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I want to preface this by saying that I’ve never been in a polyamorous relationship, nor am I polyamorous myself, and I’m fully open to constructive criticism, feedback, and discussion underneath this post with others who agree or disagree with what my opinion on this matter is. I’m always willing to listen and learn from people who may be more educated than me in regards to the topic at hand, and I’d love to hear an inside perspective on polyamory itself. Cheating, however, I will not tolerate. It’s also not something I’ve personally experienced, but I don’t have to have endured it in the past in order to know that it’s a horrible thing to do to someone.
I was recently watching an analysis on Loren and Faith’s relationship from 90 Day Fiance, and I got reminded of something that’s been a point of contention in the polyamorous community for as long as it’s been around, and even more so now that it’s a less stigmatized practice. (Of course, I’m not saying there’s no stigma at all, because that’s what I’m here to talk about, I’m just saying it’s a more open topic than it would have been, say, fifty years ago.) In their relationship, Loren was consistently cheating on Faith the entire time without explicitly telling her so or discussing it with her beforehand, then attempted to claim that he did tell her, she just didn’t understand him. Him “telling her” consisted of him messaging her that he was “staying” at someone else’s place by the way, his words not mine. In no way did he allude to a sexual relationship beyond implying that sleeping over is always indicative of sex. So, very obviously, this is cheating, yet Loren treats it as if it’s not a big deal because he, quote, “doesn’t believe in monogamy”. First of all, that’s a wild thing to say lacking context - second off, even if you don’t believe in it, you have to acknowledge that it’s something a lot of people do adhere to regardless of what you think of it. He should have discussed this with Faith on a deeper level, yet he didn’t even mention it to her in the duration of their six month relationship, in which he was literally sleeping with and talking to other people with the intention of sleeping with them. And the ENTIRE time he stays with her in the Philippines, he acts like she’s blowing it out of proportion, going so far as to mentioning in the talking head interview that she was probably gonna tell her family about it - which is a completely reasonable thing to do - and he has the absolute audacity to say it doesn’t paint him in a good light. He was worrying about his image and her family’s approval of him being in a relationship with her instead of the fact that he legitimately cheated on her and hurt her.
This brings me to my main point, which is that there is a subgroup of people who identify as polyamorous, yet don’t tell the person they’re dating that fact, or that they’re seeing other people at the same time. Their partner is completely oblivious to this, which, on principle, is cheating, whether or not they know that person is polyamorous to begin with. Because even if that person is polyamorous, a conversation needs to be had where boundaries and expectations in the relationship are discussed before becoming romantically involved. Maybe the partner, in this situation, is aware of the person’s interest or connection with polyamory, but doesn’t know that they’re already in other ongoing relationships before and during the length of time in which they’re dating. Not letting them know that is not being honest and clear with them from the start, which is something they have the right to be upset about. Even in polyamorous relationships, boundaries and communication are important, as cheating can still happen within that space. Imagine, for instance, three people are all dating, and the third person starts dating someone outside of their throuple. They tell the second person about this, but not the first; that is cheating if it’s been discussed beforehand that they must tell each other before seeking out and/or establishing a new relationship. Even if it’s not discussed, it can still lead to harm and a loss of trust between those three people. There are so many nuances to polyamory, seeing as how much attention it’s getting nowadays beyond culture and religion - yet, common decency is still the same across the board. Some, not all, seem to like victim blaming when it comes to cheating in polyamorous relationships because they believe that it should be predicted and less of a big deal than it is in monogamy. I understand some people are uncomfortable of the idea of being in that kind of relationship themselves and how it may seem hard to them considering things like jealousy and possessiveness, but what I don’t see is why that should make those people so hostile and judgmental for those who can make it work in a healthy manner. I’m aware that a portion of people who are outright cheaters try to use polyamory as a scapegoat or an excuse for their actions, but those individuals shouldn’t come to represent the community as a whole, since it’s like every other community in which there are differences all around. Monogamists have divides within their community as well, and there are just as many toxic monogamist relationships as there are polyamorous, so the only reason polyamorists catch more flak is because it’s been historically treated as a terrible practice as a whole. I’m not saying that there weren’t unfair polygamous relationships forced onto people instead of chosen willingly - hell, they still exist today and they need to be recognized as such - but we’ve also been gradually learning and growing as a society. Good things can come out of the bad, and that doesn’t make the bad any less bad, it just makes the good more impressive when it does happen.
I just felt like ranting today, I don’t know. I also don’t know how to end this… like and subscribe ig.. I say as NO ONE’S gonna see this