was going down she was stuck watching a goddamn fish. Fish who was Josh, who was artificially forced into a relationship with her. Want to know a harsh truth? Margo would let him die if it meant keeping El safe.
They fucked over Alice. Alice who spent the first part of the season trying to figure out herself. Who went out of her mother’s shadow, who tried so hard to do good with her magic. Who needed to forgive herself. But she wasn’t allowed to figure out who she is outside of her relationship with Q. They were messily forced together even if it didn’t make sense for them anymore. Just to create more angst.
They fucked over Kady. Kady who was supposed to be a leader, who was so determined to save hedges from the library. Kady who could be so much more. And yet they’ve decided to drop that plot completely. They’ve decided that all she’s ever wanted was to be Penny’s girlfriend.
They fucked over Fen. Fen who finally got more growth, who got to be more than El’s wife. Who had prophetic visions, who could have been an excellent high king. But no, she was overthrown off scene.
They fucked over Julia. Julia who already went through so much shit. Who was a goddess, who sacrificed herself to bring magic back. Julia whose arc was supposed to be about choice. They took away that, they made her into an overglorified shield. In the end her choice was made by a man.
I don’t even want to talk about how much they fucked over Eliot, we all know that.
i am fucking sobbing. after quentin’s whole arc overcoming his suicidal tendencies. after finally acknowledging quentin’s queerness and showing his relationship with eliot. after q falls back into his depression and self-sacrificial bullshit. after that speech about how “people like me could mean something.” he was just gonna fucking die??? i am completely devestated and confused and angry. what a fucking gut punch to everyone who ever loved this show and saw themselves in quentin
marina 23/ kady 40 “So, darling, how about little rebellion?”
(suicide tw obviously) i just want to make it clear that quentin doesn’t have to actively try to physically harm himself to be engaging in suicidal behaviors and ideation???
quentin saying “break my bones, strangle me; i’m too tired to care”? that’s passively suicidal, y’all
quentin not giving one iota of a shit that alice says he’s going to die is suicidal
quentin not caring whether he lives or dies is suicidal
quentin pushing the monster as far as he can, knowing what it does to people who push it, is suicidal
the fact that he’s not actively seeking out buildings with easy rooftop access anymore doesn’t mean he wants to be alive right now, and he is very much not okay and somebody needs to do something about it
The paper called Eli a hero. The word made Victor laugh. Not just because it was absurd, but because it posed a question. If Eli really was a hero, and Victor meant to stop him, did that make him a villain? He took a long sip of his drink, tipped his head back against the couch, and decided he could live with that.
― V.E. Schwab, Vicious