Eren Jaeger X Y/n - Blog Posts

pretender — eren jaeger

— eren jaeger x female reader (college au)

— content: angst for our birthday boy :"))

— summary: a series of events throughout college where eren has to pretend he never harbored any feelings for you.

— word count: 7.9k

— notes: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EREN !! i posted this a little early because i won't have that much time logging into tumblr tomorrow since my schedule is packed with three exams. why is it that every time i write for eren, it's always unrequited love or somewhat related to that, pls forgive me hhhhh and it's his birthday, too. buuut what better way to celebrate his birthday than some good-old modern au angst ??? yep, good thing i didn't decide on making a canonverse one --- that one would break me. n e way, i hope you lovely humans enjoy this (let's be real here, i cried while writing the last bit of this, okay???) mwa, have fun reading! (also, it's best if you guys listen to higedan's pretender to amplify the emotions oop)

reblogs and feedback are greatly appreciated !! masterlist

also, as usual, this is unedited :>>

No matter how hard he tries to be with you under the spotlight, he’s always part of the audience.

You’re a shining star — the center of a solar system that is your friend group and the string that manages to connect everyone together. Before forming your tight-knit circle, you were already best friends with Jean and Marco, roommates with Mikasa, and department buddies with Armin. You’re a born social butterfly who manages to make a name for herself in your university. You wear kindness and empathy on your sleeve like no other even if you started your day with a negative outlook (mostly from frustration and burn-outs from your quizzes and essays). People say you’re a breath of fresh air when you’re around, others say that your advice brightens their day, or in the rarest of the bunch’s case, you make their stomach tingle with just your smile.

Eren is pretty sure he’s in the third category.

He doesn’t know when this emotional fiasco first started but all he knows is that falling for you was a process that he was unaware of until Armin made him realize it. In the first place, Eren isn’t that particularly close with you. You tend to spend more alone time with Armin or Mikasa than with him. The only time you two talk is when the entire friendship circle gathers for a hang-out or when Mikasa invites you to dinner with their childhood trio. They’re all awkward exchanges that all of your friends pity at, some of them even taking the reins to keep the conversation going because Eren seems to forget what he’s about to say when you’re focusing your attention on him.

At least that’s what your friends believe.

Nonetheless, those goddamn eyes that sparkle on their own, hair that effortlessly frames your face, lips that quirk a little in anticipation of his words — everything about you is just pure torture for his weak heart.

Since the beginning, Eren already felt the telltale signs of him being lovesick.

The first time you two met gazes, he had to inhale a deep breath. It was freshman year in college and Mikasa needed help putting her boxes in her dorm room. Being the kind-hearted and caring best friend that he was (a thing that he boasted well to the point where Mikasa had to humble him by saying otherwise), Eren offered to carry some boxes. Good thing that the black-haired girl’s dorm room was only situated on the third floor or else he would’ve dipped the moment he saw the tall building of Rose Dormitories. With Mikasa still by the counter to get her a copy of their dorm room key, Eren entered the opened door with confidence that shouldn’t be done inside a girls’ dormitory.

All it took was you turning around from decorating your pin-up bulletin board to render him breathless.

Your eyelashes flutter in surprise to see a tall male carrying two boxes and sauntering inside your dorm room as he owned it. At first, you questioned if this was really a dormitory for girls or you just misread the pamphlet before moving in. Your arms that were on the bulletin board beside your bed slackened until you stood upright, your hands clutching the photographs you were about to pin.

“U-Uhm, hi?” It was more like a question that had you raising an eyebrow at him. Eren inwardly cursed himself while trying to make himself look small, which didn’t exactly help him since he was pretty tall for his age. “I-I’m just gonna put the boxes h-here.” He chuckled nervously because he could still feel your gaze drilling on his head.

“Oh, it’s fine,” you chimed, a smile on your face despite your initial wariness.

Eren stopped, his back facing you but his eyes were bouncing on Mikasa’s barren side of the dorm room. He contemplated looking back at you to check if you were still gauging him. Only then he could breathe when he heard you open some boxes on your side. The entire time, Eren was as stiff as a board, the awkwardness seeping through him as he stood there with his front facing away from you. Pretty sure you were now listening to some music in your AirPods, as observed from your occasional humming.

“Thank you for helping me, Eren,” Mikasa called for him.

He jumped at her voice, his attention focusing on your melodious hums for the past ten minutes. “Oh, shit!”

You looked up at the abrupt exclamation, first, at Eren and then at Mikasa. Your face instantly brightened at the sight of the short-haired young woman entering the dorm room. “You must be Mikasa, right?” You took off your AirPods and extended a hand in front of her with a friendly jubilance. “I’m [Name], your roommate.”

Mikasa stopped side-eyeing Eren with a judgmental sheen in her eyes (probably because he was standing too long like an idiot with you in the room) to flash you a small grin. She accepted your handshake, her hand firm against yours. “Yeah. Mikasa Ackerman. Nice to meet you.”

“Pleasure to meet you, too.”

Once you two let go of the handshake, Mikasa looked at Eren. “That’s my best friend, Eren.” At that, Eren waved with a sheepish smile on his face. You returned the gesture to him before focusing your attention on your new roommate. She smiled when you two met gazes again. “I’m sorry if he’s too awkward while you’re moving in. He has a habit of being too shy around pretty girls.”

Eren gawked at Mikasa, who effortlessly said those words that garnered a flustered reaction from you. It came off so easy to her when all Eren did to gain your attention was to act like an idiot who was never around girls aside from his best friend slash practically older sister (by a month!). There was a knowing smile on Mikasa’s face that irked him. Oh, she knew that Eren was shot with attraction at first sight. She was actually standing in the open doorway, observing him whilst he was standing like that meme going around social media nowadays. Eren narrowed his eyes at the smug girl, who never once looked back at him. He knew she could feel the warning signs going off from his perch and he knew she had this urge to subtly tell you that he was interested in you.

Who could blame him though?

You were definitely the prettiest girl he never saw in his life.

Eren remembered randomly thinking about someone so ethereal while delving into the topic of ideal lovers during a sleepover with Mikasa and Armin. He thought about how she might’ve eyes that simply smile without doing it or a love for anything she could touch. He thought about her eyes, how they sparkled when they had an idea or a eureka moment. Would he meet her in a random coffee shop? Or in the streets, while he was running for some shelter from the rain? All of those scenarios he conjured in his head vanished the moment his eyes found you. He never thought he could see that girl right now in front of him, just a few paces in a four-walled dorm room with two beds.

Relationships were the least thing he could ever touch on while starting university, determined to follow his father’s and brother’s footsteps in the medical field. And Mikasa was right, he was awkward, too awkward, around women in general. The only exceptions were his mom, said best friend, and family dog (this wasn’t counted but Freya was family and had been there for him since he was in primary school). It was natural for him to react that way because you were so angelic while doing your thing in this empty dorm room.

“You’re the pretty one here, Mikasa!” You exclaimed with warm cheeks.

“Nah,” Mikasa smiled. “You’re definitely prettier. Am I right, Eren?”

Mikasa and her perceptiveness — Eren hated it. Her eyes were like lasers. He laughed his nerves off while looking directly at you. “Yeah. Definitely a pretty girl you are.” What the fuck? When did he become Yoda? Now, Eren wanted to bury himself ten feet underground.

You laughed lightheartedly. “You’re adorable, Eren.”

Mikasa prevented herself from laughing out loud by biting her bottom lip and shaking her head.

“I’m looking forward to talking with you more, Eren.”

Eren gulped, lifting his gaze to be blinded by your smile. “Y-Yeah. Same here, p-pretty girl.”

Now, Mikasa snorted.

You fully turned to him. “Good to know, pretty boy.”

All it took was one moment with your exuberant nature to know that he was undeniably and irrevocably screwed.

He thought this would fade away, seeing as there were also so many attractive girls around campus while he was stressing out during freshman year. He recalled some of them but none of them imprinted their image in his brain the way you did. He would search for you in a crowded cafeteria, turn his head towards the sound of your voice, and gravitate towards you without crossing the boundary. It was always testing the waters with you in the first year of college, knowing that Eren didn’t fully recognize that what he was feeling was a blooming crush. He thought you were just a pretty face that his mind couldn’t shake off but there was a voice whispering somewhere about how it ran deeper than the usual infatuation. He never listened to it so he chose to let it be.

That was three years ago.

The feeling just keeps getting bigger and bigger until it consumes his entire body and he has no choice but to let himself drown in everything about you.

His first mistake was never acknowledging what he felt for you. Now, he can pinpoint the reasons why he was so hesitant. First, he was unaware of romantic feelings. His whole life revolved around maintaining his school standing that even if some girls expressed their interest in him, he’d bolt the other way before saying a quick hello. Second and probably the one he’s most sure of, he was scared that time. Scared of the fact that this would lead to heartbreak, that you’re going to end up as someone he can only reminisce about once he reaches the end of college.

But the more he thinks about you, the more he spirals into a spring-filled rabbit hole.

“Shit. Shit. Shit.”

Eren jumped from lounging on his bed, back ramrod straight and eyes wide as he stared at his phone. There was just no way that he double-tapped on one of your oldest posts on Instagram. He made sure to never do that before scrolling through your profile. His heart was pounding rapidly in his chest, his mind swirling with thoughts of unliking your post. His finger hovered over the picture featuring a much younger you lying down on a field of daisies. Of all pictures, he had to like a photo set featuring Jean, the most insufferable person Eren ever knew at the moment.

Never mind that. Eren shook his head, putting his concern about your relationship with Jean way into the back of his mind.

But that would make it suspicious — unliking something from so long ago because you would check it. His name would appear and if it didn’t after you clicked on the notification, you’d be questioning whether he was right in the head or not.

“This can’t be happening right now. I’m such a fucking idiot!” Eren buried his hands through his unbound hair. “I shouldn’t have visited her profile. I shouldn’t have listened to Armin when he told me to check her account out. I shouldn’t have let my curiosity win!” Eren groaned, falling back on his bed with a bounce, his phone resting idly beside his body.

This was the first time Eren braved himself into visiting your socials.

Armin tagged you in an Instagram story a few months back and because Eren asked Armin where he was through that story, the blond relayed that he was with you on a museum ‘date’ and that he should be back in time for their weekly gaming night. (It was a Friday.) The story featured Armin taking a video of himself before calling your name, the camera panning over Armin’s shoulder, in time for your radiant smile and joyful wave in front of a wood carving.

Eren was in shock at first. His best friend, who rarely went out with people he barely knew, invited you (who he only knew for a semester) on a museum ‘date’? It also didn’t help when he saw that Armin posted a photo set of this museum ‘date’ and in the first picture, there was a shot of your back staring at a massive painting. For some reason, Eren let out a heavy sigh when he flipped through the pictures. This burdening pit inside his stomach remained until Armin came home to their dorm room. Not knowing the reason behind the sourness, Eren sulked the entire night, which the blond didn’t appreciate at all. Especially when he got his best friend the special from the museum’s restaurant. That was expensive. Of course, Eren’s emo episode ended right there, not telling Armin why he did that in the first place.

Then, Armin shared his day with you.

You and Armin were in the same department — marine biology. Since most of your classes aligned with one another, the two of you went through lectures together, even partnering with each other during lab work. Armin found your wit and wonder to understand the oceanic world fascinating and relatable. That night of the supposed museum date, he even told Eren a little detail about his relationship with you that he kept to himself. Armin knew you when he confirmed his slot in the marine biology department, with you visiting the university on the same day as well. Eren then found out you had more friendly dates with Armin than he anticipated. It’s like a pact between single friends, a way to enjoy the company with each other, and a token of appreciation for sticking when push comes to shove.

Again, it was another thing that his friends had with you that he didn’t.

A vibration from his bed snapped his musings.

Thinking it was only a message from Armin about coming home late, Eren begrudgingly brought his phone to his face. His eyes lazily scanned the screen before … Wait. Was that your name on his notifications? Eren tightly closed his eyes before glaring at his phone again. Yes, it is. That was your username on Instagram.

You followed him.

Eren felt his face burn.

Another notification appeared over the previous one.

You liked one of his photos. Not the old ones where he looked like a scrawny twig ready to fall off if the wind blew too strongly. (Next on the agenda after freaking out over you: delete those god-awful pictures because they never gave his current appearance justice.) You liked the most recent one, a picture of him staring at the camera with the low-tide beach behind him and the golden hour as the best lighting. (Bless Armin for taking the picture and also Mikasa for directing him on how to pose because he couldn’t take a decent picture without their help.)

It was just a little thing but you liking his picture and following him made Eren’s day.

The worry that he may have looked like an idiot accidentally liking your old picture dissipated. He now thanked that stupid moment of double-tapping your picture because even though this was just the most basic gesture between newly-found friends, this was a chance to get closer to you.

He went back to your profile, clicking the follow button almost immediately. Forget looking like a fool, Eren was excited to make one connection with you on social media. Your story then popped up and like a moth drawn to a flame, Eren viewed it. It was a selfie of you in a cafe situated in the university square. You were beside a window, the golden glow of the late afternoon sun framing half of your face in the most picturesque way possible. It got Eren smiling like an idiot, his heart pounding too loudly in his chest. Without thinking, he reacted to your story, thinking that your closest friends probably do that too. He has seen Armin and Jean do it in your stories so why not him?

Probably because Armin and Jean never looked at you like your smile rises and sets with the sun.

This night was probably the most enchanting moment in Eren’s freshman year.

[name]: hey, eren! thank God i finally followed you!

Eren thought he died and had gone to heaven. He waited a couple of minutes before replying, the conversation flowing from the two of you without some setbacks until the afternoon sun turned into the middle of the night. Eren never cared if he had the first period with one of the stricter professors, he finally got to talk to you even if it’s through a screen, in speech bubbles and reaction pictures.

He now knew your favorite season, your favorite TV show, your preferred pet, your favorite food — Eren felt like he won at life.

“I don’t wanna be a third wheel, Horseface,” Eren grumbled one free day during sophomore year. He was stepping outside of his dorm room because of a very annoying Jean Kirchstein very early in the morning. (It was ten in the morning. Sue him for enjoying his sleep.) He closed the door with a resounding bang, stopping for a moment to look around the hallway if anybody would scold him. After a couple of seconds of silence, he talked to the phone, “Again, I don’t want to be a third wheel. You know how awkward that would be?”

“You’re not gonna be a third wheel, asshole,” Jean grumbled through the speaker. Eren rolled his eyes. “Why would you be a third wheel if [Name] invited you to join us? Don’t know what came over her though. I, for sure, don’t want to see your donkey ass face.”

Here’s the thing, you and Jean go way back. Because of you standing up for him after he was getting picked on for being too chubby back in elementary school, the rest was history. At least from what Eren heard from you when you were talking about your childhood with Armin and Sasha. (The latter of the two laughed out loud when you mentioned that detail of Jean being the fluffiest kid ever.) Alongside Marco, you three were tightly knit just like Eren, Armin, and Mikasa. How the three of you act around each other was so similar to their dynamic. Jean always had a reckless streak to him, Marco trailed after him to prevent him from getting hurt in any way, and you made sure that the two are being taken care of — the mother hen of the little group.

So, it was a great surprise that he was standing on your right side instead of Marco.

“I’m sorry for inviting you out of the blue, Eren,” you apologized, head leaning back to fully look him in the eye. There he noticed how you’re so small compared to him. Like the perfect huggable person for him. Okay, now he had to reel his thoughts from ever overstepping that boundary again. “I just remembered that you have a free day as well so I thought why not ask you, too.”

Well, if you put it that way. Eren scratched his nape. “It’s alright. It’s a good thing you invited me. I’d probably die of boredom in our dorm room.”

You lightly laughed before walking inside the huge bookstore outside of campus.

Eren watched your back, walking behind you and Jean. He felt a pinch inside his chest when Jean patted you on the head before pointing at a certain section of the store and walking off with his hands inside his pockets. You waved at the blond, turning your head slightly to invite Eren to walk closer to you. The brunet increased his pace and found his way beside you. He nonchalantly trailed his eyes over the book covers displayed on the center tables of the first floor. “Where’d Horseface go off to?”

You picked one book, flipping it to read the blurb on the back. You hummed before placing the novel back in its original place. “He has to pick some textbooks and novels for Literature. They’re studying classics right now.”

“Oh.” Eren slowly nodded. He followed you around, from the fiction aisle to the nonfiction aisle, until you two were in front of the graphic novel and manga section. He noticed your expression brighten at the array of colorful spines even though you have a couple of books in the crook of your elbow. “You read some manga?”

“Yeah,” you chirped, taking out a vibrant manga and cheering. “Wow, lucky! I’ve always wanted to buy this one but it’s always out of stock.”

He chuckled. Since he was here, might as well indulge and splurge on some volumes. Eren’s eyebrows raised at a certain title. “Never knew they sell these.” He admired the cover before flipping to the spine to see which volume it was. “It’s a later volume, too. Man, I’m not even in this arc in the show.”

“Ooh, that’s the one with the human-eating monsters, right?” You leaned over his side. Eren then shifted his body so that you could see the book in his hand. If someone were to see you two without any context, they would think the two of you were a couple with how close you were to him. Eren acted like this never affected him. He could smell your shampoo and perfume. They were a mix of scents that he never knew he needed — something fruity that’s not too strong but noticeable enough to let him know it was from you. It was like your very presence calmed him down and at the same time made him tingle with nerves. “Oh, look, Eren, they have the first volume here.”

“Yeah?” Eren looked up and followed your finger. “Nice. I’ve been thinking of buying the manga.”

“You should buy it.”

“Well, you should recommend something to accompany this one.” He lifted the first volume while returning the one he picked up earlier.

“Hmm.” You furrowed your eyebrows — it was somewhat your thinking face. “How about we go back to the horror and mystery section. I think you’d love some titles over there!”

Eren snickered. Ever since he mentioned to you that he loved the thrill of horror movies and the anticipation of murder mysteries through your nightly chats, you were recommending all sorts of films to him and he would be lying if he said he didn’t like all of them. “Lead the way, pretty girl.”

The bounce in your step was enough for Eren to follow you. Every time you pick up a book, he would lean over your shoulder, the proximity coloring the tip of his ears with the prettiest shade of carnation.

He thanked his longer hair for covering any evidence of his reaction to you because if it didn’t, Jean would be looking at him at the counter like he knew something and was thinking too much about it. Eren would’ve retorted something along the lines of “stop thinking too much, it would hurt yourself” but all he could do was stare right back at Jean’s judgmental face. But when you turned around to wait for the two boys, that was when Jean took the initiative to say, “And you were bitching about being the third wheel.” He scoffed before paying for his required books. “I should be the one doing that.”

“What are you talking about, Horseface?” Eren hissed. He caught you looking up from your phone, almost as if you had a radar for every time Eren and Jean butted heads. He lowered his voice to not alert you again. “I don’t understand what you’re saying, Kirchstein.”

“Please,” Jean drawled. “You like her, don’t you?”

Eren froze. “O-Of course! Sh-She’s a close friend! She’s Mikasa’s roommate and Armin’s college buddy!”

Jean deadpanned him. “Don’t give me that crap.”

“It’s true!” Again, you looked at the two of them with concern. Eren shook his head. “I like her but not in the way you think.”

Jean was quiet for a while, his expression unreadable as he waited for Eren to finish paying for his books. “But if you do like her in the way that I think, make sure you tell her, blockhead.” He slowly turned his head to Eren. The seriousness he carried caused a chill to run down Eren’s spine. It was rare to see this side of Jean and it almost always surfaced when it came to you. “If you ever realize that you like like her—”

Eren laughed. “What are we, thirteen? Like like her—?”

“I’m not playing, Jaeger. Tell her the moment you realize. I know you won't lose anything when you do.”

“Won’t lose anything?” Eren exclaimed in disbelief, even laughing under his breath. “I value my friendship with her just as much as I value my friendship with you guys. I can’t just—”

“So, you do like her. More than just being friends. More than just a teeny crush.”

Eren paused, eyes searching for a way out by darting his stare on Jean’s blank face. He looked away when he felt like it was too much. It was too early to admit to himself that what he felt for you was more than just infatuation. He hastened his pace towards you, leaving behind a sighing Jean in his heels. He chose not to answer the taller boy’s question because that would mean he admitted it and if he admitted it … then, everything involving you would change. Every single thing you’ll do, Eren will view it as something else. He would look at you with rose-colored glasses, one that was more pigmented than what he was wearing now. He would avoid this whenever Armin brought it up but now that Jean did it, your best friend, he felt like hiding.

So, you do like her.

It was not even a question.

You looked at him with a smile. “Done already?” You adjusted your tote bag over your shoulder.

Eren nodded, seemingly in a trance.

“Great! Where do you want to eat lunch? Any type of food you’re feeling?”

Jean reached you two and side-eyed Eren knowingly.

“Uh, wherever you want to eat, I guess.”

“You sure?” You raised an eyebrow.

Eren nodded again. “I’m sure I’d like it regardless.”

“Okay,” you smiled. “Jean?”

“Somewhere with unlimited ice tea.”

You and Eren slowly stared at the taller male. “That’s oddly specific, Horseface.”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion, blockhead.”

When you finally found a place near the bookstore, the three of you made your way out of the establishment and walked for a couple of minutes. It was only when you ordered for your group inside the chosen restaurant did Jean once again talk to Eren. He was crossing his arms and leaning back on his chair while the brunet was sitting straight with his elbows on the table. “Think about it, Jaeger. I’ve known her for more than ten years and [Name] isn’t the type of person to make the first move. By not doing anything, you’re already losing and missing out on something extraordinary.”

If only Eren followed that advice.

“Here’s to us passing our finals!” Sasha shouted in your booth.

Everyone cheered. It was worthy of a celebration if all of your friends passed (even barely) the final exams. Eren felt proud of himself for doing so, even getting congratulations from his parents back in his hometown. After sleepless nights of revisions and running on caffeine, he felt refreshed at the unlimited iced tea at the Korean barbecue place they agreed on. He was sipping on his beverage while watching his friends take turns grilling the meat. Their table was one of the longest and loudest but he couldn’t blame them for acting this way since everyone never had time to hang out while studying for the exams.

“Man, I really thought I was gonna fail Ackerman’s class,” Connie laughed in relief. “Do you remember when he marked Jean’s paper with so many red corrections that we couldn’t read it anymore in Marco’s apartment?”

Sasha snorted. “He blamed it on the onions. And they weren’t even cut yet.”

Jean choked with red cheeks. “Because it really is!”

You laughed along with your friends, pointing at the sputtering blond. “Oh, no, Jean-boy! You were doing the full-on ‘dishonoring my family and our cow’ speech!”

“One failed assignment was all it took to humble Jean,” Marco snickered.

“Marco!” the subject of the conversation whined.

“I wished his humbling moment lasted,” Mikasa murmured, hitting the bulls-eye.

“Ooh! And that’s coming from Mikasa!” Connie cackled.

“I hate you guys,” Jean grumbled, his hand grazing the grill. “Ah, fuck! … Sasha, that’s my meat! No, give that back!”

“You take too long grilling it. This is mine now!”

“This is not even your side of the table. You should be sharing a grill with Mikasa, Eren, and [Name]!”

“This is charred, by the way.”

“You fucker. Then, give it back if all you do is complain!”

“Nuh-uh. Cry and I might.”

Eren shook his head at the chaos ensuing at your table. There was a point where a piece of meat flew from Jean and Sasha’s chopsticks and Armin had to intervene or else the servers would ask for your group to tone it down.

The brunet placed his glass of iced tea on a coaster and took the tongs to grill another batch of meat and vegetables. Eren glanced at you the moment a plate of wedged potatoes came to your table after Sasha requested them. You let out a little ‘wow’, eyes sparkling at the vegetable. He rolled the sleeves of his sweater and started taking pieces of potato before Sasha finished all of them, grilling them until the grill lines became visible on the surface. One by one, he carefully placed them on your plate. There was now a small pile of potatoes on your portion and when Eren noticed that it was getting too much, he switched to putting small strips of meat instead. As his mother said — a meal should be balanced. His brilliant emerald irises flickered to you to check if he did the delivery successfully, only to be met with your confused (adorable) face. The two of you stared at each other for a moment, you in disbelief while he was expectant for you to start eating.

“Eren, you’re going to give [Nickname] a stomachache.”

Eren reluctantly turned to Mikasa, who was blankly regarding the pile of meat and vegetables on your plate.

“Stop taking everything, Eren!” Sasha complained from beside the black-haired girl.

The brunet could only blink. He swiftly brought his attention back to you. “Is your stomach alright?”

“He’s ignoring me, Mikasa!”

Mikasa sighed. “We’ll just request for more, I guess.”

Her knowing glance was still there as she called for a waiter to put in the needed food. For someone who tended to eat too much and too fast when they were still in middle and high school, it was unexpected for Eren to offer someone what was on the table. He was the type to get his portion way before anyone else (a hoarder), gobbling it down like a vacuum, and coming back for more. This wasn’t the first time Eren got out of his way to give you his snacks and meals. Every time Mikasa caught a glimpse of it, it never failed to bring some suspicions to mind. It seemed like she wasn’t the only one to notice it because Armin just sent her a sly glance.

You lightly laughed. “No, I just think I couldn’t finish all of these.” You picked up a slice of meat with your chopsticks and stuffed it in your mouth. You chewed and swallowed before saying, “But thank you, ‘Ren, I appreciate this.”

Eren sheepishly laughed under his breath. “No problem. I wouldn't want you to run out of meat to eat.”

“What about you, though?”

“Nah, don’t worry about me, pretty girl. I’m just full seeing you eat.”

A snort came from the other end of the table and Eren felt his face burn. He didn’t have to turn to see Jean trying to compose himself while whispering the word simp behind his fist. Eren inwardly rolled his eyes. There’s nothing wrong with being like that, at least in his opinion. He couldn’t help but worry over you in the most minuscule of things. You wanted someone to walk you back to your dorm? No problem, he’s on the way. Do you need someone to be your study buddy for midterms? Eren was right in front of you, willing to ask you questions from your revision notes. You wanted someone to listen to your troubles? He’s the one for the job. Okay, maybe he was being a simp most of the time but that was beside the point. He enjoyed these things he did for you.

And it was the only way where he could express his feelings without looking like a fool to your friends.

“Come on, say ah,” you playfully stated, meat between your chopsticks and in front of his mouth.

Eren now felt the warmth on his cheeks travel towards his ears and neck. “Y-You don’t have to.”

“I insist. You’ve been grilling since we sat down. It’s the least I could do for our resident grillmaster.”

He stared at your hand, which is much smaller than his. Everything about you was leagues smaller than him and he wanted to wrap you in his arms and never let go. His eyes then trailed over to your smiling face. God, that smile could be the death of him. It was just making his heart race out of his chest until he felt numb from the feeling and the butterflies invigorate it once more to do it all over again. It was a never-ending cycle that revolved around you. He knew that everyone on the table was watching with expectant grins, having pointed out that you two acted like a couple without being one. So, Eren braved himself to wrap his wrist around yours, guiding your hand to successfully feed him the meat he grilled for you. For some reason, it was more delicious than the previous ones he ate. While he was chewing, he looked at you under his eyelashes, mesmerized at how close you were to him.

If only you two were alone right now.

He badly wanted to kiss you breathless and senseless until you two are the only people on earth.

“Wow, I feel so single right now.”

Connie’s dry declaration snapped you two out of your trance.

“Connie, you idiot! You ruined it,” Armin hissed.

“What?” Connie looked around and found blank stares directed at him. “Oh, come on, don’t tell me I’m the only one who felt single while looking at those two.”

Mikasa clicked her tongue. “I’m going to throttle you if you say one more word.”

“What?! Why?”

“Connie, this is why you’re single,” Jean muttered.

“Why are you ganging up on me now?!”

Sasha shook her head. “You just make it so easy.”

“I hate you guys!”

Eren glanced at you from the corners of his eyes, face still burning from the recent moment. Your hair was covering most of your side profile so he couldn’t see your reaction at all. Were you wary of him now? That was a close call. He was thinking about kissing you out of nowhere. He was such an idiot to think of you like that. The moment his brain conjured certain images of you, he would put a stop to it because he knew he was more than that. It was basic human decency. It would be awkward facing you after dreaming about you under him on his bed, your face the epitome of beauty in every angle. He wanted to say sorry for crossing the line but you tucked your hair behind your ear, giving him a clear view of your flustered expression.

It made him see stars.

Who knew he wasn’t the only one affected… Eren thought it was probably because of Connie’s statement. He instantly deflated at the thought.

Eren went back to eating his portion of the meat, which was not that many because Sasha gobbled them all. While he was picking at his rice with half-lidded eyes, a pair of chopsticks appeared on his plate, dropping a piece of potato and a strip of meat. He looked up with bright eyes at the view of you giving him a pulchritudinous smile.

“That’s me returning the favor, ‘Ren,” you told him before going back to eating and joining in a conversation.

Without thinking much, Eren wiped his hands on a napkin and reached down to the first compartment of his bag. He turned to face you and gently gathered your hair in a low ponytail. Yes, it was adorable seeing you tucking your hair to eat comfortably but it looked like it bothered you since you couldn’t duck down that much.

As Eren looped your locks through the extra hair tie he carried around just in case he lost his current one, he missed the way your eyes sparkled while letting him tidy up your hair. He didn’t know that his soft hands sent a flurry of spring blossoms inside your chest and it ought to stay that way with all this dancing-around you two were doing. So, when Eren straightened in his seat, the only thing he could make out from your face was gratitude in the form of a wide smile, he didn’t see the flash of affection passing like a comet within your irises. He didn’t notice Mikasa giving you a playful smirk, with your reply as a glare.

Eren was stuck in his little world because all he could think of was that it even hurts just to touch your hair.

Eren plays every single moment he has with you inside the karaoke room.

Despite the flashing lights, the dim setting, the video on the huge screen in front of your group, all Eren can focus on is your effervescent figure jumping up and down to the beat of the current song. The microphone is snug in your hold, your face in a permanent smile as you belt out the notes that got the rest of your friend group cheering. Sasha and Connie act like they’re your backup dancers while Mikasa films your performance with a fond look on her usually stoic face. Armin also has his phone out, acting as your cameraman, ready to put everything in his social media posts; Marco is cheering for you like how a proud mother does to her favorite child; and Jean is in possession of the other microphone, your other half in every karaoke night-out.

There are so many things happening at once but Eren never looks away from you.

A lot of things have changed after graduation. His hair (he chopped everything off), everyone having stable jobs, some of their friends finding potential life-long partners, his outlook in life — they’re just several things Eren can list. One thing never changes and it’s his way of seeing you differently from anyone else and the hope that one day you might see him the same way.

Once again, he’s transported to a very different scenario.

“I didn’t know you could sing,” he said in a way of greeting while entering your dorm room, a place that has seen so many memories play out within its four walls.

There were moments where Eren felt brave for some reason, risking the reveal of his feelings to get a daily dose of you. One of these moments was when he discovered you have a heavenly voice. In his hands were take-outs from your favorite restaurant in the university square. Eren thought that since Mikasa was out most of the week for her internship, he would take on the role of being your unofficial roomie, always bringing you food when you overwork yourself to burnout and letting you vent to the point of crying on his shoulder. A small voice told him that this was what boyfriends do and it never failed to make his heart flutter.

For now, he was holding onto these moments and pretending that he really was your boyfriend and he was taking care of you like how boyfriends do.

You were on your bed, looking up from burning your eyes with your iPad, and exhaustedly smiled at the sight of him. You opened your arms, the sleeves of your oversized wooly cardigan covering your hands.

Eren swooned at the image in front of him. He placed the paper bags of food on your desk and pulled you in a hug. “Damn, you’re shivering, pretty girl.” The nickname stuck and he wouldn’t have it any other way. He looked down at you while you stared up at him with your chin on his abdomen.

“I was too lazy to adjust the air conditioner,” you muttered before burying your face in his shirt.

The brunet breathed an endeared laugh, lifting a hand to pat the crown of your head. (Like boyfriends do.) “Let me adjust it for you. You’re already working hard enough as it is.”

“You’re the best, ‘Ren,” you told him and it went directly to his heart.

When the air conditioner was in the right setting and you were happily munching on the food he brought for you, Eren brought it up again. “I didn’t know you can sing,” he voiced out through a mouthful of his food. You looked up from stuffing your face with something that wasn’t instant ramen or convenience-store meals. Eren snorted at your puff-up cheeks, gulping down his food before wiping some sauce at the corner of your mouth.

You hummed as thanks. You slightly looked down to not meet Eren’s gaze. There’s always something about his eyes that makes your heart race. That would be a question for another time. You took a deep breath, laughing lightly while taking a piece of gyoza from his take-out. He let you. “You never asked.”

“Now, I am. Who else knows?”

“Miki caught me singing once and she asked me to sing something for her. She said something about my voice helping her fall asleep.”

Cue the many times Eren was jealous of Mikasa when it came to you. “Well, I understand why Meeks likes your voice, pretty girl. It’s beautiful as you.”

Time stood still as you two stared at each other, both of you sporting flustered expressions that one might think that you two are fumbling middle-schoolers with their first crush. Eren never forgot that night because your eyes were sparkling with something that he couldn’t pinpoint. Nonetheless, it sent his heart racing. He remembered how you stuttered your thanks, opting to stuff your face with your food again. Once Eren got out of his trance, he only smiled at you with that besotted look he has whenever you’re around and scooted closer to you. Even if you two ate in silence, he couldn’t ask for anything more.

And as you twirl under the disco lights of the karaoke room, he’s reminded that this love story of his is him being in the front-row seat and you’re the brightest star of the night.

Eren closes his eyes and pretends he has the courage worthy of a chivalric deed.

He pretends that when you sit beside him after singing your song, he gently holds your wrist and pulls you close so that he can whisper, “I have to talk to you.” He pretends while your dulcet voice consumes him that you stare up at him confused while he stands up with you in tow and you’re asking, “What’s happening, ‘Ren? Where are you taking me?” Eren runs his hand through his short hair and pretends that you two got out of the karaoke place and he’s standing in front of you, admiring how beautiful you look tonight. His throat clogs up and he tries so hard to voice out his emotions through all the daffodils rooting themselves inside him. You wait for him with that pulchritudinous smile of yours that got him swooning, “It’s okay, ‘Ren, take your time.” Then, he opens his mouth to say the words he’s kept hidden for more than four years and your eyes would carry a thousand stars.

“I love you.”

Eren tightly closes his eyes, missing how you’re longingly yearning for him from across the karaoke room, the song reaching its last chorus.

Mikasa notices you trailing off, letting Jean take the lead in the song with Armin under his arm and Marco taking the role of cameraman — the three laughing their asses off. Mikasa’s heart breaks at the look on your face. Now, she knows why you picked this song. It was weird at first and she chose to brush this off. Now it makes sense.

You’re saying goodbye.

Mikasa follows your eyes and she’s greeted with the sight of Eren with his eyes closed, isolated from the fun. She feels pity wash over her, something that she has no control over. It was him you’re crying over that Mikasa had to hug you to sleep. It was him that you talked to her about with your beautiful smile. It was him you wished to bake cookies and pastries with on a spring day. Eren doesn’t know how lucky of a bastard he is that he caught the attention of the most brilliant girl to exist on the planet. Mikasa curses, “You fucking idiot, Eren.” She then watches you look away with teary eyes and it hurts her seeing you pretend everything is okay.

You plaster a huge smile on your face, the last chorus now colored with your voice.

It’s bittersweet because the moment you turn to your friends, Eren opens his eyes, misty with all the pretending he did in his mind.

He takes one look at you.

You never once look back at him.

You’re not Eren’s soulmate. It squeezes his chest in the most hurtful way possible but he’s slowly accepting it. Maybe if he chose to show his emotions in a completely different way, all this pretending wouldn’t even happen. Maybe if this were in a different worldline, he’d be brave enough to shout out that he loves you so much that it hurts just reaching out to tug on your hair. Maybe if he really did pull you out of the karaoke place to confess … Eren stopped the scenario in his head when it’s your turn to say something. He doesn’t want to know your reply and he won’t ever subject himself to hurt just overthinking about it.

Because one thing remains true even if this one-man show ends, you’re so beautiful and Eren will always be a part of the audience.

So, as you sing out the last note of the song, Eren says goodbye.

And it feels like Fate is mocking him because you look even more beautiful tonight.

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