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I don't care who "wears the pants" which one of you is the "Look, why don't we leave tomorrow? We could head to the coast. Get away for a while."

Jaskier: I'll get over it, I just have to be dramatic first.

Skyrim/Witcher Crossover - Cicero Fuckeries

alright so i’m gonna make this its own post since I have a lot in mind for this specific lil scenario, and i don’t want to make a too big a text wall ajs;dlfkjasldk

just hear me out on this one, this would be a lot more entertaining than you might think

Cicero, Geralt and Jaskier first meet out on the road, out in front of the Loreius farm

Geralt was fully intent on ignoring Cicero’s call for help, but Jaskier is the one to be like “hey, why don’t we give this guy a hand?”

honestly the two prolly bicker a bit on what they should do but then Jaskier hits him with That Look and Geralt finally relents

Geralt helps up to the farm while Jaskier sticks around with Cicero, making small talk 

aint long for Geralt to come back down the hill with Loreius in tow - really not hard for him to change Loreius’s mind on the whole ordeal

Jaskier finds the little man very odd, but still fun to talk to 

Cicero also thinks he’s fun, but at the same time, i would not be surprised in the slightest if he’s lowkey plotting a murder - getting mother home stays his blade, of course, but if he has the free time? hmm… tempting, tempting indeed… 

Once Loreius is down there helping Cicero, Geralt starts to leave, but Cicero calls out to him, asks him to wait, before tossing a coin purse his way as a thank you

he accepts it without a word, and off Geralt and Jaskier go

Jaskier has no idea what’s up with Cicero, but Geralt knows there’s something definitely not right 

he wasn’t lying about his mother being in that box, as far as he could tell - his sharp sense of smell confirmed it - but there was just something… wrong. something dark. something evil

they don’t see each other again for a while, not until the Cure for Madness happens and Cicero is all alone in Dawnstar (assuming he’s been spared)

Geralt and Jaskier happen to be there, too, looking for work 

they’re in the tavern, with Jaskier playing tunes for coin and Geralt sitting alone at a table, watching him and takin swigs of his ale, and Cicero sees em and he’s just like !!!!!!

just scampers his tiny ass over to Geralt and plops down next to him with a big smile on his face 

“Well, well, well! Long time, no see, dearest Witcher! I was wondering if we’d ever cross paths again.”

“Cicero.” 

they chat up a storm - or more Cicero’s talking to him while Geralt listens and prolly says like… five words in one sentence at most

definitely asks about his mother, who Cicero simply says is enjoying her new home 

which confirms something on Geralt’s mind, but he keeps it to himself

Jaskier had seen the jester walk over to Geralt while he was performing, and once he’s done he goes over to say hello

ain’t long before it’s the three of them sittin there, chattin it up. Err, well, Cicero and Jaskier chatting it up while Geralt offers his most enlightening hmm’s

something something Cicero ends up more or less inviting himself along on the adventure since he, at that time between the Cure for Madness and the end of the DB questline, has nowhere else to be 

something something also tagging along so he can go through with his little Jaskier murder plot 

something something he does attempt to kill him a couple times but some thing or another foils it without him actually getting caught by the bard in question, or more importantly, Geralt 

mind you, Jaskier actually likes Cicero - as eccentric as the man is, he relates 

but then he hits him with the bard joke 

and poor Jaskier 

a lad is CONCERNED

HE’S TALKIN ABOUT SMASHIN LUTES AND BURNIN BARDS

starts sticking around Geralt a bit closer than usual

Cicero learns very, very quickly that you do not make murder jokes around Geralt 

he does not appreciate them 

he especially does not appreciate murder jokes about Jaskier 

Regardless of this, Cicero tries very hard to get Geralt to laugh when the three of them are out on the road 

he’s never seen him do anything more than smirk and “hmmph” in a way that he’s pretty sure was a laugh but isn’t positive on

he’s done countless jokes, no matter how well structured or not, desperate to get a chuckle, a smile, anything 

Usually doesn’t work, but Jaskier gets a kick out of most of em 

there’s some point in time where Cicero gives up on trying to kill Jaskier, for a couple of different reasons. 

One, Geralt Will Find Him. Cicero may have outrun Arnbjorn but he will not stand a chance against a Witcher. He knows this. 

Two, he’s found enough bloodshed travelling with these two to keep him contented 

Three - honestly? Jaskier is friend-shaped. He can never know about who or what Cicero actually is since saying anything about him would technically break one of the Tenets, but he’s helped Cicero out in ways he may never know

at some point, the trio are at a jarl’s palace, attending some celebration (prolly the “slaying” or Alduin or something to do with the Civil War, regardless if we’re taking Dragonborn!Geralt into account)

Jaskier gets harassed by someone, who claims he slept with their spouse the last time they were there 

Geralt steps in, tells em to fuck off, right

But Cicero’s watching from afar as the person leaves, and he walks over after they go with a grin on his face 

“Tsk tsk tsk tsk! Naughty, naughty, Jaskier! You ought to know better than to sleep with a noble’s lover! You’ve gotten yourself in a situation now, haven’t you?” 

Jaskier apologizes (kinda sarcastically, kinda awkwardly, not really sure where Cicero’s going with this)

and then the little fucker just hits him with

“Well… Geralt may scare them off for now, but… oh, what are you going to do if you’re alone, hmm?” 

his grin widens and he leans closer 

“Cicero could make sure they don’t come back. If you would like.” 

and Jaskier is just like “wat” for a solid couple of seconds before he realizes he’s talking MURDER

Jaskier appreciates and utilizes Cicero’s murderiness and you caN’T TELL ME OTHERWISE

HE IS A FERAL FUCKING BABY NOT AFRAID TO SEND THE LITTLE GREMLIN JESTER MAN OUT TO STAB A BITCH FOR HIM

AND CICERO THRIVES OFF JASKIER’S FERAL BABINESS BECAUSE IT’S A SIDE OF HIM HE NEVER SAW UNTIL NOW

and poor Geralt 

Geralt is very tired 

not only does he have to make sure Jaskier doesn’t get killed, he has to make sure Cicero doesn’t go out killing people himself 

the trio is often mockingly called the travelling circus by those living in the towns and cities they pass through 

Geralt knows Cicero’s Dark Brotherhood and caught on pretty early, but he actually doesn’t do anything, per se 

he keeps him in line as best he can when they’re travelling together - more or less makes sure he’s not killing people he shouldn’t be 

but he knows Cicero’s off to his own devices when he leaves to go do whatever it is he does before travelling again 

And, while he would NEVER openly admit it, he is aware the Dark Brotherhood is something of a necessary evil in Tamriel. From what he understands, they kill people, yes, but the ones they’re called upon to kill aren’t innocent people by any sense of the word. They’re slavers, they’re abusers, they’re corrupt politicians - the scum of the earth. Geralt (likely with a little bit of convincing from Jaskier if/when he finds out about Cicero’s true identity), tries his best to keep Cicero in line outside of the contracts he was once called upon to fulfill

I’m gonna leave it here for now and do separate interaction headcanon posts between Cicero and Geralt and Jaskier individually because this is a fucking huge text block but really tho 

i just fucking love the idea of the gremlin jester travelling with the gremlin bard and gremlin monster hunter. there is a chaos there that i’m thriving on

I saw that option for Foltest on Reddit Your drawing makes me think of that https://www.reddit.com/r/witcher/comments/8i5q5x/jude_law_would_make_a_great_king_foltest_for_the/

To be honest, this was how I imagined Foltest when I read the book.👇

And his meeting with Geralt was like

Of course I love his look in the game too. Foltest is forever my no.1 trophy husband~ Roche! kiss him for me!

No? Ok your loss.

Ancient Princess | The Witcher

Chapter 2. Nim

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An Elven Princess awakens and Jaskier handles it surprisingly well.

Her eyes were golden, not the bright and strong eyes of Witchers, they were soft and seemed more natural. For a moment, all Jaskier could do was stare into her eyes, still shocked by what had just happened moments prior. It wasn't until she began to speak that he was able to snap out of his shock.

'Shi Va? Sharti nha salen o'su?"

She was speaking in an ancient form of elder speech that Jaskier only had limited understanding of, leaving him unsure on how to respond. Seemingly noticing his confusion the young elf tilted her head slightly, before holding her hand out in front of her while muttering.

"Yewl tel'quiet van shou."

Somehow Jaskier was able to understand her request and placed his hand on hers, allowing her to gently clutch it. She then began to utter more of the ancient language, it appeared to be some type of spell as He felt the familiar warm ripple of magic flow from his palm through his whole body. He noticed a brief glow within her golden eyes as she finished the spell and released his hand.

"Apologies, I hope you can understand me now?" She suddenly spoke in perfect common speech.

"What just happened? He asked in amazement, "How did you do that?"

She smiled softly before replying, "It's a simple spell really. It allows me to learn whatever language the person I'm touching uses most."

"Never heard of that spell before."

"Really?" She tilted her head again in confusion, "Even the most beginner mages in the kingdom can do that spell."

It was in that moment, as she stared at him in curiosity, she noticed he was different than the average elf. Most notably she noticed his ears which seemed to curve at the top rather than pointing upwards like hers did.

"Who are you? Your ears are very peculiar."

"You may call me Jaskier, Travelling Bard." He replied paired with his standard performer's bow. "I'm a human, so my ears aren't pointed like yours."

"What is human?"

"Well it’s another species, very different from elves."

"But we don't look that different?" She queried further.

"Well others would say otherwise." Jaskier muttered with a slightly bitter laugh.

After his little remark there was a small pause as she took in this new information, before she softly nodded her head in understanding.

"I see, well it’s nice to meet you Jaskier my name is Nim, daughter of King Faladinn of Muire Dol."

"So that's what this place is called?" He questioned as he took another glace around the hidden room.

"Yes," Nim confirmed as her eyes began to show a deeper understanding of the situation, she took a deep breath before asking, "I'm not sure how long I've been sleeping but it must have been quite a long time, correct?"

"I believe so Princess, at least over a thousand years I can say for certain."

With a small sad smile she replied, "I don't think I'm really a princess anymore."

"Well you have a crown and a palace, which to my knowledge are the main requirements for being a princess." Jaskier winked and grinned brightly at Nim, who began to laugh in response.

Sitting up, Nim adjusted herself to the edge of the platform previously covered by the glass casing. Slowly she stepped down and attempted to stand, only to stumble forward. Before she was close to hitting the floor, Jaskier quickly reached forward and caught her by her arms.

"Are you okay?" He asked, pulling her up while giving her a once over and making sure to hold her firmly.

"Yeah, just been a while since I've stood I suppose."

"Just take your time, I hold onto you as long as you need me to."

While gently holding onto Jaskier, Nim slowly made her way out of the mausoleum. As they made their way through the servant's quarters and into the main halls of the palace, Nim stared in awe. She had never seen the palace halls so empty before; so quiet.

Everything was so raw for her, even though she had slept for over a thousand years it only felt like an overnight sleep. She remembers everything, remembers the panic throughout the castle as she was pulled from the throne room and down into the cold, dark mausoleum. She remembers being told to lie down and the next moment she opened her eyes to a face with a pair of soft periwinkle eyes.

"I think if we're going to travel together we'll need to find you a change of clothes," Jaskier spoke, interrupting her thoughts. "That is of course if you'd like to join me, I didn't mean to presume.

For a moment in panic, he slightly loosened his grip on Nim. He shouldn't have presumed like that, She was a princess why would she want to travel with him? Thoughts of self-doubt and rejection filled his mind. Yet, in response she gripped his arm tighter and pulled him closer.

"Of course I want to travel with you." She smiled at him reassuringly, "I still need to figure out why I was asleep for so long and what happened to everyone, I don't think I'll find answers here."

At Nim's words Jaskier began to relax, "Right, well princess shall we find a change of clothes for you my dear?"

"There should be something in my room, I can lead the way."

Walking through the palace halls and up a few flights of stairs, they soon came across a single white arched door at the end of an empty corridor. As they approached Jaskier noticed an intricate circular, stain glass window that appeared to look out onto a small courtyard.

"This is my room, I specifically requested the flowers to be painted on." Nim said as she pointed at the blue and yellow flowers scattered across the white surface connected by several green vines. "They're supposed to be bluebells and buttercups."

"Really? Buttercups are my favourite flower, of all time."

"Bluebells are mine." Nim mused as she reached forward and turned the golden handle before pushing the door open to reveal her room behind it.

The room is exactly how you'd picture a elven princess' room to look like. Across the wall and ceiling were gorgeous murals depicting several constellations and the night sky. Her bed laid at the centre of the back wall, it was made out of pure white wood which had been delicately carved with various flowers as well as depictions of the sun, moon, and several constellations. Laid across her bed were soft midnight blue sheets to match the equally blue pillows placed along the headboard.

Jaskier let out a low whistle at the sight, "Oh what I would I pay to sleep in a place like this. No seriously I give up music- actually no I wouldn't but still you get my point."

"Let me pack a bag and we can get some rest before we leave" Nim suggested, "To be honest I'm suddenly feeling quite tired myself and it's nightfall now." She then walked towards a large wardrobe by the eastern wall, it was made from the same white wood and had similar etchings. When Nim opened it wide, Jaskier saw a gorgeous collection of colourful and fine fabrics.

Nim began to pulling various fabrics from the wardrobe and laid them gently on the bed. Finally, she turned back to the wardrobe and reached deep into the back before pulling a simple grey travel bag. She moved back to the bed and began stuffing the different fabrics and clothing into it. Jaskier was pleased to noticed she had also packed a scarf and fur outer coat for the colder weather they may face.

"That should be everything, we should probably go rest for the night." Nim stated, before moving back to the wardrobe and pulling out what Jaskier presumed were some night clothing. "This was my brother's, I think it will fit you."

Jaskier took it gratefully, "Just tell me where I can go princess, perhaps you could show me the room."

Nim then looked down and fiddled with her hands before speaking softly, "Is it okay if you stay with me? I don't mind sharing the bed, It's big enough."

"Are you sure?"

"I don't want to be alone again." She stated plainly.

"Okay, then let me get changed and we can both get some rest." Jaskier then moves behind one of the elegant changing screens and changed into the silk, green sleeping wear. It was the most comfortable thing Jaskier had worn in years.

When he came back from behind the screen, he noticed that Nim had also changed behind the second screen and was already lying on the left side of the bed. Jaskier followed suit and tuck himself into the right side of the bed, it was then Jaskier noticed that Nim was right. There was plenty of space, in fact Jaskier was sure that even if he stretched his arm out, he still wouldn't come close to Nim. Nim blew out the light that was surprisingly still lit on her bedside table, leaving them in darkness.

"Goodnight Jaskier, thank you for waking me up." Nim muttered into the darkness.

"Goodnight Nim," Jaskier replied in kind, "I should say thank you for letting me sleep in this bed, feels like it’s made of cloud."

They both laughed softly at his little quip, before they both drifted of to sleep, anticipating what's to come on their journey ahead.

Prev Chapter // Next Chapter (WIP)

Ancient Princess | The Witcher

Chapter 1. The Awakening

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Sulking along the path, Jaskier stumbles something he thought he'd never find.

Jaskier had been travelling alone for the past few months, he was unaware how far Oxenfurt actually was from Caingorn yet he was all to happy to leave it behind.

'If life could give me one blessing'

The memory still stung Jaskier, and he tried to cope the only way a bard knows how. At first his writing was sad, full of self pity and loneliness, until one day it shifted. Soon Jaksier's writing turned angry as it he realised; nothing was his fault. Geralt was the one who made the fucking wish to the Djinn, he was the one who thought the law of surprise was a good fucking idea. Who was he to blame Jaskier for his own stupid ideas.

He tried to put Geralt behind him but like an itch, the more he tried to ignore, the stronger the thoughts and memories returned. Somehow that emotionally constipated 'White Wolf' has burrowed his way deep into Jaskier's heart, not that he'd ever know.

So, as he spent his days repeating this vicious cycle of anger and misery he blindly followed the path, having lost his map days before. He didn't recognise where he was and the never ending forest didn't help his already poor sense of direction. He knew he was near the coast, the smell of sea salt lingered in the air around him. If he was by the coast, Jaskier thought, Then surely he was near at least a small fishing village. Maybe the locals will be welcoming enough. He walked for the next few hours hoping for any sign of civilisation and yet; the forest never ended. By the third hour Jaskier was half convinced he was walking in circles and ready to simply accept his fate of dying in the woods either from starvation or of whatever creatures lurked just as hungry as he was. However, Just as he was ready to give up his eyes caught something in the near distance.

A grand white marble arch, it stood tall over the path Jaskier was following, as he approached he noticed how it was covered from the top to the bottom in vines and leaves with bright coloured flowers growing in between. The path continued beyond this arch, leading towards a larger arch this time connected between two equally towering walls slightly hidden behind the bushes and trees of the forest. As Jaskier walked closer towards the second arch he was able to see what was beyond it; a city.

The city was larger, perhaps even larger than some of the continents major cities like Cintra. Furthermore, despite being at least a few centuries old this abandoned city showed no sign of damage to any of its marble buildings or sculptures. In fact the only indication of a long passage of time was the vast amount of vines and shrubbery that grown to cover majority of this city. Flowers had begun to grow between the cracks of the paths, creating a ethereal atmosphere to the entire city. Jaskier wandered around the city in awe, based on his previous studies he could deduce that this place was likely an ancient elven kingdom, but this confused him. Surely if this was in fact an elven kingdom especially of this size, the humans would have long since taken claim during their conquest of the continent. He was even further confused by the signs he saw, although he knew elder speech there were words inscribed that seemed completely alien to him. Perhaps this city predated even the elves.

As the sun began to set Jaskier had eventually made his way to the centre of the city, in which at the top of a tall staircase a grand castle stood tall above the entirety of the city. It was the most beautiful castle he had ever laid his eyes on. Similar the other structures of the city, the castle was made of pure white marble yet it had also been decorated with gold decals and several striking stain glass windows that displayed stunning landscapes and creatures unknown to Jaskier. Once he stepped inside he no less in awe, the marble floor was covered in beautiful dark blue rug that throughout every hallway of the castle. Artwork and Statues lined these hallways both also ingrained with small golden decals, Jaskier noticed several portraits which he presumed displayed the royal family and other aristocrats of the kingdom. Their ears in every painting were clearly elven, confirming Jaskier's theory of the cities origin.

The most breath-taking rooms, however were definitely the Entrance hall and Throne room.

The entrance hall had tall ceilings embellished with a stain glass dome as the roof supported by several engraved marble arches. There were two elegant marble staircases engraved with different depictions of animals and flowers. Like outside the vines had grown inside the castle as well and was wrapped around the bannister and draped down from the balconies on the higher floor.

Climbing the stairs towards the throne room, Jaskier continued to gaze in awe at paintings and tapestries that hung along the wall depicting ancient battles and scenes that were likely lost to history. He wondered if the library and the books within also remained intact, what lost knowledge was likely contained within those pages. Perhaps he could retell the stories one day through song.

The throne room was located in the centre of the castle and was a large expansive hall that echoed even the smallest of sound. Golden suits of armour lined the walls between the engraved marble columns that stretched from floor to ceiling. Banners that matched the dark blue rugs hung from arches and displayed a golden crest that appeared to be a stag with flowers hanging from its antlers. In the centre of the back wall, the throne was placed on a small platform that allowed whomever sat there to tower over those below them. It was made of pure gold and was cushioned with blue fabric. The golden frame had carvings of flowers and vines and several depictions of various woodland animals. Above the seat, on the throne's headboard was a detailed engraving of a stag's head with a stone in the centre of it forehead that reflected light and appeared to change colours.

There was a moment where Jaskier had a small temptation to take a seat on the throne, however he quickly removed the thought from his mind. If it was an elven city its final day could not have been a pretty sight and the people didn't need another human forced themselves on their throne.

Instead Jaskier made his way down from the throne room towards the servants quarters, he figured there would be a suitable bed he could spend at least spend the night on.

The servants quarters were also in impossibly well preserved condition, no rats scurried along the floor and there was of the cold chill that most servant quarters had. The kitchen was as beautiful as the rest of the castle, the counters made from the same white marble with flecks of gold mixed throughout the hard surface. Dried herbs and flowers hung across the ceilings ready to added whatever would be cooked. With increased curiosity, Jaskier opened a cupboard door to find a whole storage room filled with breads and vegetables in perfect condition. The preservation was still remarkable to Jaskier even after searching the entirety of this kingdom.

Soon Jaskier made his way out of the kitchen to find a long corridor aligned with several different doors that each led to a different room. Yet instead he chose to make his way further down the corridor where he spotted an ornate silver door, standing out amount the other plain wooden doors. It took around five minutes for Jaskier to reach the mysterious door at the end of the corridor, at which point he was able to fully appreciate its details. Engravings of flowers surrounding a single stag echoed that of the throne's own engraving. Gently, he pushed on the door and discovered it to be unlocked as it slowly creaked open. He made his way through the now open door to discover that behind it was some kind of mausoleum.

Unlike the rest of the elven kingdom this hidden mausoleum showed signs of erosion and aging. The once porcelain white marble had become a dull grey, and along the eastern wall the detailed etchings had become blurred and whatever image was once there could no longer be clearly seen.

In the centre of the room was a glass case, it was incredibly ornate with gold lining the edges of the box. The glass was almost crystal clear which allowed Jaskier to see exactly what was inside the case, shocking him greatly. Lying softly on a plush green cushion was a young elven girl. She was dressed in a simple white gown that draped against her figure, her brow hair had been carefully brushed free of any knots and imperfections and was braided in parts to delicately frame her soft features, and finally placed atop her head was small and delicate golden crown. Additionally across her most of her body except her face, were several white tattoos which appeared to join together as whole. Jaskier had never seen designs like this before and presumed it must have cultural significance for the ancient elves.

Despite this, what shocked Jaskier most all was, as he approached the case he noticed that her chest was rising and falling. Meaning she was still breathing; she was alive.

Jaskier continued to slowly approaches the glass case containing the mysterious young elf. As he reached closer and closer he felt compelled to reach his hand forward and touch the glass casing. When he placed his hand on the case he noticed his hand began feeling a rapid warmth that spread from his palm to throughout his body. When he look down he noticed that his hands had begun to glow, he tried to pull his hand away but found he couldn't.

Suddenly the glass case shattered around him, and after a moment the young elf's eyes opened.

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