I Literally Started Crying - Blog Posts

snapshoot!

when march 7th takes photos, she notices something unusual about dan heng—he's never looking at the camera!

(why? because he's looking at you.)

dan heng ♡ gn!reader

warnings: dan heng may be ooc (he's smitten), march is a little delusional (but she's right), reader is not trailblazer (but is a trailblazer)

notes: guys i simultaneously peaked and flopped whilst writing this

when march 7th takes photos, she sees moments that people miss.

"say cheese!"

like the way only one side of welt's lips turn when he forces a smile, or the way himeko has to rest her hands on pom-pom to keep them from facing the wrong direction.

she sees a lot of things, from the way stelle holds her arm up to flex, to the way you tilt your head a little, smiling at her camera with your eyes, a peace sign coming up to the side of your face.

click!

when march 7th takes photos, she sees the way dan heng smiles a little, the way his usually sharp gaze becomes soft, his furrowed brows beginning to relax. it's odd, though, because he never seems to be looking at the camera; so she follows the direction of his gaze, gasping once it lands on you.

oho! march thinks. now, this is something!

dan heng is a man of aloofness, of tenderness masked with apathy, but when he looks at you—oh, when he looks at you—he can't help but adore the way you smile, your grin reaching your eyes. when you hold bunny ears over stelle's fallen form (she flexed too hard), dan heng can't help but stare at you for a couple seconds longer, observing the crinkle of your eyes to the curl of your lips, your lashes fluttering as you wait expectantly for the familiar click!

if he were march, he would keep this moment in particular. he'd zoom in on your face—vividly beautiful, vividly radiant—and he'd take a photo then. he'd make sure to capture the way your eyes glimmer under the train's light, the way you glow and glow, bringing space to a standstill, putting the brightest sun to shame.

your existence makes a lover of him. because dan heng never really noticed the way people smile, or the way they stare anxiously, trying to keep their eyes open for long enough before the camera goes off. dan heng never really noticed the way people fidget anxiously from side to side, as if the countdown mattered more than the moment itself.

but when it comes to you, dan heng can't help but notice everything. he notices the way you bite back a laugh when stelle stumbles, the way your smile widens when pom-pom impatiently stomps their feet, complaining about how long the camera is taking. dan heng notices a lot about you—everything about you, maybe—and he can't help but smile a little too.

your existence etches itself onto his face. it's in the way his lips curl into the slightest of smiles, mimicking but a fraction of your grandeur, the way he stares at you, drinking in your features and letting them permeate into his organs, his tissues.

your existence is so prominent that it's evident in the way dan heng tilts his head a little too, the way he acts so unlike himself, it's only possible because it's you.

(it's only ever possible because it's you.)

click!

before he knows it, however, the camera flashes and dan heng has missed his cue. he stiffens a little, averting his eyes from your figure a second too late.

oh, is all he thinks, noticing the way march giggles deviously to herself from behind the camera.

"stelle!" you suddenly exclaim, "why'd you fall down earlier?" your words are interrupted briefly by giggles, your grin growing larger.

"i dunno... i totally lost aura points, though."

everyone laughs, and dan heng can't help but crack a smile. when he smiles, however, he isn't looking at stelle, or pom-pom, or anyone else for that matter, he is looking wholly at you.

(it's only ever possible because it's you.)

in your presence, dan heng wields wings made of wax. to him, it doesn't matter if you are brighter than the grandest sun, because you've made a lover of him, and this lover will reach for your light, he will fly and fly, just to bask in your warmth and to fall soon after.

it's common sense to not approach the sun with wax wings. but for once, all sense of rationale and logic evades him, because dan heng has found something greater than logic, greater than sense. he has found you, and although his skin burns, and his wax wings deteriorate, he reaches out.

(it's only ever possible because it's you.)

in your presence, dan heng becomes unlike himself. his expression becomes softer, and his shoulders begin to relax. in your presence, dan heng becomes a lover, his gaze belonging entirely to you, his existence—from the moment this life begun, to the moment it ends—following hopelessly after yours.

your existence overshadows the world, your presence beaming with incomparable radiance. when you smile, dan heng feels his heart throb.

he feels his chest ache, and his mind goes blank. because when you smile, dan heng wants to memorize the sight, he wants to breathe you in and keep you safely within himself, to be carried onto every incarnation, to be remembered by every atom and cell he has.

this love of his transcends time itself. it transcends lifetimes, because although dan heng would like to leave his previous identities behind, and he'd like to start anew with every rebirth, you are the only thing that's keeping him here.

because closer to him than his very bones, you are there. you are here, in this lifetime and the next.

you are his identity. you are his lifetime. you are everything and anything in this vast, great galaxy.

first and foremost, however, you are you, and that might just be the grandest thing of them all.

when march 7th takes photos, she sees the way dan heng looks at you. his gaze always seems to instinctively drift over you before reaching the lens, his icy turquoise eyes melting soon afterwards.

dan heng is smitten! march thinks, giggling at the photo she just printed out. whereas everyone is occupied with stelle's bodybuilding journey, she's fixated on dan heng's expression in the photo.

his irises hold your reflection, a sliver of his soul slipping past his pupils and worshipping your existence. if march squints a little, she can see dan heng's subconscious taking shape in his eyes—its form resembles you, you, you.

when he looks at you, dan heng becomes someone new. his gaze is so gentle, so adoring, march has to rub her eyes in order to confirm whether or not what she's seeing is true.

you emanate from his eyes, from his existence.

a photo later, you smile, and so does dan heng. the edges of his lip curl up, eyes still belonging to you, whilst you remain completely oblivious. you don't seem to notice dan heng's adoring look, his newfound identity as he offers to you his irises, his pupils, his soul.

across all the photos, dan heng hardly looks at the camera. maybe for one or two, but immediately in the next, he returns to you, staring.

march grins, examining each photograph. she takes the time to dig beyond her recent photos, traveling all the way back to belobog, when stelle was first introduced to the team.

even then, dan heng's attention was yours. in almost every photo she saw, he was always looking at you, his eyes crinkling, ever so slightly, at the corners.

but his love goes beyond the mere crinkle his eyes, because march notices the way he would remain an arms-length away from you, as if he were afraid to close in the distance and stand fully by your side. yet at the same time, it seemed as though he was afraid to let that distance grow—as if you'd slip away from him, drifting beyond the atmosphere. his atmosphere.

his eyes, however, manage to close that distance. whenever he can't be near you, dan heng's gaze would make up for his heart's loss, filling in what couldn't be tangible. so, he stares. on and on.

but march doesn't want that; she wants this to become real, for dan heng to break through the barrier of fantasy and finally, finally love! she wants his love to become palpable, for you to notice his gaze, his adoration.

she wants your eyes to meet his, for his longing to be returned. after all, it's no fun pining all the time!

i've got to take the reins! march thinks with the snap of her fingers, grinning mischievously once she notices dan heng trying to sneak off to the comfort of his room.

little does he know, march is an expert in love, and she's not going to let this case remain unresolved!

now that she thinks about it, you might have some feelings for dan heng too. sometimes, she would come into your room and it'd be empty, only for her to realize that you were in dan heng's, reading some math textbooks (written by doctor veritas ratio himself).

even though you hate math.

suspicious, march thinks, not-so-discreetly lurking behind a corner. very, very suspicious.

"i know you're there," dan heng states blandly, standing with his arms crossed.

march opts to remain silent. dan heng sighs.

"what you're thinking is wrong," dan heng tries to explain, his tone unamused. march steps out from behind the corner, a frown etched onto her face.

"how do you know what i'm thinking, huh?"

"it's written all over your face."

"well, i know what i'm thinking is right. you like [name]!" she points at him as if she were prosecuting him in court, only to wince once she hears her voice echo throughout the train's hallway.

oops. march's hand falls to her side, her eyes growing wide as she glances away from dan heng.

"ahaha... i mean, who wouldn't, though?" march tries to add, rubbing the back of her head anxiously. "right, dan heng?"

"they're not here right now," dan heng mutters, as if that were reassuring. despite his "kind" words, however, march can still feel his piercing glare. she shivers a little, but justice always comes first.

once more, march points at dan heng accusingly.

"now, how would you know that? i knew it! you're always watching them—you can't fool me, dan heng!"

"as the guard of the astral express, i need to know where everyone is at all times," dan heng states, his voice monotone.

march isn't easily defeated. "well, where's stelle?!"

"lobby."

"welt?!"

"lobby."

"himeko?!"

"lobby."

"is everyone at the lobby to you?" march asks, exasperated. dan heng shakes his head.

"the conductor is at the helm."

"well, obviously! where's [name], then?!"

"the buffet car."

"aha! notice how [name]'s location is the only one that's different?! that's 'cause you're keeping tabs on them, dan heng!"

"the conductor is at the helm."

"that's because the conductor is the conductor! and conductors have to conduct in the helm!"

dan heng deadpans, watching the way march mentally congratulates herself for such an intelligent line of reasoning. he uses this moment of weakness to slip away from her line of sight and lock himself in his room, free from march's madness.

"hey! don't run away!"

i already did, though? is all dan heng thinks, feigning ignorance to march's fists pounding against his door.

"fine! i was gonna be benevolent and consult you before [name], but since you're acting like this, i'm just gonna tell them right now!"

march stomps away from dan heng's room, making sure her steps are extra loud. a couple seconds pass, and dan heng's door slides open.

"heh, i knew it," she remarks triumphantly. dan heng sighs.

"don't tell them."

"why not?" march asks, genuinely confused. she notices the way dan heng glances away briefly (when usually, he maintains eye contact without a problem), and the way his fingers play nervously with the cuffs of his coat.

the concept of you is enough to make dan heng reincarnate anew. he becomes something else, shedding his previous apathetic identity in exchange for something lighter, something lovelier.

he's nervous, march realizes. that's a first!

at the mere thought of you, he shifts awkwardly from side to side, unsure of what to say. he loses his words, his throat closes up, and his heart—oh, his heart—aches.

"it'd be a burden," dan heng mutters, "i think it's best if things just stayed as is."

something tells march that dan heng has thought about this before; that he's spent many sleepless nights mulling this over, whatever this is. something tells march that dan heng has wanted to break the barrier of fantasy, that out of everyone in the world, the universe, he's wanted to do that the most. where else would he use this love of his?

"but what if they like you too?" march asks, suddenly sympathetic. dan heng shakes his head, a solemn expression on his face—it's unlike himself, to be so doubtful, but the sincerity of his frown makes march realize that this is real.

he really thinks he has no chance, she thinks. poor guy!

"they... have feelings for someone else." dan heng's voice drops, barely above a whisper. again, dan heng acts so unlike himself—it's in the way his gaze casts downwards, the way his expression loses his signature self-assuredness.

of all the things in this world, the only thing that can make dan heng doubt himself is you.

(it's only ever possible because it's you.)

so, the reason why he's only ever stared at [name] is because he thinks they like someone else? dan heng fills the grief of his heart through his eyes. when he looks at you, his irises can hold you because his hands cannot. when he looks at you, he can cherish your existence from afar, making up for the distance in between.

of all the things in the world, the only thing that can make dan heng suffer is you. because he's forced to orbit around you, because he's incapable of coming any closer—because dan heng's wax wings aren't strong enough for your incomparable light, your incomparable presence.

dan heng's wax wings aren't strong enough for anything but observing you from a distance: staring, staring.

"now, what makes you think that?" march queries, trying her best to comfort her friend. "if anything, i think [name] does like you!"

"they're always making stops at the luofu,"—at this point, dan heng doesn't even care if he reveals how much he knows about your whereabouts—"and they have regular meetings with the general."

subconsciously, dan heng's hand comes to reach for his hair, feeling the spot where horns used to sprout from his previous incarnation. if he were a life earlier, would you love him then?

march frowns before asking: "so, i guess you have your slow moments too, huh?"

dan heng blinks.

"[name] is going to the luofu so often because of you! they want to learn more about the vidyadhara! and guess who's a vidyadhara?"

dan heng blinks.

"that's what i thought!" march declares, finally basking in her long-awaited glory with outstretched arms. "once again, detective march prevails!"

"anyway, now that we've gotten over that hurdle, it's time we begin planning how you're going to confess to [name]! see, i had this idea, we should lay all of these pictures across their room—"

"that's creepy," dan heng states.

"only now are you choosing to be self-aware?" march retorts, offended. "fine! do you have any better ideas, then?"

silence. just as i thought, march thinks, crossing her arms. before she can say anything else, dan heng quickly turns around, his limbs becoming stiff as footsteps approach from down the hall.

march notices the way the tips of dan heng's ears begin to redden.

"oh, dan heng!" a familiar voice exclaims. "fancy seeing you here!"

"i live here," dan heng replies.

"you sure have a lot of attitude for someone who's turning into a tomato..." march mutters, loud enough for only dan heng to hear. he says nothing—too fixated on you, obviously.

"and march, too! hey!" you wave, and march returns the gesture with even more excitement. she rushes to take your hands in hers before bidding farewell to the bodyguard, intent on dragging you down the parlor car to her room.

but dan heng is quicker to react, because he positions himself in between the two of you and march's room, an unreadable expression on his face. the only telltale sign of his affection is the color of his ears—impossibly red, impossibly loved.

"what's going on?" you ask, genuinely confused. "are you beefing? i'm placing my bets on march, by the way."

dan heng sighs, but it's a different kind of sigh. it's a little lovesick, a little endearing, because although dan heng doesn't particularly care about silly comments, when you're the one saying it, it suddenly becomes acceptable.

(it's only ever possible because it's you.)

"yeah, we're beefing!" march interjects, ignoring the way dan heng glares at her with the might of a thousand suns.

you can't hurt me! march thinks, grinning. dan heng seems to catch on, because his brows begin to furrow and his slightly upturned lips—a result of your presence—thin into a line.

"huh? beefing?" stelle suddenly appears out of nowhere, wanting to join in on the action. "about what?"

"about dan heng's feelings!" march adds, feeling the way dan heng emits murderous intent.

"dan heng has feelings?" stelle asks.

"yes, yes! and guess who they're for?"

"pause," you interject. "dan heng has feelings for someone?"

aha! march thinks, tugging your hand towards herself. "does that make you feel any way, [name]? jealous, perhaps? murderous?!"

someone, at this very moment, is feeling very murderous.

"oh, i know, i know!" stelle pulls out a detective cap and a monocle, a toothy grin forming on her face. "[name] feels jealous!"

your mouth hangs slightly agape, whereas dan heng's murderous intent dissipates into utter nothingness. the parlor car falls silent, and if march really listens in, she can hear crickets despite there being no insects in outer space.

"now, why would [name] feel jealous, stelle?!" march lets go of your hands in exchange for stelle's, reveling in the joy of being understood by a fellow partner.

"because..." stelle trails off dramatically, tugging her detective cap down to mask her eyes. "[name] likes—"

dan heng slams the blunt end of his spear against the floor (where did he even get that from? march wonders), the powerful thump! reverberating throughout the hall. instinctively, he glances over at you.

but you return his gaze (and dan heng ignores the way his heart stutters) and you smile at him (and dan heng ignores the way his heart leaps), before stating, "well, this wasn't really how i envisioned it to go."

you spare stelle a glance, and she instantly grabs march's wrist before rushing off. although it seems like they're leaving you and dan heng alone, it's more likely that they're just hiding behind a corner to eavesdrop.

but you don't care. after all, the cat's out of the bag anyway. might as well just confess, right?

you open your mouth to speak, but dan heng beats you to it.

"i have feelings for you," he states. when he stares at you—and when you return his gaze—dan heng's heart trembles. he's not used to being perceived by you, he's not used to having his stares reciprocated, much less his feelings.

"i do, too," you reply, nervous. dan heng can tell you're nervous; it's in the way your fingers come to fiddle with each other, the way your voice is a little shaky, your lips pursed.

you smile, and so does dan heng.

he reaches for the sun.

click!