Curate, connect, and discover
Fandom: BSD -Bungo Stray Dogs
Ship: Dazai x Reader
Prompt: “'Sorry for showing up like this.’ You sighed, your shoulders relaxing in silent defeat. ‘Come in.’”
!Gender of reader is not specified!
A/N: I don't believe there are any major triggers in this part, correct me if I'm wrong though. Also, I feel like Dazai was very ooc which is partially why this took so long, of course, the main problem was writer's block
Word count is about 2.7k
Part 1 of And if you can forgive, love will truly live
Tag: @foulwaterss
Warmth.
You pulled the person in your arms further into your chest.
...
Person?
You opened your eyes, blinking rapidly as the morning sun pierced your eyes through the open curtain.
As your vision adjusted you could make out a head of soft, fluffy brown curls tucked against your chest.
The memories of the previous day, or rather night, seeing as you slept through most of the day, came flooding through your brain.
Right.
Dazai knocked on your door last night.
Soaked to the bone from having likely walked to your place with no umbrella despite the fact it had been raining the entire day.
And then... you let him in.
A dangerous decision both for him with his new job and for you with the Mafia.
But he listened to you, took a shower, ate most of his food, and he even let himself be vulnerable with you, choosing to forgo his bandages because he trusts you.
You looked down at him as you brought your hand up to card your fingers through his hair, a smile pulling at your lips as he nuzzled into your chest.
He reminded you of a cat.
Cute.
More like a black cat with all the bad things people thought of him.
Either way, he was cute.
Your smile turned bitter as the thought crossed your mind.
Even after four years, you still had feelings for him.
You sighed softly, letting your face relax, enjoying the soft moment before Dazai awakes and you have to talk about everything.
You had almost soothed yourself back to sleep with the methodic movement of your fingers through Dazai's hair when Dazai finally began to stir awake.
You watched as Dazai's eyes fluttered open slightly before he whined as the light hit his eyes, shoving his face half into your chest and half into the sheets.
"Evil... leaving the curtains open just to blind me..." His voice was pitched with a whine yet rough from having just woken up.
You chuckled softly.
"Eh, the sun blinded me too when I woke up." You spoke up, your voice soft in the morning. "I would've gotten up but someone was busy nuzzling into me." You teased softly as you began running your finger through his hair once more.
"What time is it?" He spoke softly into your chest.
"I don't know..." You yawned softly. "I was about to fall asleep again before you woke up."
Even without seeing his face, you could tell a smirk pulled at his lips. Seems like you still knew him pretty well.
"Were you watching me sleep? How perverted~." He teased softly.
"Oh shut it. I wasn't thinking anything like that. Of course, you know that though."
Dazai hummed softly pretending to be unaware.
"Oh~? Then what were you thinking, hm?"
You stopped carding your fingers through his hair to reach down and lift his chin up, forcing him to look at you in the eyes.
"Thinking about how much like a cat you were and how that made you cute." You spoke honestly and directly, not breaking eye contact.
You watched in amusement as his still-not-fully-awake brain processed your words. A soft blush bloomed on his cheeks that steadily grew darker in color before he shoved his face back into your chest, whining softly.
"Evil. Your evil."
You laughed softly as you let him hide his face.
"Like I said, cute."
"Shut up."
The conversation lulled after that, as the both of you took in the comfort of waking up in another person's arms, warm.
"Do you want some coffee?"
He hummed softly as he processed the unspoken words.
'We need to talk about it.'
"Sure" He spoke yet didn't move from the warmth of your body.
You sighed as you ran your hand down his back before forcing yourself out of the warmth of your bed.
"I'll call to you when the pot is done." You remarked as you walked out of your room toward the kitchen.
You hummed softly as you waited for the pot to brew, your mind drifting.
You knew roughly the reason behind Dazai's leaving but you still wanted to hear him explain his thought process.
And, more than anything, you wanted to hear a damn apology. Not just for leaving you, but for leaving Chuuya, and for blowing up his car, because that was a low blow. Yet you also still understood his reason behind that action as well. A silent message to not follow, to not look for him.
It would be nice if you could get Dazai to apologize directly to Chuuya, but you knew that it would be like trying to pull teeth.
You were jolted from your thoughts as the coffee pot beeped at you.
You methodically pulled out a mug and began filling it, leaving enough space for creamer.
You blinked.
Right.
You reached for another cup, placing it on the island counter as you called out for Dazai through the silence.
You began to fill his cup when you heard a thump from your room followed by what sounded like cloth against the floor.
You looked up as you were about to start pouring creamer into Dazai's mug, you paused at the sight of Dazai being practically swallowed by the fitted blankets he had pulled from your bed.
You chuckled softly.
"It's cold. Stop laughing." He pouted, his lips pulled down in a way that only made you chuckle more.
Cute.
"How are you planning to drink your coffee with all the blankets on?"
He didn’t respond as he walked, or rather waddled, over to a stool at the island counter. You finished pouring the creamer into his coffee as he maneuvered himself onto the stool with the blankets still practically swallowing him. You push the mug towards him as you take your own mug in hand.
You watch as he brings up his hands, wrapped up under the edges of the blankets, to wrap around the mug. The blankets keep him from moving his arms much, so he has to hunch forward to take a sip of his coffee.
“You know it’d be easier if you just took the blankets off?”
“It’s cold.” A pout pulled at his lips again and a petulant whine left him.
“I have jackets that should fit you.”
“The blankets were right there though.”
“More like you're just lazy…” You mumbled under your breath, sipping at your coffee.
You cleared your throat.
“So…”
He didn’t speak up, but he glanced up at you from where he was hunched over his mug.
“I… already know mostly everything with Oda…, but could you tell me what solidified your decision?” You asked, tone hesitant and unsure.
You watched as he stared into his mug, worried he would try and avoid talking. He never did like talking about his problems. Not that you could talk, you were the same, preferring to simply enjoy each other’s company without ever talking about your problems. Of course, that was before he left, now you spent your time having a glass of fine wine with Chuuya. On those nights, typically, only Chuuya would talk, with you speaking up mostly to keep the conversation going.
“There were… many reasons… behind my decision.” He paused; the silence awkward but he clearly was going to say more. “Odasaku’s… um…” He didn’t look up at you, but you could hear as he tried to hide the cracking of his voice.
“Take your time, there’s no rush.” You hummed softly as he struggled to find his words.
“Right.”
You sipped from your mug as you waited for him to continue.
“Odasaku’s last words to me… he asked me to…”
“I understand.” You didn’t want to force him to answer when you could put the pieces together yourself. “And the… other reasons?”
He idly sipped at his coffee.
“Well… before I continue, can I ask a question?”
You looked up from your mug.
“Um… sure, what is it?”
He let out a sigh, it sounded tired. It seemed like he was forcing himself to ask you his question.
Almost like he was scared of what your answer would be.
He huffed out. “What is your opinion of me?”
He didn’t look at you, gaze fixated on his own reflection from where he stared down at his coffee.
You hesitated, not having expected his question.
“My opinion of you?”
You asked more to fill the silence, to allow yourself time to think about it.
You knew that he could be cruel.
You knew that he could be kind.
You knew you felt an amalgamation of feelings towards him.
You felt sadness, that he didn’t tell you anything.
You also felt angry that he left, that he didn’t tell you cause you would’ve-
You would’ve…
You would’ve joined him.
You would’ve left with him.
Because you loved him.
More than anything, you loved him.
Despite everything, you still loved him.
You let out a soft breath.
Looking down at the half-empty mug in your hands.
“Well… I know that you can be cruel, but I also know that you're capable of being kind, of caring for others. And I feel sad and betrayed that you didn’t tell me or leave anything for me to know what you were doing. Angry that you left me because…” You could feel a lump in your throat as you tried to force the words out. “Because despite that… if you had come to me that night… I would’ve joined you.”
You looked up to find him staring at you with a shocked expression, and somewhere in the back of your mind, you found it cute.
“After everything we’ve been through… I’ve seen your highs and lows, I’ve seen you mercilessly kill and torture, but I’ve also seen you with Oda and Ango, with Chuuya. And I… have never hated you. I’ve never thought you to be inhuman.”
You paused. A gentle smile pulled at your lips.
“I still don’t, Dazai.”
“I-…” He looked almost on the verge of tears, and you felt compelled to rush to his side on the other side of the kitchen island and comfort him.
“Well… the main reason I didn’t tell you, or Chuuya was because I was absorbed by my own view of myself… that I didn’t think anyone could possibly see me differently. Especially you… we were similar and so I figured your opinion of me was no different than mine. I believed that with how similar we thought that you must have hated me because-… because I hated myself.”
He looked down at his mug, unable to meet your gaze.
Your heart ached at his words.
“Dazai…” You spoke hesitantly. “Dazai… what is your opinion of me?”
He looked up at you. “My opinion of you?” He repeated your words back at you.
His gaze shifted to the side as a soft pink tinted his cheeks.
“I always thought of you as something of an angel. You were smart but quiet, stern as a mafioso should be, but you were also kind. You formed a connection with me similar to the one I have with Chuuya but different. You understand me in a different way. Like a guardian angel, you’ve stopped me from many of my suicide attempts, maybe even more than Chuuya has. When I watched you fight it was like I was watching an angel of death, bloody, but still pure in a way only you could ever achieve.”
He stopped himself, looking up at you.
You could feel your cheeks burning as he spoke, looking into your eyes.
“I have always loved you. As undeserving as I am, I have always loved my guardian angel.”
“I- you… love me?” You found yourself short of words as your brain tried to process that Dazai, who you have loved for longer than you would like to admit, loves you as well.
As your brain finally caught up, the vibrant blush on your cheeks softened, and the smile that pulled at your lips was just as soft.
Placing your mug down, you reached your hands across the island counter to grab his hands, pulling them from where the blankets were still wrapped around them.
“I love you too, Dazai.”
You watched as the blush on his cheeks grew a few shades darker.
Cute.
You dropped his hands as you walked around the island to stand next to him. He turns towards you, cheeks still vibrantly flushed.
You reach out, your hand hovering over his lower cheek, prompting him to tilt his head up at you.
“May I?”
You could see as he swallowed, calming himself.
“Only if we remain exclusive.”
“And this remains secret.” You added, smiling at him.
You let your hand rest on his cheek, bringing the other one up to rest on the back of his neck, still bare of bandages. You leaned down the rest of the way, connecting your lips with his.
His lips were soft against yours, and the kiss was sweet.
A soft sound akin to a whine left him as you pulled away slowly. You chuckled as he flushed, embarrassed by his own neediness. He pulled you into a hug, wrapping his arms around your waist as the blankets fell off his shoulders hanging off his waist.
“Shut up.” His voice was slightly muffled from where he pressed his face against your chest.
You laughed. “But I didn’t say anything~.”
“I said shut up.”
“You're even cuter when you're flustered, you know?”
He whined into your chest, refusing to let you see his face.
You stopped teasing him, letting the soft moment consume you in warmth.
“I’m glad you're safe. He’d be proud of how far you’ve come.”
The arms around you tightened and you could barely make out a sharp intake of air. You brought a hand up to his hair, running your fingers through it comfortingly.
“I know he would.”
“I-… thank you.”
A comfortable silence settled on the two of you for a few minutes as you held each other until Dazai spoke up, mumbling softly.
“I’m sorry for hurting you and Chuuya…”
“I forgave you a while ago, and while Chuuya would never say it out loud, he has as well, even if he’s still angry about it.”
“I missed sitting on the dock with you.”
“Those moments of serenity in between the chaos were nice.”
“You have the day off, right?”
“I don’t have work until tomorrow morning. Though, speaking of work, shouldn’t you be at work right now?”
“Unimportant. Anyways we should cuddle and watch something.”
You laughed joyously, your arms tightening around him. “Even after four years, you're still you, huh? I’m glad you’re more open though. Honest. I like being vulnerable with you.” You smiled down at him, moving the hair from in front of his face to behind his ear. “The light suits you, Dazai.”
Dazai hid his face against your chest again, though you could tell he was flushed with how red his ears were.
“I thought I told you to shut up. I demand you carry me to the couch now.”
You scoff playfully. “What are you, a princess?”
“Yes, and you must serve me.” He replied matter-of-factly.
“Right.” You reached down with one hand to grab the blankets that had fallen around his waist, pulling them up around his shoulders and then wrapping them tightly around him. You pick him up effortlessly, chuckling as he lets out an involuntary squeak.
You carried him over to the couch, laying him across your lap as you reached to grab the remote off the coffee table.
“What shall we watch, Your Highness?”
You watch as he thinks over your question before you notice a drop in his mood.
“Is something wrong?”
“I don’t like how good you’ve gotten at reading me.”
You chuckle as he pouts. “I’ve always been good at reading you, I’m just choosing to mention what I see now. So, what’s up?”
“Do you still have that watchlist we made when we were 17?”
You smiled at his question.
“Yeah, I never deleted it. And I don’t think I’ve watched anything from it.” You hummed thoughtfully. “Not that I’ve really had the time to anyway.”
“Good. Pick something off of that then.”
“No specific genre?”
“Not really.”
With a soft smile, you click into the playlist of unwatched shows and movies. You pick a random one and start it, more focused on the unguarded and genuine smile on Dazai’s face.
It was nice.
He was alive and doing better than before.
Everything would be fine.
And hopefully, you get him to actually apologize to Chuuya.