Curate, connect, and discover
Keeping in mind that this is my own experience & I'm not trying to say anything about others -
What's frustrating to me about nonbinary identity is that people kind of know what it is. Or they think they do.
See, one of the things I don't like about the gender binary, one of the things that gives me a lot of dysphoria, is the way people assume things about me based on my gender. Like "you are a girl and therefore" type thing. Like maybe I could be a girl if it didn't mean anything, you know? My dysphoria is very social and less physical than others'.
Anyway, the thing is that people are very excited about being good allies to nonbinary people, so they have built out social rules for someone who's "not a girl, not a boy, but a secret third thing (nonbinary)" in their minds/social awareness. The problem I have is, I'm not not a girl. I'm also maybe not not a boy? But I'm definitely not all the way a girl or boy the way other girls and boys are. I'm maybe a secret third thing, but it's a third thing that's not independent and outside those genders.
And the problem is when you say you're nonbinary people think, I must never use gendered language for this person. I must try to think of this person as an ungendered entity. I must never make this person uncomfortable by mentioning gendered experiences in front of them. They probably like frogs. Etc. (I do have a healthy appreciation for frogs)
At the end of the day, if I don't know what my identity is, nobody else is going to either, and I hate the awkward trying to anticipate my needs based on the relayed experiences of other nonbinary people who have had themselves more figured out. Like... Just ask?
I'm not nonbinary as in "not gendered, at all", I'm nonbinary as in messy. Not fitting. Wanted to be a boy when I was a kid, no longer sure what I want to be; pretty sure I don't want to be a Man. Functionally a woman in society. A proud honorary guuuurl. Man of the family (until I married a man). My dad's son but a girl. Prone to calling myself a little guy and using gender neutral language for myself, but almost squirming when someone else does for me. Squirming even harder when someone includes me in a group they address as "ladies." Dressing like a boy hoping someone will call me pretty in my masc outfit. Turning into the boy i saw inside my heart when I was a kid, except I'm an adult woman. Feeling outward pressure to go gender-neutral in my presentation but also feeling the inner urge to become gender maximalist. Messy, messy bisexual asexual androgynous feminist nonbinary genderqueer boygirl girl.
But I look like a woman with a short haircut and subtle rainbow sandals. So I just stammer out "uhh, any" when someone asks about my pronouns, stick with the comfortably nebulous term "genderqueer", and don't get into my gender identity at family dinner.
After all, if I don't get it, how could anyone else?