I've Never Been A Natural; All I Do Is Try Try Try Jessichat - Blog Posts

i am so sorry you all have to deal with angsty posts here as i situate myself, but as an extremely sensitive people pleaser, i was mentally sort of always trying to do my best to reach out to others and even cater certain things for them, especially once my blog grew in size, which led to my more widespread interactions, influxes of messages, anons, etc - and so now, because of having to retreat from and even to a degree fear (or at best feel wary/uncomfortable) continuing some of those interactions, i feel a horrendous sense of…guilt? sorrow, yes, but i also feel awful. i cut off those anons who came to me with whatever, which isn’t their fault but was a protective choice to guard from potential outside harm, but i also left behind people i love and adore and considered precious in my life, not because that ended up not being true, but because the trust got shattered. and i know that some of them would be so hurt if they found out i moved spaces, and it weighs on me, because the last thing in the world i ever want is to do that, is to hurt friends that i love. it’s a horrible feeling. and my mom told me it’s not my fault and i have to have boundaries (i am very bad at boundaries) and trust my instincts and protect my peace however i can…but i still feel so bad and anxious at the potential of hurting someone, even though i myself was hurt. fun times in jessie’s brain 🙃

— mirrorball, taylor alison swift (2020)