Ch: Ryan Caddel - Blog Posts

"Probably easier said than done?" she suggested carefully. Zahra wasn't an expert on firefighting as a profession but she couldn't imagine flexible schedules were one of the perks. It had to be frustrating for both of them and seemed to cause quite a bit of conflict. She coudn't say she envied either of them. "It's an intense job," she added after a lengthy pause. She had always been comfortable with what some people deemed awkward silences, quite at home with the stillness of it all. Normally she didn't mind being left alone with her thoughts whereas lately she had found herself running from them, desperate for any sort of distraction, no matter how mind-numbingly dull. Dragging the books around had worked for a bit, the physical discomfort stopping her from mulling over everything else. "I don't know," she muttered, feeling deflated both physically and mentally. She had spent so much time working towards the life she now had and somehow it felt like such a waste, something not worth the time and effort she had put in. "Impostor syndrome, I guess. Happens to most people at some point."

“—it’s fine,” he said with a faint shrug, a gentle smile adorning his lips. “she is right; I need to lay off some shifts,” saying it out loud was not just admitting it to Zahra that he knew it was him who had fucked up, but to himself too, that the only way to fix this was to make more time for her. as of now, he spent more time at work, at the station, than at home with her when it should be the other way around. it might have been entirely unintentional this happened, but the result was still the same ( and he would find a way to fix this, besides apologizing to her and making more time to actually be present ). a frown formed on his features at her following words. since they first met he knew she loved her research projects, and seeing the lack of excitement in her tone, her admitting it, seemed to him a little odd, coming from someone as dedicated and hard-working as her. and maybe it was part of the issue; the expectations she set for herself as opposed to what she felt. “you shouldn’t be anything, and perhaps that’s part of the problem…” he offered in a matter of fact tone. “something troubling you?” he inquired, not out of curiosity, but genuine interest of what was going through her mind.

She simply nodded along for a moment, carefully weighing her next words. Like most people, she had experienced relationship problems in the past, both platonic and romantic, but she had never been in Ryan's position, let alone had any real understanding how Neva felt. It had to be tough for the both of them, and Zahra did not want to cross any boundaries or be one of those people who offered unhelpful advice on something she simply did not understand. "I'm sorry. Sounds rough," she finally commented carefully, "but I'm sure you two will figure it out. It's probably just growing pains and those usually ease with time." Of course that wasn't always the case but Zahra was not about to remind Ryan just how sticky these things could get. She was certain he knew that already. Besides, she had enough on her plate and was in no position to act like she had it all figured out. Her problems were smaller, sure, but had lately felt almost all-consuming. "I'm sure I don't," she admitted with astonishing honesty before shaking her head. "I am excited. It's just... I guess I wish I were more excited. I should be more excited."

—he put the bag on the desk and the librarian looked at him, eyes widening for a moment. “worse,” he admitted, turning back to Zahra, making a face. “it’s my fault,” and then, he turned to her, gently shaking his head, “no, no…” he reassured her with a smile, he appreciated the interest after all. “I haven’t,” he responded in a matter-of-fact tone, laughing a little. there was, essentially, very little he could do until his leave started, and that wasn’t for another more week ( which was also filled with shifts ). “it’s just…man, she is stubborn,” he laughed, “and pregnancy doesn’t help, you know?” he added in a lighter tone; he knew they had kinda talked things over, but still, it didn’t change the fact; he should better learn from that mistake —for future reference. but he was a little glad the topic shifted to her once more as she responded to his question, and he did notice the pause was a little longer than usual, but he didn’t want to ask further. “dare I say you don’t sound that excited?” he was used to Zahra always being willing to share her knowledge when presented the chance, and damn she was smart and so well-versed on her subject, it was kinda weird seeing her being a little…unenthusiastic about it.

"They really should include a portion for late fees on research grants," she mumbled, wondering just how much cash she had funnelled to various library systems. While she would usually consider it money well-spent, her current state of annoyance and frustration made her wish she had done just about anything else with those hundreds of dollars. Still, there were bigger problems in the world and Zahra couldn't help but notice the shift in Ryan's mood. It was evident his work-life balance left something to be desired. "Oh? That bad?" she asked, wincing internally but hoping the look on her face didn't betray her. "Is there anything you can do about it?" She paused for a moment, nose crinkled up in irritation at herself. "I'm sure you've already gone through all your options. Sorry." She remained silent for a moment, not sure she wanted to shift the focus back to herself. "Not really," she admitted after a lengthy pause, "but I'm teaching a class in the fall. I guess that's fun."

—he smiled at the comment a little; turning to her when she responded to his query. “certainly not,” he agreed with a nod —frankly, those were a lot of books to pay any fees. Nodding a little at her response, he could agree. working had been his priority as of late. very wrongfully so. “same…” he muttered; work kept her busy and he was, in fact, keeping busy with work, rushing to complete a set amount of hours each week that were a lot more than his usual shifts, prior to the move. “I have and Neva is not happy about it…” he admitted, laughing a little, but it was a humorless sound. Neva was pissed, not just not happy. they made their way inside and his partner went further in to talk to the manager, while he accompanied Zahra towards the front desk. “have you been working on anything new?” he inquired.

Zahra watched as Ryan went to pick up the bag, quietly grateful he had happened to be there and didn't seem to be in too much of a hurry. "I guess this is my sign to hit up the gym," she muttered, slightly jealous just how easily the bag had lifted. "God no", Zahra spurted as he acquired whether she had actually read the books, "but I can't be paying overdue fees on all of those." Doing a postdoc in humanities wasn't exactly the most lucrative of jobs and there were far more fun ways to spend a good chunk of money. She nodded as Ryan spoke. "Okay, good. There's certainly a lot of flammable material there," she mused, following him quietly. "I'm okay. Work's keeping me busy." It wasn't a lie, not really, even if she hadn't really achieved much in the past few weeks. "I guess you must have been equally busy?"

—those were a lot of books to actually be any lighter than they looked, which made him smirk a little at her argument. “hmm,” was the only eligible response he could give. lifting the bag with ease —contrary to her he has been doing a lot of heavy lifting, daily, and the bag basically weighs nothing for him— he looked at her, a little amused. “you’ve actually read all these?” he questioned before nodding a little to her query in turn. “just a routine check.” Ryan responded as he reached out to pull the library door open, and gestured for her to walk in first. “how have you been? it’s been a while since I’ve been around…” they usually met at unholy hours, that’s how he had ended up meeting her, but his work schedule had been busy lately, plus he wanted to spend more time at home with Neva when he could; it left little time to venture when he couldn’t sleep.

Despite her stubborn streak and tendency to insist on doing things by herself no matter how difficult, Zahra could not hide her relief. Besides, a slipped disc didn't necessarily appeal to her. "Oh, hardly. It's definitely no more than a quarter of my size. And it's lighter than it looks." That was a bold-faced lie and Zahra was definitely grateful Ryan had offered to help her with the books. "That'd be nice, thank you. Can't say I've been doing much of heavy lifting lately." She shook her head slowly. "You're working? Nothing serious, I hope."

—dressed in a casual uniform, black pants and standard FD t-shirt, he walked up the stairs leading to the library meaning to check on a call; they did claim it was a false alarm, but two of them had been sent anyway to ensure there were no issues. a standard procedure for such a call, they needed to do an inspection of the building; this was a library after all, a fire break out in this place would be a pain, for many reasons. “what are you doing?” he laughed as he noticed Zahra —first he had noticed the bag, to be fair. looking at the massive blue bag she was carrying, he arched an eyebrow. “this is twice your size, Zahra,” he teased, laughing. “may I?” he inquired, gesturing towards the bag.