Curate, connect, and discover
• "thought this was a joke. turns out im the joke."
• "you can use a mixer, i just do this to feel something"
• "fold in sauerkraut carefully. or what? im going to ruin your disaster?"
• "can a cake be tried for treason?"
• "either chocolate fixes everything or this is alchemy"
• *disgusted chewing noises* "DEMON BABY!!!"
• "before pumpkin pie became king people ate this....now they're dead."
• "combine all ingredients except for pie shell. were you rEALLY WORRIED I WAS GOING TO PUT A F U L L Y C O N S T R U C T E D PIE SHELL INTO THIS?"
• "im a fool, not an idiot."
• "its like reading directions to purgatory"
• "now we have carbonated mayonnaise lime water"
• "MARSHMALLOWS!! with the m a y o??"
• "chop up your dehydrated cow"
• "it tastes like it's insulting me"
• "and its not just a little bit. no. its a severe unauthorized CUP of mayonnaise."
• "honey you cant dilute a war crime"
• "you know its horrible now but i hope it turns out okay. like children."
• *beans boiling over in a pot* "ahhhhHH BEAN REBELLION!!"
• "eggie!! how many? i don't know. it just says EGGS."
• "did you just kill my blender?" *broken blender noises* "hello?" *insane maniacal laughter* "this is personal now. you swung first!!"
• "why are you good? yOU HAVE A BAG OF BEANS IN YOU!!"
• "one of the many questionable substances people experimented with in the 70s...pistachio pudding."
• "smells like a palm springs retirement home"
• "nixon wished it was this easy."
• "this was the cold war after all. fear of communist bananas was at an all time high."
• "the 70s. sponsored by the color beige."
• "its uncomfortably appetizing"
• "meat and desserts was quite common back then. so was botulism."
• "'honey would you like earl gray or pork?' 'ill take a divorce'"
• "sweet, bitter and meaty. like my ex."
• "don't say it dylan" *2 seconds later* "CIMMANIMM!!"
• "350 for two and a half hours! i suppose any less and it might gain consciousness."
• "its a little late in the century for war crimes."
• "are you just making things up? who are you??"
• *opening a can of spam* "you know ive never been particularly religious. but today might be the day."
• "a cup of evaporated milk?! have you lost the plot?!"
• "i feel like if i do this correctly im going to invoke the spirit of richard nixon"
• "this aint food honey this is a bioweapon"
• "sir your phone number is 4 digits"
• "well i don't have sorghum because i don't have a life expectancy of twelve"
• "thats the power of pine sol baby!"
• "bake to your liking. sweetie none of this is to my liking."
• "this is what id imagine a toilet brush to taste like"
• "this is why we don't perform lobotomies anymore."
• "should be a pale white." *holds butter up to arm for comparison*
• "i bet this recipe is just all the wrong answers on a baking test."
• "smells like dentures."
• "not bad dead people"
• "its incredible. and im mad about it."
• "sift your flour three times. lady your cake has tomato soup in it, this is thE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES!!"
• "'911 whats your emergency?' 'yeah that lady carol is at the barbecue again.'"
• "careful not to over mix. sorry im just trying to kill it."
• "now i know this is going to be awful because it calls for soured milk. not buttermilk, not milk and vinegar, no honey sOURED B A D MILK!"
• "disgusting wasnt enough for you?!"
• "call the U.N."
• "bake until done. you're a piece of work."
• *plays accordion on his kitchen floor*
• "tastes like a shower drain or a bunion"
• "this recipe was sent to me by herbert hoover feet pics. theres something for everybody"
• "are you nine inches yet?? said 14 year old me."
• "i suppose its better than eating your offspring"
• "oh betty crocker WHAT ARE YOU UP TO??"
• "you could just use canned pineapple. if you were a communist."
• "can you bake a pie with four ingredients? yes! i could also eat my mattress."
• "add three gils of water. was this written for a fish?"
• "i think this qualifies as a preexisting condition"
• "unconstitutional!"
• "its a breast implant"
• *clunking from the cabinets* "i think ive summoned something"
• "it seems to have collapsed. like the south."
• "the slogan for this cookbook is 'it's digestible'"
• "remember kids the main ingredient in pie pastry is self doubt"
• "fry in two tablespoons of crisco. on this episode of dead white people."
• "i didnt know tuberculosis had a color scheme"
• "ive baked a toilet."
• "how am i supposed to know how big your teacups are, ira?"
• "why do dead people like dates?"
• "easy does it. wouldn't want to ruin a disaster."
• "'ira honey i'm going to war.' 'over what?' 'your cooking'"
• "tastes like a boot. like a size 10 boot."
• "why just live in the great depression when you could also have chronic diarrhea"
• "it wants me to plumpen my prunes in water. well i won't be plumping my prunes in just anything. buy me dinner first."
• "it looks like a failed grave robbery"
• "walnuts aint gonna save this recipe sweetie"
• "you know its not bad it just vaguely tastes like a felony."
• "'where you goin with that tuna dylan?' 'oh you know just making jello"
• "this recipe is making me cry, not the onions"
• "are we sure this recipe wasnt written by a cat?"
• "it already looks like the great depression"
• "bake in a moderate oven. no need to get political"
•"don't tell gordon ramsey"
• "it tastes like a question mark. but a good question mark"