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Bts Crack - Blog Posts

hobisfavoritespritecan

3 years ago

BTS Reaction to you telling them you're pregnant except it's entirely satirical and there's absolutely no plot

⚠️ Warnings: swearing, mentions of the Devil's Tango ™, and extreme crack. This whole Headcannon is absolutely ridiculous, so I apologize for how wacky it gets as you continue reading ⚠️

Kim Seokjin

You've been trying to tell him all week

But this boy is stubborn as hell and he's been so busy with everything so his time for you has been less and less

Which slightly stresses you out knowing that he would have to be a father soon and he couldn't be out all the time

So you decided on Seokjin's day off that you were going to tell him

You took him to his favorite café in the morning and you bought him a coffee in a pink cup

"Oh! Y/N, this cup is so cute and it's my favorite color, you're such a good little egg"

Seokjin patted your head

Meanwhile you're like wtf did my bf just call me

So that didn't work but then you took him shopping for clothes

And after he bought a sparkly jacket (of course he did, it's Seokjin) he saw you looking over towards a family that was in the same aisle

"Awww Jinnie aren't babies just the cutest?"

"Not really"

W H A T

Y'all go home

You're kinda about to give up

But then

BUT THEN

"Yeah now that I'm thinking about it, that little kid was super cute. I'll bet our baby will be even cuter since their dad will be Worldwide Handsome" ✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧

YOU ALMOST THROW UP

"JINNIE I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU I'M PREGNANT ALL DAY"

"oh."

Long moment of silence before he speaks again:

"Let's just hope the baby has my face."

"SEOKJIN YOU MOTHERFUC-"

Kim Namjoon

You're riding on the back of his bike because this boy does not know how to drive

And then you remember: oh yeah, I should probably tell him he's gonna be a dad soon

You've known for a week, you just haven't found the right time

So maybe once you get to the picnic spot, everything will work out that way!

You lay down the blanket and bring out the food (You packed a bottle of Champagne for the event)

And just as Namjoon finished taking a bite of his sandwich you said "Joonie, how would you like to be a dad?"

He choked

And choked some more

Like his face is turning purple

"OH MY GOD JOON ARE YOU DYING?"

You call an ambulance and someone performs CPR, successfully removing the pickle stuck in your boyfriend's throat

And they wrapped him in a blanket

Amongst all the craziness he finally musters out a "I'm gonna be a dad?"

"Yes Joonie"

"They gave me a shock blanket, I'm in shock"

"Yes Joonie"

"I'm gonna be a good dad"

You're gonna end up having to parent two children

Min Yoongi

You and Yoongi have always been open about everything

You both prided yourselves on never keeping any secrets because you both knew good relationships allowed for conversation

Well..... This was a bit different

You just found out you were pregnant

And now you had to tell him

But you just couldn't

Every time you saw him and said today is the day, it never ended up being the day

But you had just gone out for a date to a karaoke place and Yoongi was having a blast

Singing, dancing, you name it the kid was having a great time

So you decided now was the time

And you wanted to do a sappy duet and tell him as the song ended

But uh

Yoongi decided you were gonna sing Industry Baby by Lil Nas X

You were trying your hardest to keep up, but Yoongi was already on the floor twerking and there was nothing you could do

"Yoongles I'm having a baby!"

"Yeah I love this song!"

"No, not an Industry Baby I'm talking about your child!"

"Technically my child would be one of the industry since I'm a Kpop star!"

More twerking

"YOONGI YOU'RE GONNA BE A DAD"

Twerking pauses

"A what now?"

Jung Hoseok

So. Y'all were not planning on having a kid

It just uh happened due to y'alls bedroom interests (keeping it PG-13 here)

And so when you were getting out of the bath and you saw your stomach looking extra bloated than usual you decided to take a test because why not?

And you screamed because there was no way in hell you were gonna allow something like the Alien movies to happen to you

You didn't even waste any time telling your boyfriend, who was currently sipping a Piña Colada on the couch

"Wassup babe?"

"I'M GONNA DIE"

"Why this time?"

"YOUR STUPID [redacted] GOT ME PREGNANT AND NOW THEY'RE GONNA CUT IT OUT OF ME AND FEED ME MY INSIDES"

Hobi just about spilled his drink everywhere as he got up and ran to the restroom

You couldn't see what he was up to but you could hear him puking from the next room over

After twenty minutes he came out

"So uh, are why are you gonna eat our baby?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You said they would feed you your insides?"

"I was being overdramatic about my placenta you idiot"

He sits down next to you

"So you're not gonna eat the baby?"

Park Jimin

He already knew, he was just waiting for you to tell him

He saw the test in the trash, you really should know to hide things better

So when you finally sat him down for "the talk" he knew what you were going to say

"Jiminie, I'm pregnant"

"Oh really?"

He got up to congratulate you with a big hug and an excited smile but then-

"Do you think we could trade it for a dog?"

W H A T

A D O G ?

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TRADE IT IN FOR A DOG?"

"Like- I want a dog more than a baby, do you think maybe I could trade for one?"

Jimin fainted

You already had three dogs

When he woke up he found himself lying in your shared bed and he was very confused

The only thing he remembered last was the kitchen

"Y/N, so uh, are you uh, pregnant?"

"Huh, what about oregano?"

"No, No are we having a baby?"

"I told you that last week Jiminie are you okay?"

Jimin went back to sleep

Kim Taehyung

You had just gone to the doctor after taking your pregnancy test and had confirmed that you were, indeed, pregnant

And so you decided to pick up some balloons and streamers while you were out to decorate your shared apartment with Tae in celebration

Once you had everything ready, all that was left for you to do was wait

And so you did

And you waited

And waited

And waited some more

When finally Taehyung opened up the door and walked inside around 11:00pm

But uh

He was wearing a fursuit

"GODDAMN IT TAE! WHERE WERE YOU? I TOLD YOU YOU HAD TO BE HOME EARLY BECAUSE I WANTED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING IMPORTANT"

"I was at furry con"

"FURRY CON?"

You watched as your boyfriend walked to the fridge and took off his wolf head

"You know, Y/N, you should always knock on the fridge before you open it"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Because there might be a salad dressing inside"

In a fit of rage you threw his dumb mask into the fridge

"I'm pregnant."

You scowled at him but he smiled

"Me too"

Jeon Jeongguk

"Hey, Jeongguk? How come you're not at work?"

Your boyfriend was currently situated on the living room couch with his favorite Jacob Sartorius hoodie and a a singular tear rolling down his cheek

"I had used up all of my sick leave, so I called in dead"

"What's wrong, Kook?"

Your boyfriend slowly arose from the couch, his hand in a fist and and a scowl on his face

"You wouldn't understand, Y/N"

"Wouldn't understand what?"

Your boyfriend inched towards your apartment window and bonked his head against that glass due to his internal agony

"We're all out of apple juice"

"Okay..... So then I can go to the store and pick up some more for you-"

"NO!" JK throws himself against the door and starts sobbing

"IT WON'T BE THE SAME!"

"Why not?"

Your boyfriend goes silent and then he pulls out a clipboard from between his ass cheeks

"MY apple juice has to be hand-squeezed"

He shows you the statistics on his clipboard which is just a drawing of Snoop Dogg

So you end up going to get JK his 'Mystic Apple juice'

And he uh gets really uh excited uh and uh yeah so you know what happens when a mommy loves a daddy

BUT ANYWAYS

So y'all do some stuff whatever the point is bada bing bada boom you got yourself a fetus

And now you would have to tell Jungkook

But how?

So you came up with a really cute idea to write him a sweet little note telling him everything

And when he got home he excitedly tore open the little envelope and read the message

"So uh, is that it?"

HUH

"What do you mean, 'Is that it?'"

"I mean, are you just pregnant or whatever?"

You blinked your eyes in dumbfoundedness

"Uh yeah JK you're going to be a father"

JK fixed his hoodie. "Tsk tsk. You really shouldn't be so overdramatic about little stuff like this"

"JUNGKOOK I LITERALLY HAND SQUEEZED JUICE FOR YOU YESTERDAY"

"THAT WAS DIFFERENT"