And Then I Read It - Blog Posts

✩ "I just can't tell you." .:｡✧*.｡✰───

summary: toge didn't want to hurt you. you just wanted him back.

contents: jjk as angst tropes series: inumaki toge, slightly ooc??? does anyone know if toge would actually do this cz tbh i pried this out of my dehydrated writer mind, f!reader x toge inumaki, fluff at the start, miscommunication written TERRIBLY (but it still hurts cause I can’t believe I’d hurt my inumaki like this), was honestly contemplating posting this but oh well

word count: ≈1.3k

Ever since he was a child, normal communication and talking had already been a struggle for Toge. It was a hard concept for him to grasp as a child, and it’d be affecting other people more than it affected him.

The cracks of his soul and identity slowly increased and the guilt would only build up, even with his friends like Maki and Panda he wished that he would make it easier for them instead of limiting himself to rice ball ingredients.

He was used to it, really, but he couldn’t deny the want of being understood normally increasing when new students would join jujutsu high. It built up to become a habit, and the only person who'd heard him speak words that weren't in riceball language was him, and it was the voice inside his head.

Until you. 

The voice in his head became yours too. Unbeknownst to you, his guilt of failing to communicate like a normal person started to mix in with flustered feelings of affection towards you.

You can imagine the way he’d try to explain this to both Panda and Maki in riceball language. Thankfully, Maki and Panda were observant enough to see the way Toge blushed even under his uniform, and the way he’d make stupid mistakes when training with you due to the lack of distance you guys would share. Thank goodness actions speak louder than words.

You, however, having joined the same time as Kugisaki and still learning Toge’s language, were oblivious to this. Either way, you tried your best to understand the upper class man’s language.

Needless to say, it went better than you thought. You were enjoying being able to communicate with him more, being able to actually understand him and have conversations with him easily. Despite the obscure choice of words he was limited to, you learnt that Toge had a kind-hearted and compassionate heart. It was a heart that held out soft and gentle hands to anyone who was willing to approach it. He loved trolling and making others And it’s safe to say that Toge’s hands were gentler than ever as you eased closer to his heart. Toge had never felt this way before. He adored it–someone going more than halfway to communicate with him. It didn’t restrict them, or make them avoid him to have to put up with his lack of words. Someone actually listened. Despite him being able to say anything, he felt like he could finally say everything.

Toge wanted to treat you like you were everything to him, but as if being honest about his feelings to you wasn’t hard enough, his rice ball language for sure didn’t help. But he didn’t mind his feelings being reduced to actions, because that’s all he wanted to do for you. He’d stare at you for a bit too long, he’d hold your waist in a crowd, and make sure he’d get you water or your favorite drink after training.

You noticed these actions, of course, and it only fed your delusions as your feelings for Toge were already very clear to you (and Kugisaki). You’d notice how when your legs touched under a table, he wouldn’t move. 

Or, and most prominently, the other time Toge replied “Salmon” to you saying the moon was pretty, when he was actually looking at you.

That was enough to tell you–that maybe–Toge liked you back.

Toge, he had no idea what to do. Not only has he never felt this way towards someone before, but he’s never felt the absolute struggle and hurt of his lack of communication until now. And boy, did it hurt him.

He wanted to tell you that he did, in fact, like you. Heck, he loved you. That he thought about you more than he should and tried to mouth your name to memorize the way it felt on his tongue.

But he couldn’t–the words could only ever just die in his throat. And even then, what if something went wrong? Everyone–and him especially–knew how bad it was if he just slipped up a word. They knew that it could cause great harm–and Toge knew that the chances of trying to let you know about his feelings would only increase that risk.

Afraid of hurting you, quite literally, and disappointing you—he did the only thing he thought he could do.

He disappeared.

Less replies to you, suddenly becoming more busy, and stopped frequenting the places you guys would usually go to together. He convinced himself it was a way of making sure he wouldn't hurt you.

But he didn’t know that the only thing it did was cause you pain.

You noticed it. More painful than you wish you did. All the sudden distance left a void of nothingness inside you and you couldn't figure out why. Did you just misinterpret everything? Was it just you who felt this way for him–and did it push him away? Did it–

No, don’t think this way. You thought. Toge’s always been struggling with using his words, and maybe this was just a prime example of it. 

And so you chose to wait more.

Toge had barely even replied to your messages at this point. You barely saw him in class, and when you did, it was only for a brief two second glance before you wondered when you’d ever see him again.

You waited.

You stopped sending him messages too. Occupied yourself with more missions, and your texts went from daily to weekly. Avoided glances and turning away once the other was seen.

You waited.

When you stopped texting too, something inside Toge shattered. Still, he told himself that it was for the best.

You waited.

Toge hadn’t been seen anywhere. Surprisingly even by Maki and Panda–it was obvious he was deliberately avoiding you now–scared. It seemed that he was putting more effort into staying away instead of talking to you.

So you stopped waiting.

You stayed in front of his dorm for however long you needed to so that he’d had no more excuse to avoid you.

And when you did, the shock and almost terror in Toge’s eyes hurt you.

“Toge.” You called

He flinched. He deserved that.

“Mustard leaf…?” He whispered through his uniform.

“Great, Toge,” You said too roughly. “So you can talk to me.”

The tone hurt him, but he felt like he deserved it. Toge knew he couldn't avoid this anymore, and it was exactly what you wanted. Sighing, he unlocked his dorm and let you in.

You guys were a safe distance apart from each other, almost as if crossing the distance would be too risky. He averted his eyes away, the truth wanting to come out but only even dying out.

“I just want to know if I did something wrong.” You asked too harshly.

Toge looked back, disbelief and fear in his eyes as he shook his head. No. He unzipped his uniform and revealed his mouth, calling out to you. Desperate to make you understand.

“Bonito flakes!” He cried, placing his hand on his chest. It’s not you. It was never you.

“Then what is it, Toge?” Your voice softened, taking a step towards him. Hesitant, and uncertain.

He stayed silent. It’s not like he could’ve explained any of it even if he wanted to–but he couldn’t even if he wanted to.

Stay.

Is what he wanted to say. Cursed fate for not allowing him to utter such a simple phrase–a simple word.

But he couldn't.

And when he chose to avert his gaze and stay silent over the truth, that’s when he knew it was too late. His silent retreat of refusing to look into your eyes seemed like a good enough answer to you.

Your breath hitched, and your arms fell to your sides.

The hurt in your eyes–once Toge realized it–wished he’d never seen it.

You looked at him one last time, searching for any change of his mind. Maybe for him to stop you from leaving. Maybe for one sign that in the end this would all be worth it.

But alas, nothing.

So you turned.

And this time, Toge was the one waiting.

a/n

soooo might be my worst written one yet !!! which actually sucks cz haha what i love toge !!! so what is this writing !!! ughhhhh whatever it i knew that writing miscommunication would be hard and for some reason i still decided to go with it and now my stupid dumb self was stressing over a deadline that I PUT on MYSELF guys im officially losing it (dang we have two more to go already ??? this series has been going on for AGES bro)

hope you all enjoyed, ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: !!! - ying ☆