He Isn't Anywhere Near As Scummy As I Planned - Blog Posts

What will happen if we combine Scumbag! Hawks + BirdBrain! Hawks? 👀👀

Dealing With an Asshole Bird (NSFW)

(This is more obsessive than scummy, but I hope it pleases!)

Warning for Yandere vibes

— Birdbrain!Hawks is a dumbass, but he’s a powerful dumbass. If he has his sights on you, you’re gonna have a hard time escaping.

— You’ll find this bastard in your home somehow, tidying up your room to impress you. He’s very patronizing as he describes how messy your ‘nest’ is. “Good thing you’ve got an organized guy like me around to help you out. Lucky girl!” He brought some of his belongings as well, and combines your stuff with his to transform your bed.

— Don’t lay on the bed. Settling on the nest that he made tells him that you accept his proposal to be your mate. Turn around and go sleep on the couch or something. Actually, just leave the house.

— Wait, don’t do that either. What are you gonna do, tell people that the Number 2 hero broke into your house and began aggressively rearranging your things? He’ll just chase you down and get everyone on his side in no time.

— Well I guess you’re Hawks’s mate for now. At least the sex is good. He’ll always give you a grooming session after doing the deed, but he’s still talking down on you every other minute. “You’re always such a mess after I fuck you. At least I’m not the type to bang and leave. Without me, you’d just be lying here...all sticky and fucked out.”

— Hawks negotiates with the Commission until they allow him to bring you along during work. After all, he can’t let his careless and helpless mate out of his sight. The Commission is very aware that he’s an idiot bird and will entertain his avian side if it means he keeps doing his job well.

“You can’t just put me in danger while you fight villains!” You say.

“Aww, my baby bird forgot that she’s talking to one of the top heroes. Like I’ll let you get hurt on my watch. You’re so precious ʸᵒᵘ ᶜᵘᵗᵉ ᵈᵘᵐᵇ ᵇᶦᵗᶜʰ.”  

— He’s extra flashy around you, using unnecessary and extravagant moves while you try to stay out of harm’s way. If you try to run off when he isn’t paying attention, he’ll screech and hop around in a tantrum. To prevent an angry birb, praise him and feed him strips of meat every time he rescues someone or catches a villain.

— He’ll become a panicked squawking mess if you escape him, and the Commission is going to hunt you down because “Hawks is going apeshit so get your ass back over there.”

— You’ll get a scolding once you’re returned to him. A surprisingly angry one. “Do you know how dangerous it is running off alone? You don’t have any talons or wings to defend yourself with!” Try tossing a dark cloth or blanket over his head. The darkness will calm him and he’ll quickly forget what he was so pissed about.

— What are you doing eating that solid food? You might choke, silly bird. Let Hawks eat and regurgitate your meal. Now it’s mushy with a coating of wet love! You’re just staring at the gross pile of pulp while he eagerly stares at you like:

“Hawks...uh...this is very sweet of you, but I can eat whole foods just fine. In fact, I’m not even hungry right n--”

“Nevermind this shit looks bomb and I can’t wait to gobble it up.”

— I know you really don’t want to, but try to keep your ‘meal’ down while he’s around.

— You’re not allowed to be near mirrors alone. There’s always another winged bastard hanging out with you. Hawks has no idea how he keeps getting into the house, and he looks just like him, like he’s trying to fool you. And knowing how clueless you are, it might work! For all Hawks knows, you probably brought the imposter home because you thought it was him!

“Hawks, calm down! It’s you in the mirror!” You say.

“Are you serious? You really can’t tell me apart from this asshole?!” He says while sounding truly hurt by your words.

— He attacks the mirror, shatters it, and knocks himself unconscious. When he wakes up, he discovers that the phony is finally gone! Sure, Hawks may have blacked out and is suddenly covered in cuts, but the bastard is finally gone! Serves him right!

— Ah shit the fake fucker is back in another mirror.