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i used to identify as a lesbian pretty stubbornly. when my parter came out as trans, ftm, i didnt think it would effect everything. my philosophy up until that point has been that i loved him more than i cared about my label. i decided to call myself queer, and everything else was between myself and my partner.
at one point, i truly did love him, but i didnt realize i loved the feminine version of him. the version who thought of me, and loved me femininely, and looked at me femininely. as far as i knew, i loved him for how he loved me.
he started testosterone a while after we were together. at first i noticed changes, but i figured their would be. i guess i just didnt realize how intense those changes would be for his personality.
he used to look at me a certain way. now he looks at me like a cis man would look at me. he still loved me, but i felt his previous admiration and idolization of me turn into something more sexual, desire. i dont think he has even noticed the shift either. as far as he knows, this is how he's always loved me.
i remember the first time i thought i didnt want a relationship with him forever. i remember the first realization i had that breaking up is an option, and its okay. i remember reading somewhere that if you think about breaking up, then your relationship is doomed to fail. while i think breaking up should be a last resort, that advice was right. the second i considered, or even acknowledged that this wasn't what i wanted, i knew my relationship was doomed.
dating a trans man made me realize that i crave a feminine love, and its been so long since i've properly taken care of myself. i need to let him go soon but i still care about him. i don't want to hurt him but i have to.
i care about him, but i don't love him anymore. its almost time i accept that and proceed to move forward into the next step for me. i will never regret the time we shared, but i do regret not realizing how i felt sooner, and acting sooner.