Curate, connect, and discover
OKAY, finally off work, here is that feedback I promised you.
This is gonna be a picky one because I genuinely love what I’m reading. So we’ll start with the praise! Pacing is flawless throughout, everything flows so naturally together. My favorite instance of this is when the narrator (whoever it may be) shifts from talking about the multiple therapist to the old woman…
“It's as if her thoughts were too "explicit" to render, one man said. But he was a man, not an elderly woman who says she promises to never tell anybody what she doesn't want them to know.”
Some of the imagery described is disturbingly beautiful. The picture of our girl in front of a mirror dropping pills into the sink and listening to the clinks is *chef’s kiss*. The scene that continues after this contains that same charm.
Feedback
As I said I’m gonna have to get a little nit-picky. The line “the thought of her medicine faded as quickly as she came as her eyes began to blur…” reads a little awkwardly. I’m not sure if you meant to just say “the thought of her medicine faded as quickly as her eyes blurred”. I’m not sure what “as she came” is referring to. “Is she dying?” is asked twice. At “her girlfriend speaks to her again, desperately murmuring her name like a praise to gain her attention”, I would find a word other than “murmuring” maybe mumbling. Lastly but certainly not least I would have liked to see more effort from the girlfriend to help our girl out other than “murmuring” her name. Unless this was intentional then ignore me on this.
TYSM FOR THE FEEDBACK!! sorry if I'm late to respond as I've been busy with chores today-
It was rather early when I wrote that, and I checked over it twice, but I definitely agree with your response! I'm glad you enjoyed the story, as there will be more to come (when I don't spend all night doing random shit). I ain't the best writer, and I always appreciate anything, even a correction or two. "Murmuring" was meant to be there because they were trying not to startle Naomi further, if they shout at her, it would've gone worse. But the "blur" part? I think you can tell I was trying to put a bunch of words together in the end to try and make it make sense.
Thank you so much for the feedback, I'll write more tomorrow!