Fear - Blog Posts

Life is...

I paint with my pencil graphite on paper heart on display an image, a word evoke emotion but will never mean what it did to me when it occurred. Just a reminder a place holder in time a memory as art.

Hopeless devotion.

you were so good.

never better.

every word.

every letter.

meticulous.

flawless.

right down to... the way you dress.

Everything... in its place.

that soft look... on your face.

those promises... that we made.

you said they meant... everything.

all your hopes... and all your dreams.

never suspected... anything.

you were so warm.

I melt for you.

Ill do anything.

Just ask me to.

highway dreams.

top down, Your long brown hair whipping behind you. v8 roaring down the highway. American muscle. no one around. Just you and the night. living day by day, mile by mile. wind in our hair. only stop moving long enough to fuck on the back seat. maybe the hood. cold nights we cling tight. no obligations. no destinations. no love. just life. just passion. Just freedom just the blood in our veins. Places we've never been. Things we''d never see. vacant of anything that might be construed as "our old lives" a free spirit and a broken heart, a filthy world. the smell of exhaust and leather and sex. we'll make our money as we can here or there. thrills around every corner. your next step might be your last. life and death in constant feud. the wild west, land pirates. drifters. So many names thatll never do justice. what are we runing away from? or are we running forward? Running at all? When things get too heavy we'll quiet eachothers mouths with our tounge. always longing but never for too long. we'll push it down. itll creep back up down the road.to suffer is to be holy. to be free is to be lonely. to understand is to expierience. Im sure we'll part just as we came. no warning no hello, no good bye. Theres no end to this story. There must be something to fill that void. theres only one way to find out. come on... lets go for a ride.

Coming and Going

we’re alone. all by our selves in this unfair world no one cares. what we do or where we go  so why should we? anger burning it comes and numbing it goes. its nothing new to us. driving down these one way roads no one told us where to go and i think this map we have is too old. all we can do now is hope. all alone. our faces  blend into the crowd I guess no one hears us when we speak aloud. so why should we? love burning it comes and numbing it goes its nothing new to us. driving down these one way roads it doesnt matter where we go and I think this plan we had was old. all we do now is hope

fear

Fear is the rejection of reality based on illusions/ irrational reasons/ faulty perceptions

‘Nuff said.

“But you said there was no possible way I could scare you Ellie. I remember the conversation clearly. You and I were finishing tea, it was a very warm Monday afternoon and you were rather determined in both tone and expression. In fact, you were certain to stand as you spoke, emphasizing your position on just how confident you were that nothing I could do would frighten you. Would make you cling to what little might be left of your self respect. And yet here you are, your barely clothed body pressed against a cold wall, a position I might add, you put yourself in. And me, but a step away from you, simply looking down at the torn and tattered mess you have become.  It amuses me that you think I am going to stop. That you somehow feel you will talk your way out of this predicament. Oh certainly you have your safe word which I will always respect. Something tells me you are a little tongue tied though. Go ahead. Use it. I will honour it now as I have in the past. You do not want to though, do you pet? No, you want to fight back, to resist, to prove to me you are not afraid. I like that. I appreciate the will of a doll, the determination of a feisty girl. So please, continue. Fight me. Give it everything you have. It will make your demise that much more enjoyable. For the moment your bottom lip begins to tremble and your beautiful eyes shimmer with tears, the knowledge that you no longer can fight the terror, will be my victory and the mere beginning of a night of succulent torment.”

if you follow your heart sometimes it brings sadness or pain but sometimes it brings true happiness. if you never follow your heart it doesn't matter if you are shielding yourself hurt, you will simply never be happy.

so you dated the wrong person and learned a hard lesson. you chose the wrong major and had to start over again. you cherished a friend who backstabbed you. it sucks, but it’s also going to work out. that’s life; you learn, hurt, love, cry, laugh, and keep going. you experience setbacks and you grow and it’s all okay.

Monster mash

Questioning Butterlfies

“After the determined caterpillar climbs its heights and death defyingly dangles from its limbs and commits to a CrossFit Games effort to cocoon itself… there is nothing to say that its cocooned transformation is painless. In a state too vulnerable for the everyday elements it exists in, left with a shield like barrier and itself, it submits itself to a process that literally resculpts its entire being. And there is no evidence that it just slumbers peacefully; or basks - spa like - im a sauna of in-depth and intrinsic and intimate transformation. Physically and mentally. This being is being equipped to fly. One, that could only walk, is now expected to be adept to and have the awareness of one whose means of transports is inexperienced and virtually unfathomable. And there is no evidence that this transformation is painless. As such, I no longer imagine or anticipate my transformative moments or years to be pleasant, or calm, or comfortable. I now prepare for the fears of vulnerability; the burns of recasting my metaphorical heart; the blunt traumas of forced change; the spasms of exhaustion; the fatigue of trying to understand and link past, through my present into my future. And there is no promise that I can even fathom the awareness, comprehension, and/or the innate instinct that i will become. I wish that I could ask the transforming caterpillar: ‘What keeps you going? Do you even know what a butterfly is? Do you even want to change?’ Because I have been burdened, I have climbed and begun to cocoon myself (out of instinct, off of reaction) and amidst being fully committed to seeing this transformation through - I’m finding myself vastly under-aware and under-prepared… and that is slowly becoming okay. I remind myself to, ‘Trust your Nature’... and then… forcefully Trust my Nature , again… until I have transcended form - anew.” - Pati3ntWo1f (09132019)