Light In The Darkness - Blog Posts

Rest 🧘‍♂️

Witnessing my country slow (maybe fast) decaying of the so-called United States of America. What a dumpster fire.

Rocky Mountain National Park

Rocky Mountain National Park

Rocky Mountain National Park

On the road somewhere in the Colorado Rocky Mountains ⛰️

A winter sunset over Denver Colorado

They don't play

Colorado Mountains ⛰️

I didn’t feel very good in high school. Or life. Childhood. At all. There was a lot of negativity. I didn’t feel I belonged in my family and friends who I thought were ride or die had all just abandoned me as our class swished schools to fit in with the new popular kids and that meant, not to get seen talking to me. Any time someone in my class spoke to me were either to speak down to me or just hit my head into a wall. And well, I lived at a child care I guess is the closest translation so it's easy to feel abandoned by your relatives and you tell yourself your place there isn’t more than an income for your carers.

I felt useless. Absolutely 150% worthless. Waste of space and oxygen. If you think you can imagine that, you can’t. You have to experience it and not everyone makes it out of that journey alive. I kinda just dragged my lifeless body throughout childhood, telling myself “just one more day”, trying to find something to live for. Marvel-releases were kind of small milestones to strive for but lacked any real meaning, so now you know why I draw so much Marvel.

I didn’t talk much to my new class in high school as well, my friends I have known since kindergarten didn’t value me more than popularity, why would this new class?

So strangely enough, I find myself in a group chat with some other selected classmates one night and have to leave the conversation because of a sudden anxiety attack where, to my surprise, I get a notification.

One of the other classmates had noticed I stopped talking and reached out privately, asking how I was doing. And in my entire “emo-phase”, nobody had ever asked me that before. Not really, not in a meaningful serious way other than the usual polite “it’s been so long, how are you, enough about that…”

That was the first real step into this random girl who I expected would leave my life after graduation becoming one of the most important people in my life and holding my hand in this new journey into the light at the end of the tunnel.

Tiny moment after moment, inviting me for milkshakes, sleepovers, watching Good Omens, bonding over horror films, this girl made me feel like I was more than a waste of space, that maybe I… could matter?

And from feeling absolutely nothing, that I mattered nothing, less than so, to just… be invited to stuff. That was huge. It’s indescribably huge.

I am now 22 and can seriously say that I’m much older than I ever expected to be and I am grateful for that every good and bad day.

All because of that single message that one night. That first step on a ladder she probably didn’t know I needed to climb.

Thank you.

Reach out to someone, you never know who might be needing it.