Curate, connect, and discover
Fandom: BSD -Bungo Stray Dogs
Ship: Soukoku - Dazai x Chuuya
Prompt:“Why are you awake?” “I could ask you the same thing.”
TW: mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts/idealization, vague mentions of an eating disorder but not specified, self-deprecating thoughts
A/N: Also posted on my ao3, you can find the link on my master list
After being together for a few months and going on cheesy expensive dates, at the expense of Chuuya’s wallet, Dazai moved in with Chuuya. And slowly, with Chuuya’s help, Dazai was getting better. He still slacked off at the office, primarily just to annoy Kunikida, but he was getting more sleep and Chuuya did his best to get Dazai to eat at least three times a day even if it was small; something was better than nothing, as Chuuya had put it.
That doesn’t mean it always worked out, of course. There were still days when Dazai struggled to eat anything at all. And there were nights like tonight where, even within the comforting warmth of Chuuya’s arms, Dazai couldn’t seem to fall asleep.
His thoughts were a little too loud tonight, it seemed. Normally, there would have been signs the previous days; signs of Dazai slipping back towards the darkness. However, this time, it seemed to come onto him suddenly, and worst of all, after Chuuya had already slipped into unconsciousness. And though Chuuya hadn’t said anything of work being tiring, Dazai could tell it had been tough. Nothing Chuuya couldn’t handle... but it certainly left him more exhausted than usual.
Dazai would… feel bad, if he woke him up now. Chuuya did so much for him. He cooked for him, he made sure Dazai was showering, and even if Dazai couldn’t get himself to shower, Chuuya would take a bath with him to compromise. When Dazai felt disgusted by his own body, Chuuya was there to kiss every single inch of his body with affirmations pressed into his skin.
And Dazai did what? What did he ever do for Chuuya? Nothing. All he ever did was burden Chuuya with all his emotional crap.
So, no. No, he wasn’t going to wake up Chuuya for something he should be able to handle by himself. He had handled it for the four years he was gone, he could do it again. Although, handle was probably the wrong word. He handled it by ignoring it. He handled it with his… self destructive habits…
He wouldn’t. He couldn’t ruin all of Chuuya’s hard work. Chuuya had kept him from harming himself since they got together almost a year ago now.
Chuuya would surely be mad if he ruined it now.
Dazai slipped himself out of Chuuya’s grasp and out of the covers of their bed. With silent steps, he made his way over to the balcony, swiftly opening the sliding door before closing it behind himself.
He hissed as his bare feet hit the freezing ground of the balcony deck. It was the middle of the night, probably sometime around 2 or 3 in the morning by now, if Dazai had to guess. The autumn air was crisp and beginning to grow colder as the end of the year creeped up on them.
Dazai breathed out softly, watching it fog up in the temperature difference.
He leaned against the railing, watching the city lights of Yokohama at night below him. Every so often, a car would pass below and his eyes would subconsciously follow it into the distance.
This did nothing to stop his racing mind, but made him far colder than he was before. He was tempted to retreat back into the comfort of Chuuya’s arms, but something kept him from doing so.
He looked down.
It was far.
No human could possibly survive a fall that far.
Chuuya could.
Dazai couldn’t.
His fingers twitched where they were on the railing. His hand closed around the railing.
No.
His hand shook, clasped around the freezing metal.
His mind drowned out the sound of the city around him.
His thoughts were screaming in his mind.
It was loud, a cacophony of sounds. Thoughts.
“Why are you awake?”
Dazai’s eyes widen. His hand gripping even tighter around the metal. His body betrayed no other signs of his shock. He didn’t turn around.
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“The bed grew cold without a certain clingy mackerel occupying the other side.”
A soft sigh sounded behind him before warm hands found their way around his waist.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
“Yeah.”
“If you’re not up to talk right now, that’s fine, but lets go back inside.” Chuuya spoke, his words pressed into Dazai’s back as a kiss accompanied them. “You’re shivering.”
Was he? He hadn’t even noticed.
He unclasped his hand from the freezing metal.
Chuuya let his hands fall to his side and already Dazai missed their warmth.
Dazai silently followed Chuuya inside. He slipped back under the covers, letting Chuuya close the door before joining him.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
Dazai shifted closer to Chuuya, letting his head rest against Chuuya’s chest. He listened to Chuuya’s heartbeat for a moment as Chuuya’s arms wrapped around his waist.
Dazai’s voice was quiet as he spoke into Chuuya’s chest. “Tomorrow?”
He could feel the soft sigh that left Chuuya. “Tomorrow.”
A hand left Dazai’s waist from under the covers to run though his hair. Dazai let out a soft, content, sigh at the fingers in his hair.
“Try and get some sleep for me, ‘kay princess?”
Dazai felt his cheeks heat up at the pet name, burying his face further into Chuuya’s chest in response.
“I love you.”
“Love you too, princess.”
Dazai is a princess who loves to be spoiled rotten and no one can change my mind, and of course, who better than Chuuya to fulfill his need to be taken care of?
I'm going to ignore the fact that me writing Dazai being taken care of is just me coping 🙃