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It's 3:02 AM where I live. I haven't showered in around 2 months. I'm afraid of showering because it's horribly uncomfortable and It gives me gender dysphoria. I'm stuck in a constant cycle of loving things/ideas/people with my whole soul to hating them with my whole soul. I don't have a source of income. I don't know how to drive. I live with people that feel like strangers to me. There is only 2 people in this world I would say that I love. I have no friends. I don't talk to my biological father. Whenever I vent I feel like I'm burdening the ones I love with my problems. I can't be myself around anyone but my sibling. I feel tired all the time. I feel angry all the time. I can never get enough sleep. Even though I hate wearing a mask around other people I feel like I have to to convince them not to abandon me. I don't and have never understood who I am at any given moment. I've done terrible things. I have horrible intrusive thoughts that I block out with music. I'm hardly good at anything. I can barely recall anything from my childhood that wasn't painful or traumatic in some way.
It's 3:30 now. Might add more.