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I feel so empty. I don’t know if I can pretend to be positive or anything anymore. I’m so tired of this cycle and I can’t keep going. I don’t want to keep going.
Everything is failing. I’m pushing everyone away. Nobody fucking cares about me or loves me anymore. I don’t even know the last time I’ve actually felt loved by someone else, not even my own partner.
I don’t even deserve that love anyways, and I don’t say that in the self pity type of way, but I sincerely believe im just an awful person. I don’t deserve the support or the love that I have.
I feel like a shell of a person. I feel like Everytime it almost gets better it just crashes down and it fucking sucks. It sucks so bad. Nobody fucking understands and nobody cares about me enough to even willingly try to understand. I’m so hurt about everything.
I’ve been distancing myself away from everyone besides one friend of mine, and that’s only because he’s readily available and is okay with me staying the night all the time. And now I have a weird dependency problem, now I feel weird when im not at his house or not around him because I can’t be by myself anymore.
I was by myself yesterday and I cut myself. I cut so deep in my skin that I almost reached the third layer of it. I broke my glasses and now they don’t even fit me anymore, they’re crooked. I broke my guitar stand so now I have to lean my guitar against my wall. I threw so many things, I slammed so many things, I cried until my throat was raw from screaming about how much I want to die in my pillow.
I want to die. I haven’t felt so suicidal in so long. I’m so tired of living. One of these days I’ll make my final posts on here because I can’t keep doing this anymore. I don’t know if anyone is reading these or even following me, honestly, but I’m not doing it for them. I’m just venting because I have never felt so fucking alone in my life. I’m not going to be here much longer