Curate, connect, and discover
Everyone is asleep and I'm sitting here and can't sleep from my disturbing thoughts, so I'll write them here, maybe it's familiar to someone:
1. I just turned 18 years old and just finished school, and I'm already working. At the same time I work with thoughts that I need to earn money to provide for myself, to help my parents, to make repairs in the apartment, to pay for my studies, to pay for my wants in the form of a new phone and tablet. This is all under the fact that no one is chasing me, no one is rushing me, and I chose the way to like a damn for what? A good life? I seem to have it now not bad, but ambitions in the form of "you can live better" make me spit on my health and work, work, work and work again.
I can't sit down and watch a movie on my day off because the anxiety of "you're wasting your time", "you should try harder", "you should succeed and that's why you have to work" starts. Because of this, on my only day off, instead of sitting quietly and watching a movie I've wanted to watch for a long time, I listen to it in the background because I'm doing other things: cleaning the apartment, painting, cooking, etc.
2. For the first time, I made a choice independent of my parents' opinion and wishes. I decided to go to college to be a designer and yes, I know that in this field of fucking competition, and I am a person that if you do something better than me, then well done, you are good. No, I'm not gonna give up my favorite thing that's been with me since I was a kid. I love to draw and I will continue to do it, but the fucking anxiety will scream in my head that I'm "not good enough", that I "need to try harder".
I know it's just stupid reaching and chasing the perfect result, but I can't get rid of it. It's like if I stop working, working hard every day, I'll break down.
All that saves me from depression is constant labor. Without it, I will feel useless, a "shame" that I didn't achieve my goals and meet my expectations.
It's a fucking vicious circle when you realize you're tired, but you can't stop working, because if you stop, your life will stop on the cross you put on yourself.