Curate, connect, and discover
Bear with me, it’s essay time because crying about beefleaf while rereading some parts of book 4 gave me a LOT of thoughts and emotions.
The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that beefleaf were never going to get a happy ending, not because mxtx didn’t want to give them one, but because their dynamic literally makes it an impossibility. I don’t think it matters that He Xuan genuinely cared for SQX as Ming Yi because he is never going to be able to look at them without recalling what they took from him. Sure, he might not hate SQX, and he might actually wish them a happy life, but that life cannot be with him.
And this is taking into account a scenario in which He Xuan didn’t kill Shi Wudu, because even if he didn’t, I don’t think he himself could ever be truly happy with SQX. There is too much pain associated with them, and even though they were not the direct cause of that pain, I think it’s still fair for He Xuan not to want to be around that reminder. Is that fair to Qingxuan? Not necessarily, but neither was any of this fair to He Xuan.
I don’t think they could ever have a healthy relationship built upon a foundation filled with so much hurt, because they would only end up hurting each other more, whether intentionally or not. I think they both know this, and it’s why I personally believe that the ending mxtx gave them is the best we could have hoped for. In the end, I believe it’s clear that neither of them hates the other, but they do harbor a lot of complicated feelings on the matter that cannot be resolved with apology and forgiveness.
For Qingxuan’s part, I don’t think they blame He Xuan for their present situation. In fact, they are adamant in relaying to Xie Lian that He Xuan didn’t do anything to them after the events of the Black Water Arc. However, they also seem intent on moving forward with their mortal life. As for He Xuan, his dropping SQX off at the royal capital, as well as his willingness to give SQX his spiritual power and the fan (regardless of the dire circumstances) shows that there’s a part of him that still cares about them. He has no desire to interfere with Qingxuan’s chances at happiness in their new life, precisely because of that affection, but he also doesn’t want to be around to grieve over what could have been. Because every time He Xuan sees SQX, there will only be regret, both for his inability to see SQX without the attached pain and for the friend (or even lover) he could have had had their fates not been so maliciously intertwined.
Yes, I love beefleaf, but what I love more than the ship are the incredibly written individuals themselves. And I do firmly believe that, in canon at least, they would both be more at peace by letting go and moving on. Not necessarily happy, but at peace.
Now, in another universe, where these two met outside of these circumstances? Beefleaf most certainly sails.
Side note: In a weird way, writing this was actually kinda cathartic because it gave me peace with and acceptance of beefleaf’s canon ending, while still acknowledging that these two definitely had the potential to be lovers. That potential can be (and already has been) explored through everyone’s lovely fan creations.